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But an asshole was better than the alternative. Better than caring. About anything or anyone. Caring was a recipe for nothing but agony.
Happiness was the greatest torture of all because it could all be taken away—and it was so much worse than if you’d never experienced it at all.
“Don’t do people. Love dogs.” And with that, he stalked back to the main site and his crew.
Who was I kidding? Everything about her twisted my insides. Too beautiful. Too bright. Too kind. She even took in damn dogs.
The last thing I wanted was to walk any closer to Rhodes. To her brightness, her color. It only made me realize just how gray my world had become.
“You shouldn’t hide a damned thing, Reckless. Especially not something that proves how strong you are.”
“She matters to you. I wasn’t going to walk away.” But that wasn’t entirely true. I hadn’t run across the gravel drive because of some sense of duty to Shep. I’d charged over because I couldn’t stand the thought of Rhodes in pain or danger. And that meant I was screwed.
A soft chuckle escaped Rhodes. She had so many different kinds of laughs, and I was starting to get addicted to finding each new one.
“Sometimes, the only way to stay alive and breathing is to pretend it never happened. Over time, you can let it in, piece by piece, but if you do it all at once, you could drown in the grief.”
“It’s not you,” he gritted out. “I don’t do relationships with anyone. Not friendship, not more. Wouldn’t want to saddle a single soul with the fucked-up shit that’s me. But you keep looking at me with those kiss-me eyes, all green and sparking gold, and it’s killing me. Doesn’t matter how much I want to drown in your taste. How much I want to know what it would be like to sink into that sweet heat. I can’t. I won’t.”
“If you ever decide to let someone shoulder the load with you for a little while, I’m here.” She didn’t wait for me to answer; simply turned around and headed back to the guesthouse, taking her light with her as she left.
She was the only one I’d let see even a hint of my pain. Because I hadn’t felt like I deserved to let others in on my suffering. Not when the pain was my fault to begin with. But somehow, in those tiny stolen moments with her, Rho had shattered the walls I’d constructed around that pain. She’d made it okay to let some pieces free.
“Because I’m holding on to my last shred of humanity, and if you stand here in those goddamn shorts for another ten seconds, it’s going to snap.”
“Sleep, Reckless. I’ll keep the demons away.” And he did.
Because the moments I was with Rho, when I heard her laugh, drowned in the feel of her, they were the only times since Greta died when I felt true peace.
“Can’t handle being away from you,” he croaked. “Especially not when you’re hurting.” He swallowed hard. “I didn’t want to care about anyone. But you shot that all to hell.” My heart hammered against my ribs, butterfly wings dying to break free. A muscle fluttered in Anson’s cheek. “You didn’t sneak past my defenses, you bulldozed them. Reckless to the bone. And maybe you made me brave enough to be reckless, too.”
“You make me want to reach for things I thought were dead and buried. You make me feel again,” Anson said,
“This is real. I’m probably going to fuck it up a million times over, but I won’t stop trying.” Rho melted against me. “I’d rather have you and your fuckups than anyone else.”
I reached over, sliding a hand across her jaw. “I’d go to hell and back for you.”
“So, I’d find you. And then I’d kick your ass for trying that BS. So, don’t. Or if you do, take me with you. I’ll run wherever you want. We’ll make here wherever you need it to be.”
I pulled Rho into my arms, dropping my forehead to hers. “You’re with me. If I leave, if I stay, wherever the hell the path leads, you’re with me.” Rho’s hands fisted in my tee. “Always. Whatever comes our way.”
I did know her. And more than that, I loved her. My throat constricted, a burn alighting there. I should’ve told her. As if not saying the words would somehow protect me if I lost her.
He was right. But I didn’t care. Wherever Rho was, that’s where I wanted to be. The cost didn’t matter. Because she was my sanctuary. I’d just never realized how fragile it all was.
“But you stormed in anyway. You tore down every wall I put up. I didn’t want to love you. But I fucking do. With every part of me. It’s not a sappy love. It burns. Scars. It changed me. All in the best ways. I love you, Rho. And it killed that I was too scared to give you those words until now.” Tears pooled in my eyes, spilling over and tracking down my cheeks. “I love you, too. I don’t want sappy love. I want the real kind. And that’s what we have.”
Anson’s fingers wove through mine. “How would you feel about my moving in here while we bring that magic back?” My eyes burned. “You want to live with me?” “Home is wherever you are,” he whispered. “You’re my sanctuary. Where I feel peace. Where I feel seen. Don’t want anything more.” “Yes,” I whispered. “I want you to move in.” My eyes watered as my lips pulled into a smile.
“Anson.” It was the only thing I could get out. He gently unfastened the ring from the bookmark and took my hand. “You gave me air when I thought I’d never breathe again. You gave me color when my world had gone black. You see every part of me. I don’t want to spend another moment without you. Marry me.” My heart thudded against my ribs. “Yes. Wherever you are is where I want to be.”
