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The Anson that Shep had described was easygoing and almost mischievous. The person I’d met today was cold with a harshness that didn’t compute. Even if he had saved my ass, quite literally.
his blue-gray eyes. They reminded me of an ocean turned upside down by a hurricane.
“Need something, Reckless?”
somewhere along the way, I realized that losing so much had made me appreciate what I’d found even more.
“Some people are just blind to the beauty beneath the damage.”
The last thing I wanted was to walk any closer to Rhodes. To her brightness, her color. It only made me realize just how gray my world had become.
Ego was a much better option than obsession. Ego wounds could heal. Obsession, not so much. And sometimes, you didn’t know what you were dealing with until it was too late.
“You shouldn’t hide a damned thing, Reckless. Especially not something that proves how strong you are.”
Instead of being annoyed with me, Rhodes just smiled. It was far too wide for the situation. “What are you doing?” “You like me.” My whole body stiffened. “I do not.” Rhodes’ smile only widened more, making the gold in her eyes spark and swirl. “Do, too.” “What are you, five?” I snapped. She laughed, and the sound hit me somewhere in the vicinity of my chest, digging in and spreading through me. That pins-and-needles sensation you got when a numb limb finally regained feeling. I fucking hated it.
You’re not the bad guy you want people to think you are.”
Friends wasn’t something I could be with Rhodes. For many reasons. A friend didn’t think about shoving the other against a wall and driving into them so hard they couldn’t breathe. A friend didn’t imagine wrapping the other’s hair around his fist as he fucked her mouth. A friend didn’t picture what the other would look like sprawled across his sheets while he ate her until she screamed.
I knew better than most that the Universe didn’t pull any punches when it came to pain. It could lash out when you least expected it. And take out the most undeserving in its wrath.
“You can only do what you can do.”
So many people were uncomfortable with agony. They couldn’t stand to see others in the throes of grief because it reminded them of what was at stake in their lives. That they, too, could lose everything in a flash.
“Sometimes, the only way to stay alive and breathing is to pretend it never happened. Over time, you can let it in, piece by piece, but if you do it all at once, you could drown in the grief.”
The fact that I could spill the thing I was most ashamed of, and he got it? That was one of the greatest gifts I’d ever received.
“If you ever decide to let someone shoulder the load with you for a little while, I’m here.”
That was the thing I was starting to realize about Rho. She wasn’t afraid to show the world how she felt. Happy, sad, anything in between. She just let those emotions fly.
“You take the bad and turn it into good.”
“But good can come, even out of those darkest depths. It doesn’t mean we’re glad we went through it. It just means we won’t let it change us for the worse.”
“I don’t think I’m as strong as you,” I rasped. Rho stared hard at me, not looking away in the face of my weakness. “Everyone has their own path to get there. Yours doesn’t have to look like mine. You just can’t stop walking it.”
“You’re not alone, Anson. Plenty of people would keep you company on the path if you asked. Me included.” Hell. She slayed me. That simple, bold kindness. So unafraid.
“Go back to your room,” I gritted out. A little furrow appeared on her brow. “Why—?” “Because I’m holding on to my last shred of humanity, and if you stand here in those goddamn shorts for another ten seconds, it’s going to snap.”
“What happens if you snap?” she whispered. “I fuck you so hard you’ll feel me for weeks. I’ll ruin you, Reckless. You think I can’t taint you with my pain and the darkness that lives inside me, but you’re wrong.”
My name on her tongue. Heaven and hell all at once.
“Get dressed, Reckless.” Then Anson licked clean the fingers that had just been inside me. I gaped at him. “You didn’t.”
“Sometimes, being the one who’s left behind is the heaviest weight. But it doesn’t mean you stop fighting.”
We were so different. Vibrant color and shades of gray. Bursting blooms and the darkest night. But we were also the same.
“You matter, Anson. You’re a good man.” “Reckless.” The word was more rasp than syllables. “A good man. No matter how much you try to hide it.”
“Sleep, Reckless. I’ll keep the demons away.”
“My reckless girl,” he growled. “Been dying for this. Now, grab the headboard and ride my face.”
“We’re all a mess, Rho. We all have our baggage. It’s how we deal with it that counts.”
Maybe I avoided reaching for forever the same way I avoided reading the ends of books. Because I knew that, sometimes, forever got ripped right out from under you.
Someone had tried to snuff out the only tiny pinpricks of light I had in my life.
“You can’t truly live without some sort of hurt. If you’re so focused on avoiding discomfort, you end up living a half-life. You might get to skip the lowest lows, but you don’t get the highest highs either.”
True!!
“Can’t handle being away from you,” he croaked. “Especially not when you’re hurting.” He swallowed hard. “I didn’t want to care about anyone. But you shot that all to hell.”
“You didn’t sneak past my defenses, you bulldozed them. Reckless to the bone. And maybe you made me brave enough to be reckless, too.”
“None of us is just one thing. We’re not all good or all bad. We’re a blend of shadow and light. And those sparks only shine because of the darkness.”
“You make me want to reach for things I thought were dead and buried. You make me feel again,”
I knew that all I would ever want was the murky gray in this twilight of us, where the sparks of feeling shone brighter than the sun on a summer day.
“You wanna play, Reckless?”
“You’re with me. If I leave, if I stay, wherever the hell the path leads, you’re with me.”
“But you stormed in anyway. You tore down every wall I put up. I didn’t want to love you. But I fucking do. With every part of me. It’s not a sappy love. It burns. Scars. It changed me. All in the best ways. I love you, Rho.
“You’re my sanctuary. Where I feel peace. Where I feel seen. Don’t want anything more.”
The End is only a chance for another beginning.
“You gave me air when I thought I’d never breathe again. You gave me color when my world had gone black. You see every part of me. I don’t want to spend another moment without you.
