War with the Newts

by Karel Čapek

‘Gentlemen, I would ask you to reflect on the advantages of such co-operation. The Salamander Syndicate will supply not only Newts but also all the tools and food needed by the Newts, that is maize, starch products, suet and sugar for the feeding of billions of animals; further the transport, insurance, veterinary services, and so on - all this at the lowest cost which would ensure if not a monopoly then at least an overwhelming superiority over any future competitor who might try to market Newts. Just let them try, gentlemen; they won’t compete with us for long.’ (Bravo!) ‘And that’s not all. The Salamander Syndicate will supply all the building materials for the hydro-engineering work to be done by the Newts. That’s why heavy industry is backing us, cement, building timber, stone - ‘(You don’t know yet how well the Newts are going to work!) ‘Gentlemen, at this very moment twelve thousand Newts are working in Saigon harbour on new docks, basins and jetties.’ (You never told us that!) ‘No. It is the first large-scale experiment. This experiment, gentlemen, has been most gratifyingly successful. The future of the Newts is now beyond any doubt.’ (Enthusiastic applause)