Learning how not to be helpful requires a certain attitude toward relationships and an ability to strike the right balance between the forces of separateness and togetherness. If Lois’s tone is, “Don’t try to involve me, it’s not my problem,” the old pattern won’t change. This is a reactive and distancing position. Similarly, if Lois says, “Well, I’m not going to give you any advice or money from now on because it’s not good for you, Brian,” she is simply doing another variation of her therapeutic “I-really-know-what’s-best-for-you” attitude. Learning how not to be helpful requires that we
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