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I feel a shameful amount of jealousy that Arlo has the power to make my brother leave and an overwhelming amount of sadness that I’m not enough to make him stay.
I know he doesn’t feel the same, because he told me exactly that, but my heart feels safer being caught up in his unrequited love than ever giving it to someone else.
Because even if things between us are complex, and we’re still as close as ever, the reality that I opened myself up to another person—after I swore I never would again—and was turned away, makes my abandonment issues the very front and center of my life.
I’m a spoiled brat, who got hooked on pain pills because I wanted to take them for fun. I wasn’t even in pain. But now, pain is all I feel.
I am Samuel Hart, in love with his best friend, living in denial and so fucking full of regret.
“I love you,” he says, reading off the screen. “I love you both. I love you individually. I love us all together. All my todays are for you, and all my tomorrows are because of you.”

