Unsteady

by Peyton Corinne

But I’ve been through this before, and as much as I want to use her to push away the darkness, I want to love her more. So I close my eyes and remind myself that I’m okay. I’m healing.

I’m completely in love with her.

Protecting her brothers. Keeping them close, because there wasn’t one adult in her life she could trust. And no one was taking care of her. No one had been taking care of her for years. That was her normal. My chest squeezes tight again. Not anymore.

I wait for him to leave. To tell me that he knew I was like this, worthless, terrible. A bitch, too angry and unlovable. But he only stands there, quiet and solemn.

“I don’t know what I’m going to have to do to prove to you and Oliver that I’m not leaving—and honestly, I don’t care what it is, I’ll do it.”

Loathing, self-hatred. If you feed them enough, they grow like irremovable vines. Mine grew thorns and wrapped around me as a kid, and no one has ever bothered to try to get in. Until now.

You ruin everything. Look at him—the golden boy who’s never angry, suddenly furious. You take everything good and ruin it. Oliver’s next, already so jaded. Liam won’t be far behind.

“I thought you were broken like me,” I whisper, the words pouring out. “But you’re not. You’re… Rhys, you’re amazing. You’re everything to the people around you, even the ones who don’t know you. Out there? On campus or on the ice? You’re a shooting star.

And you might’ve been hurting when you met me, but… you’re getting better. And my life is going to be like this for a long time.

“I love you,” he says, and he’s smiling—both dimples glinting. As if I didn’t just spill the mess of my life,

My anger has never worked on Rhys; neither have my efforts to shove him away.

“I love you. I love everything about you. I love your anger and your snark. I love the way you skate—like you’re full of fire. It makes me remember when I fell in love with hockey. I love how you take care of your brothers, how you protect and love Ro. I love the way you get that frustrated-confused look on your face—the same one you have right now—with the little divot between your brows.”

if you don’t want me anymore, that’s something I’ll have to deal with. But there will never be a day that I do not want you.”

“You don’t need to say anything right now, okay? I can love you enough for the both of us.”

He’s burned into me, I think, like a brand. I’ll never recover from him.

I’ve never belonged to anyone, or anywhere. It’s a warm feeling when I thought it would be suffocating.

He might be a solid ice captain when in a pair of skates, the Waterfell Wolves’ fearless leader. But for me, he’ll always be soft.

And I see it then: the reason Rhys loves me the way he does. The reason he cares for the boys and wants to keep us close. It’s because he’s seen this his whole life. Has been surrounded by love. Loving me, loving my brothers—it’s easy for him.

Push me out again, love. Go ahead, try to make me think that you would be better off without me. It doesn’t matter what she says right now; I’m not letting go.

If you need some space and some time, need to move a little slower, fine. I’ll give you that. But you will not be alone.

She is layered in black, but still, she is everything bright in my life. I love her, I’d do anything for her. And right now that means giving her support, but also the space to work out her own feelings.

“I just want you to know that taking care of your brothers by yourself is very brave. You’re so strong and smart, and I hope I can be half as incredible one day.”

I say it in front of her brothers because I need them to understand how amazing their big sister is—and how nothing that’s coming will change that. That no one wants to take them from her, nor her from them.

“I’m here for all of you, okay? I love you.” My eyes flick to the rearview mirror and lock with O...

It doesn’t matter how much distance there is between us right now; as long as she’ll have me, I’ll be right here. Waiting and cheering from the bleachers, if that’s what she needs.

“I’m sorry I pushed you away,” I murmur into the fabric of his shirt. “I was never going anywhere, anyway.”

Like I’m holding tight, just in case. But if there’s anything this man has shown me, it’s that he’s not leaving.

“I will spend every day forever reminding you how amazing and special you are. How lucky I am to have someone so brave and smart and talented and beautiful love me. I see the way you love your brothers. I know how special your kind of love is.”

“You are worth it. And if I have to fight the little demons in your mind that convince you otherwise every day for the rest of our lives? I’ll happily do it. Do you understand?”

I love Rhys Koteskiy. And I’m learning that I do deserve him. I’m never letting go of his hand again.

Rhys is handsome, yes, but he is also everything warm and good and kind-hearted, and I never want to let go of his hand.

He takes my hand in his, and we step onto the ice together. From now until… forever.

I want to say I owe them everything, but I’m learning that it’s okay to ask for help and accept it without constantly worrying about how to repay people.

He is beautiful. In his easy love for my brothers, his support of everything I do. His gentleness with my heart, but stubbornness against my anger. He cut through the vines of my fury and self-hatred like it was the only thing he was meant for.

Rhys Koteskiy is pure gold. I know it. And soon the entire world will too.

Sadie Brown will always be the only thing I want to look at, shining and blazing like fire on ice. She’s always been beautiful, but I think my attraction to her grows with every day.

I stare right down into the eyes of my golden boy, whose sad eyes aren’t sad anymore. And if I have anything to do with it, they never will be again.

Every time I start to write, I think of a million people out there that have a favorite book, well-loved and tabbed on top of their bedside table. Or maybe in perfect condition, placed on a special shelf and admired. When I was scared to pick up my metaphorical pen and continue on, I kept hearing the same words: “Every book is someone’s favorite book.” And if this book brings someone comfort, becomes just one someone’s favorite, then it’s worth the fear, isn’t it?