She talked about the pear tree blossoms, about kissing Johnny Taylor over Nanny’s gate, about being forced to marry old Mr. Killicks, about running away with Jody and then Tea Cake, about experiencing and burying soul-crawling love. Like Janie, I didn’t want to meditate on the horizon; I wanted to conquer it, wrap it around me like a shawl. Like Janie, I wanted to be fully known, and I had finally told my story to someone I deeply felt for.
I’ve worked hard for a lot of things in my life. A lot of that is gone but I worked for those things. When I had a crush on the only person I have known that I could have fallen in love with, I was still fighting the ptsd, but I fought it and i accomplished more than I ever thought I could at that time and in the years after until after law school when I didn’t get a job and I’m still trying to stop the people stalking me so that I can get a job. But if I ever feel that way again,—I’m glad that ptsd won’t make me take time to deal with it like I chose to rather than pursue him and possibly make his life more complicated, or by then there won’t be stalkers, it won’t be insecurity about being so bipolar that no one would deal with me.
