Elevator Pitch

by Evelyn Leigh

The last time I loved someone, it consumed me. I hyper focused on it, so much that I hadn’t even noticed it wasn’t mutual. The last time I loved someone, I mistook his attentiveness for adoration. He studied me with a goal to manipulate and abuse. I was nothing but a target. The last time I loved someone, it swallowed me whole.

I didn’t have to be alone, and they would’ve shown up for me.

“Make a wish, Grey.” I close my eyes and blow out the candles. I wish she was mine.

“Did you make a good wish?” “The best one.” “I hope you get everything you wished for.” “Me too,”

I sit back, admiring her as she slices into the cake and that’s when it hits me. I’m in love with Selah and she doesn’t even know it.

If I am not willing to confront my past, my fear of failing another person will come true.

as excruciating as the stroll down memory lane is, I understand it’s necessary to unpack what went wrong with my marriage. It just leaves me feeling nauseous afterwards. I’m determined to do the exact opposite with Selah and that’s worth the discomfort.

“Good girl. Now, let me take care of you.”

“I understand why love feels like a threat to the life you’ve worked so hard to create for yourself, but it doesn’t have to be.

It’s impossible to be whole when you don’t even know who you were before them.

Sometimes, I wonder what being loved by him feels like,

I don’t need anybody, but when Greyson is present, I need him.

The most beautiful woman in the world is sleeping in my bed, on my chest, safe and sound. She’s exactly where she needs to be.

Her heart is safer if we keep things the way they are, but mine isn’t. I can’t be the only one feeling a greater pull between us, but I will be the first to acknowledge it. I plan to tell her sooner than later. She doesn’t have to say it back, I’ll gladly love her until she catches up.

Once she shared that she doesn’t have nightmares whenever she sleeps with me; I saw no reason for us to sleep separately,

I’ve been so worried about losing her, that I haven’t given much consideration to what I’d do if she’d stay.

If she feels anything for me or believes she someday could, I’ll take that. I’d shown her how things could be if she were mine and I meant it.

She loves me, she loves me not. What if she loves me?

I really like taking care of Selah and I’d love to do it for the rest of my life if she’d let me.

You’ve been a husband before. You’re meant to love and be loved. I’m not. I’ve never been handled with care. I’m not meant to be a girlfriend. I’m nobody’s wife. I’m nobody’s fiancé. I’m nothing but a fucking flight risk.

He’s all about his business, friends, and Clifford, but he met you and made room.

What I want you to understand is that you can have it all whenever you stop standing in your own damn way. You’re in your own way, Selah. Look at everything you’ve built for yourself. Greyson doesn’t want to take anything away from you. He wants to give you more.”

“Whether you love him or not, don’t leave that boy in the wind. It isn’t right.

You gotta get out of your own way, girl. Greyson will hear you out, but the ‘L word’ you’re so afraid of will cost you something you don’t want to lose.”

Overall, I’d like to make sure that I am able to love her in every way she needs it and properly. That’s why I’m here.

My house is empty without her laughter filling it.

after knowing what it’s like to love her, I’ll never be the same.

If I can have her for another day, I’ll never leave her side.

At least when I shared a bed with Greyson, I didn’t have any. He protected me, even when he hadn’t known about them.

I said out loud that I love him and I felt a weight lifted off my chest.

He opened his heart to me and I abandoned him.

The goal of the Fuck It List was to abandon my comfort zone and see what was out there. The woman I’ve worked so hard to become after I left is a result of that experiment. A piece of fucking paper and some goals I wrote down.

That very love I fear from a romantic partner I’ve accepted platonically.

It’ll be bittersweet to get a taste of what it’s like to have him in that way, knowing it’s likely that I won’t.

oh baby the delulu bug bit you so hard 😭

I squeeze Selah’s hand as we sit through the rest of the ceremony and for today, I embrace this fantasy. I can imagine what it’d be like to stand before our loved ones and for her to say yes to me. If only for today, I’ll cherish it.

Greyson has become a significant part of my life in so little time, and it’s agonizing that he’s unaware. He’s unaware of how much I miss his smile and laugh. Or the warmth of his hand. He’s unaware that he sends my anxiety running with its tail between its legs as if there’s no room for that when he’s present. He’s unaware that my insecurities melt away underneath his gaze. He’s unaware that when he’s in a room with me, no one else exists. My life without Grey is lackluster, and he doesn’t even know it.

I never needed more supporting evidence. It’s evident in every action, touch, and word that he expresses. Greyson cherishes me. Simply knowing him has sent me to unknown heights. He loves me in ways I never thought possible. This love isn’t constricting or stifling. Nor have I had to alter myself to appease him.

I wasn’t prepared for you. I didn’t even get a warning. You actually didn’t knock on my door at all. You used a battering ram and brought donuts,”

“To know what’s going on inside your head is a gift, an honor that I don’t take lightly,”