My Vampire Plus-One

by Jenna Levine

And there was my most prized possession: a framed oil painting of Edward Cullen on the wall above the sink, sparkly and magnificent as he gazed moodily into the middle distance. (I didn’t care what Frederick thought about Twilight. I fucking loved Edward Cullen. To be able to read minds? Epic. Not for the first time, I wondered if the Berkeley stoner who sold me the painting fifteen years ago actually believed it when she’d said the painting’s sparkles were magic.)

My blood turned even colder in my veins than it already was at the sight of the three-foot-tall cardboard cutout of Count von Count from Sesame Street, standing beside the head of my bed, looking as comfortable in his surroundings as if he lived there. He was purple and Muppety, with wide unseeing eyes and a permanent grin splitting his face. He stood with one three-finger hand extended in front of him, as though he’d been in the middle of counting something important when they’d captured his likeness. For all I knew, he had been. I hadn’t seen Sesame Street since the late 1970s. Did Count von Count still get airtime? Not that I cared. I knew enough about the modern world to recognize a Muppet when I saw one, but certainly didn’t follow their careers. The bigger question was: What was he doing in here?

We believe this is due largely to Giuseppe’s cardboard Muppet stunt, taken without board approval. While using The Count appears to have successfully communicated our fury regarding the Count Wyatt Contesque INCIDENT, the implementation was as subtle as a vampire at sunrise. Giuseppe was reprimanded for acting without board approval and was admonished not to do something so silly again.