War with the Newts
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Read between March 22 - March 25, 2023
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Yet even then the newspaper readership, sprawled out in agonies of boredom on sandy beaches or in the dappled shade of trees, demoralised by the heat, by nature, by the rural tranquillity and just by the simple healthy life of being on holiday, expects, with hopes dashed anew every day, that at least in their paper they’ll find something new and refreshing, some murder perhaps or a war or an earthquake, in short Something. And if they don’t find it they throw down their papers and angrily declare that there isn’t a thing, not a damned thing, in the paper, that it’s not worth reading at all and ...more
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Man alive, I don’t really trust Peters because he wears glasses - but it’s odd all the same.
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There was a prolonged discussion in the press, finally brought to an end by Professor J. W. Hopkins (Yale) with the announcement that he had examined the photographs submitted to him and that he considered them a fraud (‘a hoax’) or some trick photography; that the animals depicted were somewhat reminiscent of the Giant Covered-Gilled Salamander (Cryptobranchus japonicus, Sieboldia maxima, Tritomegas Sieboldii or Megalobatrachus Sieboldii), but inaccurately, clumsily and downright amateurishly copied. In this way the matter was scientifically settled for some time to come.
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In the United States, in particular, Tritons became fashionable; in New York the lavish review featuring Poseidon, with 300 of the prettiest girl Tritons, Nereids and Sirens ran to 300 performances; in Miami and on the Californian beaches young people wore Triton and Nereid swimsuits (i.e. three strings of pearls and nothing else), while in the Midwestern states and the Bible Belt the Movement for the Suppression of Immorality (MSI) recorded an extraordinary increase in support; in this connection mass demonstrations took place and a number of negroes were either hanged or burnt to death.
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Thus it came about that eventually the natural history of every nation had its own giant salamanders and was waging a furious scientific war against the giant salamanders of other nations. As a result, that whole important business of the salamanders was never sufficiently resolved on the scientific side.
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There is absolutely no need to overrate its intelligence, since in no respect does it exceed the intelligence of the average person of our time.
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That under-evolved animal suddenly finds itself in a new, infinitely more promising, environment; the coiled spring of evolution within it is released. And watch that vital elan, that Miocene exuberance with which Andrias hurls himself forward along the road of evolution! How feverishly he makes up for the hundreds of thousands and millions of years of evolution he has missed! Is it conceivable that he will content himself with the evolutionary stage he has reached today? Will the generic upsurge we have witnessed now exhaust itself - or is Andrias still only on the threshold of his evolution ...more
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‘Gentlemen, I would ask you to reflect on the advantages of such co-operation. The Salamander Syndicate will supply not only Newts but also all the tools and food needed by the Newts, that is maize, starch products, suet and sugar for the feeding of billions of animals; further the transport, insurance, veterinary services, and so on - all this at the lowest cost which would ensure if not a monopoly then at least an overwhelming superiority over any future competitor who might try to market Newts. Just let them try, gentlemen; they won’t compete with us for long.’ (Bravo!) ‘And that’s not all. ...more
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We shall give the world the workforce of the sea, gentlemen. This will no longer be the style of Captain van Toch; we shall replace the adventure story of pearls by the hymnic paean of labour.
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‘Why, those bloody Newts. Now at least they’ll be decently treated - now that they have some value.
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It is difficult to describe the impression produced by that dance of the Newts.
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Besides, people never regard anything that serves and benefits them as mysterious; only the things which damage or threaten them are mysterious.
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but what else is civilisation than the ability to make use of things invented by someone else?
Robert Dunbar liked this
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‘That’s just it,’ Mr Povondra muttered uneasily. ‘Once those brutes start to defend themselves it’ll be a sad day.
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The ship listed over, and simultaneously there was a thunderous explosion. It was obvious that the cruiser was sinking; within a quarter of an hour motorboats were arriving from harbours in the vicinity but no assistance was needed; apart from three men who had been killed by the explosion itself the whole crew managed to save themselves, and the Jules Flambeau sank five minutes after her captain, as the last man aboard, had abandoned ship with the memorable remark: ‘That’s that, then.’
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But when the coasts on both sides of the Straits were cordoned off by troops, and when the British Prime Minister (for only the fourth time in world history) cut short his weekend on Saturday evening to hurry back to London people began to suspect that this was an affair of extremely serious international import.
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It was only some years later, when Sir Thomas Mulberry, a member of the British Cabinet at the time, lost his parliamentary seat at the general election and thereupon published his political memoirs that the public was able to find out what had actually happened. Except that by then no one was interested any more.
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Never has mankind experienced a greater upsurge to its life than today; yet find me one person who is happy, show me one class that is content, or one nation that does not feel threatened in its existence.
Robert Dunbar liked this
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‘Hello, hello, you people,’ the squawky voice spoke up again; ‘and now you’ll hear a programme of light music from your gramophone records. We start with ‘The March of the Tritons’ from the film spectacular Poseidon.
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The only international aid that could be given to states attacked by the salamanders was the granting of foreign loans for their successful defence.
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The world will probably disintegrate and become inundated - but at least it will do so for universally accepted political and economic reasons, at least it will do so with the aid of science, engineering and public opinion, with the application of all human ingenuity! No cosmic catastrophe - just national, power-political, economic and other reasons. What can you do against that?’
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The inner voice was silent for a while. ‘And aren’t you sorry for mankind?’
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Why should Nature put right what man has messed up?
Mike C and 1 other person liked this
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‘Oh yes, they’ve got heaps of arms. So there you are. Just think: aren’t they bound to learn from man how history is made?’
Mike C liked this
Lilo
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Lilo
I won't comment to the highlights, as I am very short of time. But I can say that "War With the Newts" is one of my most favorite satire books.
aPriL does feral sometimes
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aPriL does feral sometimes
👍 👏