Wake Up and Open Your Eyes

by Clay McLeod Chapman

I want to be someone who matters Who tweets stuff like that? People who want attention, obviously. People who are so desperate for approval, they’ll end up tweeting their actual feelings. Bad call. Nobody likes Sincere Tweets. Anytime somebody goes earnest, they’re torn to pieces. Kiss of death, dude.

“Who’d you vote for?” Mrs. Sharpshooter asks. “Excuse me?” “The last election. Which candidate?” You take a closer look and almost immediately you can sense it. The awkwardness in the way they hold their weapons. These people never picked up a gun before today. They probably don’t even have the safety on. They’re swinging them around, aiming at one another as they chat without realizing they could accidentally take each other’s heads off with an errant sneeze. It’s a miracle they didn’t shoot you. Democrats.

Used to be a Ouija board that brought these devils in…Now all we do is click. By accepting the terms of service, we submit ourselves to these demonic forces.

Where’s your vast recall of every last Neutral Milk Hotel banger when you need it?