The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships

by Harriet Lerner

How can Maggie best maintain emotional closeness with her mother at this time? She might ask her mother questions about her interests and activities. She can express interest in learning more about her mother’s own past and personal history. This is one of the best ways to stay emotionally connected to members of our family and, at the same time, learn more about our selves (see Chapter 6). When things cool off a bit and the relationship is calm, Maggie might initiate a dialogue with her mother on the subject of raising children—an area in which mother has valuable expertise. For example, Maggie might say, “You know, Mother, sometimes I try to comfort Amy and she keeps crying and crying. Did you go through that when we were little? How did you handle it?” Or, “What was it like for you to raise four children, especially when two of us were only a year apart?” If her mother were to reply in a huff, “Well, I thought you had enough of my advice!” Maggie might respond, “Actually, I don’t find advice helpful—even good advice—because I need to struggle with the problem myself and find my own solution. But I do find it very useful to learn more about your own experience and how you handled things.” Blocking advice-giving—if that is one of the problems—is not the same as cutting off the lines of communication. As we become more independent we learn more about our family members, not less, and we are able to share more about our selves.