Released: Conversations on the Eve of Freedom

by Gypsy-Rose Blanchard

For anyone who has ever lost hope. This book is for you.

(Hulu’s The Act, Lifetime’s Love You to Death, HBO’s Mommy Dead and Dearest) and in genre books (the novel Darling Rose Gold).

Fear, manipulation, and isolation were all I knew of your kind of “love,” and the lingering question of why I was unable to be allowed the one thing that everyone else seemed to have—the ability of free will.

I will always love you for bringing me into this world, and will remember you with love for the woman I know was a good person behind the mental disorder.

I hadn’t thought of Nick as a victim before taking this class. While he made the conscious choice to kill my mother, and do so violently, he did lose his freedom and therefore his life because I was a catalyst.

I don’t know if any of you keep a diary. But if you do, and you’ve ever read back entries from a while ago, you’ll know that sometimes reading back your thoughts, especially from a younger age, can be cringey. But it’s that cringe that gets you to the good. I feel like if you recognize it as cringe, it’s a pretty strong indication you are healing or growing or both. Let’s just say, I’ve cringed as hard as a summer rain in the Deep South.

I’d like to think of this endeavor as a rewrite of a misinformed story you’ve been told, like the Taylor’s Version rerecordings. I’m no Taylor Swift, but if this ebook were an album, I’d title it Gypsy’s Version—the only version that should be told—raw, revealing, and in rhythm with the real me.

Gypsy October 2, 2023 One of our assignments in ICVC was to illustrate what our crime looked like and the impact it had on the victims. This is a picture of my Habitat for Humanity house, in a frame; the frame is cracked. In the shards of glass are all the people who were affected by my crime—who found out that the people they loved and cared for were all a façade. And it was me using a hammer to break the picture they had in their minds. On the hammer I have Nick’s name, seeing him as a tool for doing this. Taking accountability, not hiding excuses, this is what I did—why I did it didn’t matter.

When I was first arrested and in county jail for about a year, I had to let it sink in that the one person I did know how to trust had betrayed my trust for my whole life.

Love is patient and kind, not submissive or controlling. I don’t recall the Bible saying love is deviant and humiliating, but at the time, I mistook these behaviors as attention, and any attention at all made me feel seen and beautiful.

The spell my mother said she was conjuring with that cow’s tongue had two intentions: to cleanse my sinful soul, and to cast upon me a lifelong curse. Gypsy shall never find happiness; she shall never be free.

My List of What It Takes to Master the Act of Friending Listen closely and attentively. Be a vault: confidentiality in friendship is very important and sacred to me. Lots of laughter required. Have genuine care and concern for your friend’s well-being and happiness. Tell the truth, even if the truth is hard and will hurt. Don’t judge, ever. Always be a safe zone. Prove your trust. Don’t breach theirs. Notice your friends. Be aware of their moods, body language, read the room, and be empathetic. Don’t be passive-aggressive. When you are not too happy with a friend, talk it through. No “Bless Your Hearts” allowed. Have things in common, but also complement each other and teach each other your interests. Friendship, like love, is not jealous.

had a permanent feeding tube that was attached to my abdomen. Unlike the portrayal in The Act, my mother never blended real food and fed it to me through the tube. My feeding tube was used strictly to administer me water, liquid nutrition supplements, and medications. When I got to County Jail, I weighed ninety-two pounds, due to a daily menu of PediaSure and other electrolyte drinks.

Faith is having a feeling that you are safe. And that what is making you safe has the power to see you through anything. It’s kind of like you are in the palm of God’s hand. You can go through a hurricane, you can go through a tornado—any kind of storm—but God has you in the palm of his hand and he won’t let anything happen to you. You are safe. That is faith to me. I feel like I have been put through a lot of storms, and yet I am still not broken. I am not a broken person. I am worthy of being loved; I never had that self-worth before. I am not damaged; I am safe.

Melissa: You didn’t say before if you’ve forgiven yourself. Have you? Gypsy: I’m still working on it.

I consider myself a work of art in progress. I have the vision for the final masterpiece, but I’m only a few brushstrokes in. Having faith in the bigger picture, that the full work will ultimately form in the public eye, is how I try to keep the faith in myself. It’s going to take time.

My medical history was not a red flag. It was a goddamn red banner that reads, HOW DID YOU NOT KNOW?

Narcissists prey on insecure people.

Being a people-pleaser requires you to submit a part of yourself to the person you aim to please. You give up your own needs and desires, and put the person’s interests in front of your own. In return you expect a payment in the form of validation and acceptance. This kind of currency is dangerous because the cost is you.

Gypsy: I want what my mother didn’t have, which is what I think made her the way she was. I want a stable and loving family. I want an adoring, faithful, present husband. I want a successful career as an advocate, to make real change and impact, and to live with purpose. I want to help others, especially helpless children, even if I never meet them. I want healthy and happy children of my own, and friends who have my back and who turn to me when they need a hug or a compassionate ear because they believe they can rely on me. I want to be self-assured, confident, and constantly learning. I want to make people laugh and feel joy. I want to try to give back to the people and organizations that were hurt by my mother and me. I want God’s plan for me to reveal itself and for God to bless Ryan and me forever. I want God to forgive me and take care of my mother in heaven. I want to make my mother’s life mean something. I want to learn to live my life the way my mother didn’t know how to. I want the happily ever after. I want to be released.