The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships

by Harriet Lerner

But what is wrong with taking responsibility for others? In some respects, nothing. For generations, women have gained both identity and esteem from our deep investment in protecting, helping, nurturing, and comforting others. Surely, connectedness to others, empathy and loving regard for our fellow human beings, and investment in facilitating the growth of the young are virtues of the highest order for both women and men. The problem arises when we are excessively reactive to other people’s problems, when we assume responsibility for things that we are not responsible for, and when we attempt to control things that are not in our control. When we overfunction for another individual, we end up very angry, and in the process, we facilitate the

The problem of assuming responsibility for others for whom we are not responsible