My Vampire Plus-One

by Jenna Levine

modus operandi

Matt had been a CPA, like me. He had thick dark hair, wore these ridiculous librarian glasses that worked for him, and made love the same way he did everything: thoroughly, and with frequent references to the Internal Revenue Code.

ok i’m curious… how?

I was devastated when I found out he’d been cheating on me with another woman, who worked at his accounting firm—even if I knew I never wanted to listen to someone talk about step-up basis while I was on the cusp of orgasm ever again.

i’m sorry… this was his dirty talk??? his foreplay??

Chicago

6 weeks ago?

sorry if i know someone for six weeks im not taking them to any family wedding

hey, can honestly say no one has ever called me a lifesaver before.

fave

no way he says fave 😭

I’m sorry you hadn’t laughed in “ages” beforehand. (That, too, seems like no way to live.)

“The truth is, I quite like making you happy.”

“But for you, I would brave a blizzard just to see you smile.”

Discord

not reggie being a discord kitten

Though I’ll admit that if I don’t warm my meals to the temperature of the human body first, there’s always something frustratingly missing from the experience. Drinking it cold is like having sex while wearing three condoms. Or watching Hulu with commercials.”

GET THIS MAN ON A STAGE

I mean, how many different opportunities have you had to drink my blood without my consent since we’ve met?” I’d meant it as a rhetorical question, but he answered immediately. “Thirty-seven. No, wait—thirty-eight.” Wow. “Uh…okay, you having a ready answer to that cuts against the point I was trying to make.

“But at the time of the fire, I had a well-deserved reputation as a prankster and an ass. I can understand why some people at that party thought I’d set the place on fire.” “And why was that?” His arm tightened around me a little. He looked away. “I can’t say for certain, but it’s probably the signed note I left by the torches out front that said I hate you all and am going to burn this place to the ground.”

Why did someone who was so very obviously off-limits have to be so beautiful?

“I’ve wanted to make you laugh like this since the night we met. You were terrible at pretending to laugh when I asked you to, but in hindsight I see that was a good thing. Because if I’d seen what you are like when you truly let go, I would have fallen to my knees. Right then and there.”

“He also said that leaving you when he did is one of the hardest things he’s ever done. He placed special emphasis on the word hardest, but out of concern for my own sanity, I refuse to analyze why that might be.”

“Can all vampires fly?” “No,” he said tersely. “I cannot fly.” “Do you have special abilities, too?” “Yes, but…We’re getting sidetracked.”

it’s fruit, amelia. it’s fruit.

Dating Amelia Collins for real: Pros and Cons PROS: Efficiency. I can’t stop thinking about her so keeping her with me would save time

I haven’t made love to her yet and I REALLY want to. (I think she would enjoy it tbh) I would devote the rest of my existence to making her happy and I think (???) she would enjoy that Continued proximity to a real live historian (her dad)

Dating her and then losing her might break what’s left of my heart

Frederick stopped pacing and stared at him. “Expressing concern about someone else?” He shot me an amused glance. “My dear Amelia, what have you done to my terrible friend?”

Reggie let out a quiet moan. “You’re so hot when you talk taxes,” he breathed.

Subsequent sightings have confirmed that Watson now goes by the name Zelda Turret, has adopted veganism, and runs a popular hot yoga studio.

hot girl goals

FREDERICK: Oh you silly fool.

pot calling the kettle black

Frederick took the seat next to Reginald, smirking at him. “It’s a simple enough plan, don’t you think?” Then he leaned over and stage-whispered in his ear: “You like it when Amelia takes charge, don’t you.” “No,” Reggie said, glaring at him. A moment later, he quietly murmured, “Yes.”

“It did go pretty well,” I agreed. “The Collective is off your back for now, maybe forever. And I got to save the day with tax law.” I grinned up at him. “That never happens.”

You force me to take time for myself, reminding me in a way I can never seem to remember that I’m worth it. You make me laugh.”

“You like me for who, and what, I am. I may not know the specifics of what will come next if we stay together after the wedding, but for the first time in my life, I welcome some happy uncertainty.”

Grizzy

ok but how did a witch who went on the record saying she likes to burn things never get suspected of setting the fire???

But Reggie couldn’t go inside any sort of Christian church without, apparently, bursting into flames. (Inconvenient, he’d said, when he told me.)