Released: Conversations on the Eve of Freedom

by Gypsy-Rose Blanchard

Gypsy is released from jail, now a grown-up who is married and walking on her own two feet,

I have had nothing but time to reflect on the choices that have led me to where I am today, moreover of how your own actions formed the circumstances around mine.

I hadn’t thought of Nick as a victim before taking this class. While he made the conscious choice to kill my mother, and do so violently, he did lose his freedom and therefore his life because I was a catalyst.

I will be focused on finding my words, so I can share with you my story, the real story, the whole story. Writing a memoir wasn’t my idea; it was y’alls.

I don’t know if any of you keep a diary. But if you do, and you’ve ever read back entries from a while ago, you’ll know that sometimes reading back your thoughts, especially from a younger age, can be cringey. But it’s that cringe that gets you to the good. I feel like if you recognize it as cringe, it’s a pretty strong indication you are healing or growing or both.

Grabbing the hand of her mother to cross a busy intersection, a child does not ever think she might be flung in front of a bus.

You just can’t struggle or succeed alone. We are wired not to. My wiring had been haywire for so long,

According to Laura, my mother put Roundup [a toxic chemical fertilizer] in her food. And what’s really interesting is that my mother and Laura, and my stepmother, Kristy,2 all were nurse’s aides at the same hospital and actually all worked together.

I really only care about what the people who love me think and believe. With them, I try to earn trust through action.

My mom and dad met at a bowling alley when my dad was just seventeen, and mom, twenty-four.

Parents out there: if bribing your child with new baby dolls or Tiny Tykes starts losing effectiveness, you could always try telling your child that you are a powerful witch.

I’m very much an action person. I used to take people at their word, and their word would wind up empty.

The conversations don’t last very long, but they always end with, “You know, you could’ve told us, instead of reaching out to men on Facebook, and you didn’t.”

I think what I really mean to ask for is the strength to put my faith in myself, in my abilities—to trust that I can become a better version of myself.

Am I even an actual person, or am I just a character?

I was not consulted or compensated for a show that made actor Joey King a household name.

You know they made a dramatized movie about my dad, right?1 Lifetime did one called the Happy Face Killer, and guess who plays my dad? David Arquette.

I could continue to cope with the exposure and not feel ashamed because I understand that, yes, I did something wrong, but I also understand that surviving is unique and something positive.

I didn’t dream of things like going on American Idol or landing a big feature role playing another person, like Joey King did.

“There are eight personalities in my head and seven of them don’t like you.” It’s a tough one to unhear.

According to the penal system, I don’t qualify for therapy. I’m too “well.” For a person who was always told she wasn’t ever well, this makes me laugh out loud.

Narcissists prey on insecure people. Validation and love become mechanisms for control, and later, as with most childhood grooming, validation- and love-seeking patterns learned from childhood seep into adult relationships, and not just romantic ones.

I think when you are secure with who you are, know your identity, it feeds into your self-worth, but I also think the reverse is true.

When I was sixteen or so, I thought girls were pretty, so that confused me, so I thought, Am I gay? There’s a saying here, “Gay for the stay, straight from the gate,” so when in Rome . . . I did kiss a couple girls and became a pillow princess, four times.

You don’t have to go beyond your mind to grow and develop self-worth; to form a secure identity. Like a flower, I can bloom where I stand.

Back when I was twenty, the only way I would feel good about myself was by taking my clothes off online for these perverts (I have very nice boobs).

😩

I have done so many horrible and sinful and harmful things to myself and others that I am the least judgmental person on Earth.

None of us will ever find a purpose by desperately seeking self-worth.

Don’t take to the internet as a personal diary, like I did when I was younger. Your purpose and meaning are not in the likes or the numerous requests to be a foot fetish model, or being told by strangers you’re beautiful. Stop right now!

Of all the doozies my mother said, this one is the dooziest: Gypsy shall never find happiness; she shall never be free.

Trust and Betrayal, Family and Friends, Faith and God, Becoming a Public Figure, and Self-Worth and Identity—these things became headwinds along the path I was running out of courage to walk.

My words have teeth sometimes.

I want to learn to live my life the way my mother didn’t know how to.