Not for the Faint of Heart

by Lex Croucher

At the time it had seemed important; the fox had become tame enough to take scraps of meat and twists of hide directly from her hand, and putting a hat on him was the next logical step.

was seven and had scraped both his knees raw but was being very, very brave about it.

Luckily, Clem was ridiculous. She prided herself on her commitment to the absurd.

Clem was trying to place it—a larger-than-usual robin? A very horny blackbird?—

Gold jewelry! On the Merry Men! Unironically!

“Mariel,” he said now, red-faced, with a textbook parry that made Mariel want to scream through her clenched teeth. “I do not wish to hurt you. It is unbecoming of a lady—” “I’m going to kill you,” Mariel gritted out. “I’m going to stab you in many and varied locations, and I’m going to let you bleed out slowly, and then—and then I’m going to send your head to your father in a box.” “I find this sort of language very disappointing.”

“Yes,” Clem said. “I’m holding your hand. I’m making my move. I understand that you have trouble expressing your feelings and that my violent kidnapping was just your way of telling me you like-like me.”

“I’m not afraid of an audience. It won’t make me shy. If anything, I’ll piss harder, just to try to impress you…”

“Don’t be a dick, Richard,”

the human equivalent of a perky Labrador with verbal diarrhea.

These people were a bunch of masochists and martyrs.

“Oh, sorry, didn’t realize you had the monopoly on stress-induced sleep disorders.”

If she wanted to be sore and crispy, that was her prerogative.

so very robbable it was like he had painted an enormous banner that said Traveling Wealth Redistribution Center Here—and then ridden on ahead until they discovered a craggy outcrop perfect for an ambush.

The matching coif she had to wear was less sweet, and made her look a bit like a blue penis.

“Aw,” said Josey. “They’re going to make a baby.”

“Because I want to?” she offered. “Because it’s fun?” “Okay,” Mariel said. This was acceptable. “All right.” “Because I like you,” Clem said. This was not.

“I kidnapped you.” “I adjust easily to new people and situations.”

You have to know that you might be the only person who ever truly sees everything you do, how hard you work, what you believe in—and just do it anyway.”

“Hello, Fred,” Clem said faintly. “How’s that knee?”

If she lived through this, no more doing other people favors. Probably. Maybe. She’d take weekends off, at least.

“Good,” said Robin, patting her on the shoulder. “That’s all we can do. Fuck the fascists, and introspect.”

“It’d be like calling Chaucer Geoff.”