Elevator Pitch

by Evelyn Leigh

If you’ve ever been told “you’ll never find love if you don’t leave the house,” this one’s for you. & For those who need a reminder that they are worthy of love.

When I sprayed perfume on my ankles tonight, I obviously had other plans. Instead, I ended up with my ankles in a public sink while I scrubbed raw egg off my foot. After the worst date I’ve ever had, I’d just like to go home, curl up with a book, and forget this ever happened.

I’ve tried giving real men a chance, but that’s it. I’m deleting my dating profile and going back to fictional men.

I’ve committed to a date or two a week, and while I haven’t been successful, it’s been e...

I can’t say I wasn’t warned about the water conditions. If this is the dating pool, i...

Needs that a man hasn’t fulfilled in 788 days, but who’s counting? Surely, my friends are, who refer to me as "Cobweb Queen.”

If there was ever a real-life moment to redeem a get-out-of-jail-free card, that was it.

I’m a people pleaser in recovery. We prioritize everyone else’s happiness, even strangers who don’t mean anything to us. It’s just in our nature. Externally, I’m too fucking nice. Internally, I’m a badass like the women in my family. I struggle with displaying both sides in a way that is healthy for me.

Acknowledging my tendency to please others and making a conscious effort to unlearn that behavior has been one of the most challenging aspects of my personal development.

Someone is out there waiting to love me. Someone will see all that I am and provide ample space for me to just be. Someone will contribute to the life I’ve created for myself without dimming my light.

When I attended my ex-wife’s engagement party, I hadn’t expected to learn that she met her fiancé, Daniel, on the dating app I founded.

“Yeah. That was my thought too. She didn’t want to tell me because of how strange it was. She met her future husband on an app I created to move on from her.”

“That’s fucked up. If any person deserves to find love on that app, it should be you.” “The success of the app aided me through the divorce, and I’m proud of that. I didn’t create SoulBlend solely for me. I did it for everyone.”

I swear I’m not usually this rude. I’m just on the last two pages of this chapter, and I must know what happens. The enemies are about to become lovers, dammit!

“Listen, ma’am. I don’t have anywhere to be, but if you’re going to keep eye fucking me…I’d appreciate it if you’d ask me my name.”

I think I may be turned on right now. We’ll circle back to that.

You grabbed my attention and held onto it, all while you were focused on that novel. I wanted to earn your gaze.”

How the hell do I respond to that? I am not prepared, and why are my cheeks hot?

“You wanted to captivate me?” I say curiously. “Absolutely,” he r...

“How do you feel now that you got to see me?” He stares adoringly. “Very fucking fortunate.”

“My name is Greyson, but you can call me Grey if you’re nasty,” he adds with a disarming smile.

The audacity of this man.

“See you around, Selah. I hope to hear you calling me Grey sometime soon.”

Since we all had dates this week, we’re participating in the “brunch games.” The rules are simple: talk about your bad date or hookup, the table votes for the worst date, and the winner eats for free.

We’ve all been unlucky in our romantic endeavors but are still suckers for a good love story. So, it was only fitting that we named our book club “Hapless In Love.”

Reading romance is amazing, but eventually, you start to wonder if your main character moment will ever come along. I can’t be the only one who feels that way.

WWAD stands for “What would Audrey Do?” Anytime we need to be brave, she comes to mind.

It was important for me to find a fellow Black woman as a therapist. I wanted to open up to someone who looked like me and would have a better understanding of my daily challenges as a Black woman.

“You know, we often talk about the ‘strong Black woman trope,’ and when you hide your vulnerability, you’re adhering to it.

Fuck. Here come the tears. She always clocks me. I love and hate her for it.

Clifford’s been a pretty good wingman today, and what were the odds of that? Now she’ll be looking for me, and I won’t be hard to find. See you soon, Selah.

For the first time in my life, I felt like I made friends who genuinely saw me. Not the shell of a person I became to survive, but who I was beneath it all. Books brought me to them. Books and IKEA.

‘The Hapless In Love Book Club’ slogan is: If it ain’t got spice, no dice.

She’s my neighbor and that’s it. My beautiful neighbor that I think about often. My beautiful neighbor that I think about often seems to have a boyfriend. My beautiful neighbor that I think about often seems to have a boyfriend, and is off limits now. That’s it.

“No sexy spreadsheets today?” he asks. “What?” “I’ve seen you do things to spreadsheets that make my pants tight.” I burst out laughing. “Sir, please.” “Sir?” he asks in a gravelly tone and peers at me over his glasses.

His gaze feels like the warm sun on my skin on a spring morning. I want nothing more than to bask in it.

He studies my body language like his desire is to become fluent.

I’ve always looked forward to Fridays, but now it’s Tuesdays.

Nope. He’s my neighbor and that’s it. My hot neighbor whose big arms I’ve dreamt about. My hot neighbor whose big arms I’ve dreamt about picking me up and fu—that’s enough.

I’m just having dinner with my best friend and my dog while I watch my gorgeous neighbor slide down a pole across the street. Man. That sounds bad. I’m going to do it anyway.

“I know you don’t forgive yourself for the divorce, and you’re scared to hurt someone else. It was seven years ago, and you were kids. The man in front of me wouldn’t make that mistake again.”

Good girl. I’ll bite.

Game on. She has no idea what she just started.

“You want to buy me smut books?” “Yes.” “Paperback or hardcover?” “Anything you fucking want.”

“It’s a date. Don’t forget your wallet. Books aren’t cheap.” “Oh, I’m aware,” I chime. “Still on for Tuesday?” she asks. “I wouldn’t dare miss it. Goodnight, Selah.”

This woman is something else.

“Are you trying to seduce me?” “Is it working?” “No. Ask me at the end of the date.”

How will I survive the date if everything he’s doing has me ready to bite a pillow and scream?

“Is it working?” he asks. “What?” “You said to ask at the end of the date.” Oh. The seducing me thing. “Yeah,” I say breathily. “Remember, I’m a call away if you need anything,” he says, flashing a smile as he walks backward. He’s diabolical.

Selah Smokey? Really? You knew exactly what you were doing. Well played lol Me Don’t be like that. You challenged me. I was simply proving you wrong. Selah Men aren’t supposed to be right. Didn’t you know? Me It’s my first time being right.