The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships

by Harriet Lerner

1. If you are angry with someone, that’s the person you should tell. Even if Sue is resistant, rebellious, or rude, she is still the person to deal with. And dealing with her doesn’t necessarily mean venting your anger at her. It means making use of everything that you have learned in this book—not with a third party but directly with Sue. 2. If you want to go up the hierarchy with your anger, make sure to go through the appropriate channels and be open about it. For example, suppose that Karen (Chapter 5) asked her boss to change her job rating from “Very Satisfactory” to “Superior” and he refused. If Karen wants a third party to review her evaluation, she can find out what the acceptable procedure is and tell her boss that she plans to go over his head and why. If you are open about bringing in another party and you make sure to use the appropriate hierarchy, you may avoid forming a triangle that will escalate anger and stress in the long run. 3. When you are angry, speak in your own voice. ​Whether you are addressing a subordinate or a superior, don’t bring in an anonymous third party by saying, “Other people think you’re difficult to work with,” or, “There have been some complaints about your attitude.” Nameless, faceless criticism increases anxiety and is neither fair nor helpful. If you have an issue with someone, use the word “I.” (“I think . . .” “I feel . . .” “I want . . .” “I am concerned . . .”) Let other people speak for themselves. 4. Avoid secrets. If you be...

Dealing with/avoiding triangles at work