Released: Conversations on the Eve of Freedom

by Gypsy-Rose Blanchard

There is not a single day that you go unremembered, and I will carry this regret and remorse for the rest of my life. I will always love you for bringing me into this world, and will remember you with love for the woman I know was a good person behind the mental disorder.

While writing it, I remembered all the people in our lives—my mother’s siblings, our neighbors who loved and cared for us, and Nick. All people who were either by blood or by choice taken in by my mother’s disease and the con act that hurt so many. I hadn’t thought of Nick as a victim before taking this class. While he made the conscious choice to kill my mother, and do so violently, he did lose his freedom and therefore his life because I was a catalyst.

I don’t know if any of you keep a diary. But if you do, and you’ve ever read back entries from a while ago, you’ll know that sometimes reading back your thoughts, especially from a younger age, can be cringey. But it’s that cringe that gets you to the good. I feel like if you recognize it as cringe, it’s a pretty strong indication you are healing or growing or both.

Faith is having a feeling that you are safe. And that what is making you safe has the power to see you through anything. It’s kind of like you are in the palm of God’s hand. You can go through a hurricane, you can go through a tornado—any kind of storm—but God has you in the palm of his hand and he won’t let anything happen to you. You are safe. That is faith to me. I feel like I have been put through a lot of storms, and yet I am still not broken. I am not a broken person. I am worthy of being loved; I never had that self-worth before. I am not damaged; I am safe.

I just remember seeing Joey glammed out on the red carpet, the stark contrast of our lives casting a dark shadow over me. Here I was in my prison cell wearing my prison uniform, eating my disgusting prison food, while Hollywood celebrated itself. All I could think was, This girl tried to play me, and I had no control over it.

When I was surfing the internet, I was a butterfly. Nick wanted this butterfly to be his girlfriend, and it was the first time I experienced the feeling of pride. Someone wanted me for me—this was tasty bait for the insatiable narcissist. I wanted love and attention that had nothing to do with pity, so I made the videos he requested and directed.

In order to be accepted and loved, I needed to meet the expectations of others.

Being a people-pleaser requires you to submit a part of yourself to the person you aim to please. You give up your own needs and desires, and put the person’s interests in front of your own. In return you expect a payment in the form of validation and acceptance. This kind of currency is dangerous because the cost is you. After a while, you begin to be able to predict what people want to hear, so you begin to say things you don’t mean. Positive reinforcement to your people-pleasing teaches you real quick how you should act.

You don’t have to go beyond your mind to grow and develop self-worth; to form a secure identity. Like a flower, I can bloom where I stand.