Elevator Pitch

by Evelyn Leigh

I’ve tried giving real men a chance, but that’s it. I’m deleting my dating profile and going back to fictional men.

“Listen, ma’am. I don’t have anywhere to be, but if you’re going to keep eye fucking me…I’d appreciate it if you’d ask me my name.”

“Did I say that? For someone who reads, I’d expect you to wait for the words before you reacted to them.”

You grabbed my attention and held onto it, all while you were focused on that novel. I wanted to earn your gaze.”

“How do you feel now that you got to see me?” He stares adoringly. “Very fucking fortunate.” Well, shit.

The rules are simple: talk about your bad date or hookup, the table votes for the worst date, and the winner eats for free.

Oh I like that idea.

Reading romance is amazing, but eventually, you start to wonder if your main character moment will ever come along. I can’t be the only one who feels that way.

I don’t enjoy the colder months,

Same girl same

“It was a tiny rodent foot. It was a rat in his bed, but it wasn’t a typical New York rat. It wasn’t Ratatouille. It was more like Ravioli. He was on the bed walking across my hair when his foot got tangled in it.

Omfg! The quickness that my vagina would have dried up in addition to the heart attack that would have killed me! 😱 Poor thing!

So, he stills while he’s inside me and says, ‘Oh, that’s just my pet rat, Martell.’”

Oh, hell no! And you’re just calm while Stewart Little is just trapped in my hair?! 🤬

Everyone nods and says ‘Selah’ in unison.

Nah. Chess gets my vote.

Audrey’s long-time boyfriend, Rome, is a hot-shot criminal defense lawyer.

We already established this.

“I’m not looking for a life partner and I figured if I made my profile more appealing to what I assume men are looking for, I’d have better hits.” I raise my brow and lean back in my chair. “How’s that been working out for you?” “Not well, as you can see.”

Keeping it real.

Some people would be upset to hear their product ripped apart in that way, but I’m motivated by it.

I wish I was like that. Thick skinned people rock.

My hot neighbor whose big arms I’ve dreamt about. My hot neighbor whose big arms I’ve dreamt about picking me up and fu—that’s enough.

I love me some big strong arms too!

Wait. Selah pole dances? The thought sends blood rushing straight to my dick. I stiffen. Down boy. We’re in public.

Pro: He may be the perfect houseguest. Con: I think he’s trying to steal my heart. Alert the proper authorities.

“I know you’re dating, and there may be other worthy candidates. I’d like to request a trial run or…a taste test to prove myself?”

“I didn’t say you could take off your clothes. Did I?” I sigh. “No.” With a raised brow and an incredulous look, it’s clear he’d like to be the one to strip me. He seeks approval in my gaze, and I assure him.

“I’m going to strip you bare and grant your body the attention it deserves. I’m going to worship you, because it’s what you deserve, Princess.”

He leans in closely, lips hovering over my ear. “Let me feast.”