To Catch a Firefly

by Emmy Sanders

“How do you catch a firefly?” I ask my mom.

But the corn… There’s a long, warped path carved into the field that starts not 300 paces from where Lucky was standing. I’ve never been more afraid that, one way or another, I’m going to lose my friend.

But whatever this feeling is he’s chasing, it’s bigger than me, bigger than this place, bigger than anything I know. What I have to offer won’t ever be enough for my free-spirited friend.

Taking a step forward, I tip Lucky’s chin. His eyes catch mine and his lips pop open, and when I lean down to press my mouth to his, his fingertips dig into my arm. Not pushing, though, holding. I’ve never kissed before, either, but Lucky deserves a first with someone who loves him. At least I can give him that.

“If you ever decide to love someone,” he says slowly, “they’ll be very lucky.” He already is.

“But we’re not done,” he says vehemently, stepping into my space. “We’ll never be done. Me and you, we don’t have an ending.”

“Not everyone is going to understand you, Ellis. But it’s not your job to make them.”

I was ten years old when I met Lucky. I knew it then, and I know it now. He’s a firefly. Luminous and wild. He was never meant to be trapped. Not here and not with me. And in a few days, I’ll finally watch him fly away.

I think it was at thirteen that I first felt my heart beat for you. And break, just a little. Because I knew, like that tornado, you’d leave destruction in your path, and I’d be your willing victim. I’d do it again. I love you, my brilliant firefly.

“And high above, the moon sits round, and we, in its light. Waxing, waning, never gone. A gift to see the night.”

“He’s your anchor,” Danil says quietly. “No,” I whisper, my eyes lifting to the full moon. “He doesn’t fight the tide. He controls it.”

But what makes one person look at another and think yes, this one. I want this one? What makes their heart beat faster? What makes their body react?

Finally, I say, “When you’re…gone, you… You share your life. With me. Your adventures and… And your joy.” I set my gaze on the corn as I go on. “It means the world to me, Luck. To be a part of that. I… Please don’t stop just…just because I was…” Scared, I can’t say. I can’t. I let out a small breath before continuing. “I don’t ever want to lose…the place I have in your world.”

“Have you ever wanted someone so much,” I say slowly, “that it feels like your atoms are vibrating when you’re away from them? Like you’re half of a whole, and your body knows it. And until you’re in their arms again, every single piece of you is straining toward them because…because they’re your home. They’re part of you. Your beginning and your never-ending. How? How do I move on from that?”

It never ceases to amaze me how the storms can leave such destruction and yet never look back.

No hiding from the person who owns me, body and soul.

“Would you”—a groan as I swirl my thumb over his crown—“come here? I need… God, I need to know you’re real. That this is real.”

It’s us, El. Me and you. For always.

With the moon lending its soft glow through the window, Lucky falls asleep. And I learn what it is to cradle a firefly in my palms.

“What is it?” I ask. The softness in his gaze floors me, as does his answer. “Looking.” “You’ve seen me a million times,” I point out, heart pounding. His expression manages to convey how much of an idiot I am, while also weakening my knees. “Never enough.” Fucking hell. “I’m going to kiss you now,” I inform him. “Sweaty.” “Don’t care.”

“Not weird. It’s you.”

I’m scared, Luck, but I love you more than anything. I love you, I love you, so please, my beautiful firefly, fly back to me soon. Come back, that’s all I ask. Keep coming back to me.

“This is real, El. Me and you, it’s real.”

We’re friends, yes. Always. But we’re more than that, too. Lucky is… He’s my everything.

“Beautiful,” I tell him, cupping his cheek. His eyes feather closed, breath leaving him on a sigh. “Yours,” he adds.

It’s knowing no matter how much more time passes, this is my person, and I am his, and we’re bound together by fate or choice or, hell, corn for all I know.

You are my world, Luck. And even when all goes dark, I will look for you. I will find you, blinking for me in the endless night, and I will be with you always. My brilliant firefly. My love. My Luck. Forever, I’ll be waiting.

“Love is big. Important. I think…people could love most anybody…if they only opened their hearts to it.”

I caught a firefly.