Catch the Sun

by Jennifer Hartmann

“Your smile makes me feel cherished.”

finish, “And your arms make me feel safe.”

“Kissing you feels like catching the sun,”

“You deserve so much more than you know.”

“And I think that’s the only way to recognize your real home. You need to be lost first. You need to be wandering, forgotten, misplaced. Only then will you truly know where you belong.”

My girl fell off a fucking cliff. She fell. And I wasn’t there to catch her.

Even the sun navigates through shadows.

“There is no hurry. We shall get there someday.”

And I’ll tell you about that night on the bridge when I did kiss you. Time stopped, Ella. The world stopped. Everything stopped,”

“I’m absolutely petrified that you’re falling away from me, while I’m falling more and more in love with you. Every day. Every minute.”

“Souls don’t see, Sunny. Souls feel. They feel, and they yearn, and they know.” Swallowing, I move in closer, refusing to give up on this. Refusing to give up on her. “I’d feel you in any lifetime, in any version of any reality. And I’d know, without a doubt, without a shred of hesitation…that your soul was meant for mine.”

“I’ve read hundreds and hundreds of books in my lifetime and nothing—nothing—could ever paint a tragedy like the one I’m living.”

Just a few months after escaping death row, my brother is going back to prison. I’ll put him there myself if I have to.

“I could never hate you.”

How to Catch the Sun 1. Strategy? Still formulating, but persistence is key. I’ll get back to you on that. 2. Once I figure it out, I’m never going to let it go. I’ll bask in that glow, let it warm me, fill me up, and hell, I’ll even let it burn me. A small price to pay for eternal sunshine. 3. You’re my perpetual horizon, Sunny. I’ll never stop chasing your light. This wasn’t the structured list you anticipated. My muse feels distant. But then, so do you. Come back to me. —Max

“Love always hurts, honey. That’s the price we pay to experience it. Sometimes that hurt is on a smaller scale, and sometimes it’s big enough to move mountains. Either way, it hurts. You have to think of it as a cruel gift. Nothing good in life is ever free. There are always sacrifices and tough blows. And even if we never fully recover from those blows, we can appreciate the love while it was still sweet and untainted. After all, it was there first. It’s the conduit for every raw, passionate, ugly heartache we experience in this life.”

“I’ll never lie and say it’s easy. I’ll never pretend like it doesn’t suck your soul straight out of you sometimes…but I will tell you that it’s still possible to find the light. The loss is permanent, but the darkness isn’t.”

“She’s your light, Max. Trust me on that,” he says with conviction, tipping his head toward Ella’s property. “Don’t let it get away.”

Light and darkness. Yin and yang. Sun and moon.

She’s my light and I’m hers. My sweet Sunny Girl.

“You’re my answer, Sunny.”

Dear Max, You can’t catch the sun, but there’s no shame in chasing its light. I hope this brings you light. Thank you for being mine. Give your father the best care possible. I love you. —Sunny

“Change your number,” I force out, every word a dagger to my insides. “I’m begging you. Change your number and delete mine, because I swear I will reach out to you in my weak moments.”

“Don’t let anyone tell me where you are. Make them promise you. I’ll come for you, Ella. I swear to God I’ll come for you and I’ll never let you go.”

“Go live a good life, Ella. The best life. Meet new people, learn to skip stones, watch every sunrise and every sunset. Find a bridge and toss sticks into streams. Dance. Dance, no matter who’s watching. Read as many books as you can, make lists, drink Dr Pepper, and ride horses until you can’t catch your breath.” I cup her face between my hands and place a final kiss on her lips. “And think of me. Bring me with you to all of those things,” I plead, the pain eating me alive. “Don’t let me go, Sunny. Don’t ever let us go.”

“Go live, Sunny Girl.”

“Goodbye…? Oh no, please. Can’t we just go back to page one and start all over again?”

—The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh, 1977 Disney movie

Just as the sun rises, so does the chance for a new beginning.

“Souls don’t see, Sunny. Souls feel.”

A can of Dr Pepper comes flying at me through the wall of darkness. I catch it.

“I remember everything you tell me.”

“We didn’t break up, Sunny,” he murmurs back. “We just broke.”

“You became my unskipped stone. Forever out of reach.”

“Enough to lay new roots on a little horse farm I named after her?”

“I’ve carried you with me, all this time. You rise and fall with every sun. You’re between the pages of every book I read. You’re with me on every bridge, and you’re in the verses of every song that plays,” I confess. “I never let you go.”

Love is war. You fight until you win, or you fight until you lose. Imagine the victory after all that pain and struggle, after all those battle wounds.” I

“War was never meant for peacemakers. There is no place for white flags and soft hearts. It’s loud, feral, and violent. Love is a killer, but not everyone dies bloody. Some stand tall in the end.”

“Fight with me,” I plead, slamming my eyes shut. “Win with me.”

“My troubles are all over, and I am at home.”