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As owner of Willow Haven, I delegated work-related calls to colleagues. Avoidance and routine were my comforts.
I reflected on the unexpected interaction with the blonde next door. Playing piano for Lark had been…pleasant. Mostly. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had a conversation with a stranger unrelated to work. Especially one I enjoyed.
What was I saying? Lonely as I was, dating was still a nightmare. I was barely able to speak to women. Connection was elusive and always came slowly for me, which resulted in frustrating dates that went nowhere. I moved at a different pace than most people. Even the dates who insisted they wanted to take things slow still expected a kiss good night. I’d tried to force myself more than once, and it backfired when I’d offended them with a dry peck on the lips. Romance is about feeling desired, and I couldn’t bring myself to fake that.
That shouldn’t be so hard. Dating had never been my forte, but I desperately needed the practice.
“Sorry. It’s a traffic jam in my brain. I know where to go, how to get there, but I get stuck on the way sometimes. Especially if I’m feeling uncomfortable or stressed.”
Undertaking is a calling; I couldn’t imagine doing anything else. Family legacy aside, it was rewarding to offer a small measure of comfort and closure to the grieving.
“Remember, I move corpses all the time, and cremation gets rid of any evidence.”
Smart women don’t go to bed with their neighbors. Not that I planned on sleeping with anyone, but a reminder felt pertinent.
I’d made a promise to Reese as we put him in the ground, and I wouldn’t let him down again. This wasn’t only about risking my own heart; it was about protecting someone else’s.
“When I was growing up, I thought something was wrong with me. All the other lads thought of sex constantly and I…couldn’t relate. I know when a woman is b-b-beautiful.” His eyes met mine. “But I don’t fancy them or have the urge to take them home.”
“Had my testosterone levels checked to make sure it wasn’t hormonal. It’s just…rare to feel desire.”
Callum laughed without mirth. “It’s always ‘meh’ in the beginning. Attraction might happen after I know a woman well. Sometimes I develop feelings, after a long while. But pair it with a phobia of meeting people and you’ll see why it’s a struggle.”
I wish I could skip to the part where I’m already happily married.” “And miss all the moments that send the butterflies loose in your stomach? No way. First date, first kiss, first slow dance. The falling matters, too. Not just the ever after.”
Lark had been excited upon finding a resource for people on the asexual and aromantic spectrum, but I remained skeptical. Because of the time constraints, we were upfront about my job.
My feelings had sped past platonic, careening dangerously toward something deeper before I’d even noticed. I jerked my hand away and buried it in my pocket the rest of the afternoon.
What I would endure personally and what I would tolerate on behalf of others were two different things.
