You're Not My King! (Extra! Extraterrestrial #1)

by Eryn Hawk

“Okay, so lemme recap.” I twirled a finger in a rewind motion. “I failed all your weird tests for fuck knows what, and after half a day of debate, you guys have decided I wouldn’t be a good fit for planet Fuck You—which, unsurprisingly, is a pleasure planet, but that’s not important. And since going back to Earth is obviously not in the cards, I’m being transported to a place called You Suck—and honestly, that name feels like a personal attack—to live among fucking lizard people.” I heaved in a deep breath, my voice an octave higher when I finally added, “Did I get all that right?”

I’d never cared for my looks, it was never important, but it had to be a new low that I was too fugly to be a sex slave.

“Are you telling me that I’m actually going to be sent to market like a fucking pig?” “Of course not,” he droned without skipping a beat. “Pigs are useful creatures.”

They all had patches of grass outside—for planting, I assumed—and the roofs and window holes were decorated with an assortment of flowers and tiny animal skulls. Slightly morbid, but they were clearly well-loved, and part of the lee-zurd culture, so I had no right to comment on it.

Look, Ma, I’m in a cult.

“Yes, I have. Had sex, I mean. So, there’s no need for the gape oil. Thanks.”

We were like a couple of penguins, and I briefly imagined him scouring the beach to find me the prettiest pebble for our anniversary. It cheered me up some.

Voh-ack raised his chin, beaming smugly like a pompous asshole, and I swore, if he preened any more, his muscles were gonna pop.

The root was much thicker than the rest—which was concerning for my butthole—and

Never had I attempted to board the monster-fucker train, or fantasized about alien cock or tentacles and the like, but the main lesson I’d learned in the last thirty days was to never say never. And honestly, yee-haw for alien abduction ’cause jerking and sucking on lee-zurd popsicle was fucking fire.

He was mine. In every sense of the word. Mine to take, mine to mark, mine to possess. Mine to protect. I held him tighter, my thudding heart drowning out the soft hum of his snores. Mine to cherish.

What surprised me most was that no one seemed particularly resentful—like working was a chore and they’d rather be anywhere else. On Earth, it would have been an entirely different story. There would be someone having a full-blown meltdown in the break room, another bitching about the team-building exercise booked outside work hours, and one more Googling the best sites to sell worn boxers and become a millionaire. It was tough going, but somehow, I’d managed to perform all three of those roles in my last place. Beefy Buns owes me a promotion.

I was great at running from my problems and giving head, but that only benefited the role I was protesting about.

Who’d have guessed that aliens were so eco-friendly? But of course they were. Only humans got a kick out of ruining their planet.

I was trapped, and my dumb ass was the only one to blame. Not a brain cell to be found here, Your Honor.

he would be as much use to me as a marzipan dildo right now.

I would know everything about him. And treasure every part.

“Your pet name for me is cockroach? Are you kidding me?” I screeched, shoving once at his solid, unmovable, dumb chest. “You asshole. I came to say thank you and be all nicey-nice, but you’ve been over here, swinging your dick and mocking me this whole time?!” I jabbed a finger into his pec. “Fuck you, and fuck your smug, perfect face. I’m out.”

deciding on the spot that I was never leaving my nest again unless it was to run the hell away from here. Being outside sucked.

At the back of the group was a brick shithouse of a dude, as broad as he was tall, with one arm and an eyepatch. He scanned the camp, expression cold, yet once he spotted Vo’ak, he made a beeline for him, using the spear in his hand as a walking stick.

I was pretty sure Vo’ak even stuck his tongue out at one point, and that, friends and neighbors, was the leader of an entire fucking planet right there.

I definitely wasn’t gonna be admitting my severe lack of skills now. Oh, you design buildings and shit? Pft, well, I can crochet a mean cardigan, how’s about that?

In my head, I could argue, quite adamantly, that appeasing my owner and receiving pleasure was totally fine. I mean, my main issue was that I didn’t want anything to hinder my chances of going home, but a little bit of mutual pleasure didn’t have to complicate my escape plans. I could have sex without getting attached, surely. It was just sex, and it was pretty darn self-destructive to deny myself that simple comfort while I was biding my time.

Funny how this dude could barely string a regular sentence together, but sex talk? No problemo. Ten out of ten. Couldn’t argue with his priorities.

The Stockholm be Stockholming.

Vo’ak had refused to be separated from me that long. Apparently, his instincts would’ve demanded he hunt me down, make sure I was safe, and mount me in the middle of the forest, so that was that. Low-key filing that away for future reference, though.

Of course, Vo’ak, the horny bastard, had seen my watch duties as the perfect opportunity to try and entice me into bookshelf sex, workbench sex, and just… sex everywhere in the hut. He was like a dog with a new toy, but in this case, it was a new place to fuck. I’d refused, obviously. I couldn’t disrespect Fiona’s place of work like that. I had some class. He ate my ass as I was bent over her bathtub instead.

There was no way in hell I was surviving an abusive ex, crippling addiction, and alien abduction just to end up in the jaws of a fucking chocolate-factory reject. Nope. Not today, Satan.

He could rest, but he couldn’t die. He can’t.

I wasn’t a hunter or a gatherer. I was a food delivery services or instant ramen kinda guy.

There was one thing I hated more than vegetables, feet, and doing anything that took effort, and that was being told what to do outside of the bedroom. Fuck. That.

I’d had enough excitement for one day, expelled enough energy for a lifetime, and the more I calmed down, the quicker I was realizing that I’d maybe, slightly overreacted. My brain had a habit of that. But why should Vo’ak be let off so easily? He should be given the chance to grovel, to explain, and be told, in no uncertain terms, that if he ever tried to shut me down again, I would cut off his… fingers. Not his dick. That shit was way too important.

Fury rose up from my gut. If only I had a weapon and an ounce of skill to use it… I’d probably have waved it around and made a dick of myself, but the thought counted.

I barely had time to gasp and curse my fucking luck before a sack was dragged over my head and the beautiful glade turned black. Abducted by aliens twice in one lifetime? Fuck me. I’d just wanted five minutes of peace.

“I’ll try to get us both outta here.” “Promise?” Fuck, why had I said that? I couldn’t escape a paper bag if it was pulled over my head, never mind a psycho alien chief with a shit-ton of armed guards and oversized rat hitmen.

Didn’t mean I wasn’t gonna be a shit though. Gotta get my kicks from somewhere.

letting Cesare get so far into his despair that he couldn’t be rescued from it. He lay there on that bed as if surrendering to his fate, and that was not happening tonight.