Unsteady

by Peyton Corinne

Except for the warmth of her beside me. Somehow, that’s more.

His laugh bursts out, beautiful and tinged with the boyish vulnerability of a kid talking to his school crush.

Crumbs. I’ll eat every last one.

I try to listen most on those days, as if the lyrics she hears might be another language for her. I want to pick up on the smallest of hints, desperate for as much of her as I can consume.

My heart pinches like a lingering stab wound at the thought of her in her bedroom, up all night curating songs and making art for the cover so it looked like this. For me.

Digging a second set of AirPods from my pocket—a gift I’d been working up the nerve to give to her for nearly a week, I slip them into her ears and gently let her go.

“I like anything when it comes to you,” he confesses, and my heart clenches.

The next morning, before I can even consider what I’ll do to get back my own car, I step outside to see my Jeep is in the driveway, freshly detailed. It starts without any complaint.

“So I should text her instead of showing up unannounced and sending her into a spiral?” Ro smiles again, somehow broader, like the thought of me understanding some of the complexities of her dear friend makes her ecstatic. “Exactly.”

“Girlfriend?” Rhys blushes and I find myself suddenly aching to say yes and tackle him to kiss his heated skin.

“I don’t really…” He trails off, seeming to be engaged in some sort of mental battle. “Never mind—I’m not missing my chance. Yes.”

“And tell your little friend up there to watch her fucking back. I don’t need unbruised knuckles to skate.”

He looked angry the entire time, but that’s a usual expression for the controlled goalie. But then, he hugged me. Tight. Loving. His eyes were wet with tears as he looked at me and said, “If you’d told us, told me, we could’ve helped. Things would’ve been different.”

“I know I am not your mother.” He raises his hand to silence my protests. “But along with her, you are the most important thing in my life. I would bleed myself dry if it meant I could take your pain for you. Now, tell me.”

For the time being, I am waiting on her and making myself worthy of her. A week back in therapy isn’t enough, but it’s a start. Sadie can’t be my crutch if I want her to be mine. I won’t put that on her ever again.

I wonder if my belt will leave an imprint beneath the leggings

alexa play feathered indians by tyler childers while i sob

“What’s this?” “It’s… ah, latte foam art. It’s supposed to be a flower.” He says it sheepishly, quiet. “I love it.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever been happier, Gray,” he whispers. Another kiss to the corner of my mouth. “My girl.” Like a balm to a wound I didn’t know I carried, Rhys holds me close. And that’s more than enough.

“He’s not dumb,” she huffs. “He’s actually really smart. I mean, look at him play—he reads every move so well. He and Rhys are, like, perfect together.”

THEIR BOOK IS GONNA BE SO GOOD

My boyfriend is smiling, his eyes dark. “Look at her again, see what happens.” The threat is clear, menacing despite the dimpled fake smile stretching his cheeks.

“Stop it!” Ro squeals, jerking forward between their seats so her head is level with theirs, a mop of curls cascading like water around them. “He’s not a fucking object. Shut the hell up and stop spreading rumors you know nothing about.”

YEAH GET EM RO

“He’s okay,” he says. “Sit down.” “Ben—” “If he sees you panicking, it’s gonna make him feel worse. Sit. Down.”

god i need bennett biblically

“I’m not gonna leave her, Oliver. Never, okay? She may ask me to go one day, but I will never be the one to leave. Not her, or your brother, or you. Tell me you understand that.”

I’d marry Sadie tomorrow if it meant it got them out of this damn house. Who am I kidding? I’d marry Sadie tomorrow. Period. No stipulations.

And I see it then: the reason Rhys loves me the way he does. The reason he cares for the boys and wants to keep us close. It’s because he’s seen this his whole life. Has been surrounded by love. Loving me, loving my brothers—it’s easy for him.

He grabs his wife in a gentle grip, pulling her slightly behind him. When she begins to protest that she’s fine, he brushes a hand along her cheek and whispers, “I know you are, Trouble. But let me handle this, okay? For my own stupid male pride.”

I smile despite her words, because the girl can grumble about hockey players and ruined ice all she wants, but I know my girl keeps tabs on me.

Someone grabs Kelley from behind, yanking him off me and slamming one fist into his face. My coach goes down, out cold. Toren Kane.

I just know this man needs a hug

“Coaches like that will never fucking stop.” I wrap my arms around myself, still feeling shaken and scared. “Thank you,” I manage to mutter. He scoffs, “Yeah, well. You can pay me back by telling someone how your own coach has been overtraining you to the point of injury.” “He… He only trains me hard because he believes in me—” An unsettling laugh bubbles from his mouth. “Yeah. Heard that one before.”

“I will spend every day forever reminding you how amazing and special you are. How lucky I am to have someone so brave and smart and talented and beautiful love me. I see the way you love your brothers. I know how special your kind of love is.” He tucks my hair behind my ears and cradles my entire face in his massive palms. “You are worth it. And if I have to fight the little demons in your mind that convince you otherwise every day for the rest of our lives? I’ll happily do it. Do you understand?”

I try, but I cannot figure him out. Toren is harsh, doesn’t get along with a single one of his teammates… and yet he saved me that day. Not only that, but he called out my overtraining far before—like he knew the signs of it. Like he’d experienced it.

I’ve watched him grow, change since that day on the ice this past summer. I’ve seen his body shift and fill out again now that anxiety doesn’t stifle his usual massive appetite. He is beautiful. In his easy love for my brothers, his support of everything I do. His gentleness with my heart, but stubbornness against my anger. He cut through the vines of my fury and self-hatred like it was the only thing he was meant for. It’s taken me this long, but I know who he is now. Rhys Koteskiy is pure gold. I know it. And soon the entire world will too.

But now, I get to be their sister. Love them, lift them up, watch them grow up—and not worry about where their next meal comes from or how I’ll pay for our rent. Now, Oliver gets to go to private hockey academies and training camps, if he wants. Now, Liam gets to see his grades and art projects displayed on a fridge that doesn’t contain beer bottles and empty promises. Now, I can watch them flourish and know that when I sleep at night, they’re happy. That I did it. I got them out.