To Catch a Firefly

by Emmy Sanders

I want my life to be…remarkable, El.”

I’ll show him; that’s what I’ll do. I’ll show Lucky there’s adventure to be had right here. That he can have his remarkable life.

I’ve never been more afraid that, one way or another, I’m going to lose my friend.

words, for me, have never been easy. They don’t always come out right, as if having to wade through a bog from my brain to my mouth, and it’s exhausting having to constantly make that journey. People don’t often like to wait for me to get it right, and I’ve learned it’s easier to stay quiet.

I’ve never kissed before, either, but Lucky deserves a first with someone who loves him. At least I can give him that.

“If you ever decide to love someone,” he says slowly, “they’ll be very lucky.” He already is.

“But we’re not done,” he says vehemently, stepping into my space. “We’ll never be done. Me and you, we don’t have an ending.”

“Not everyone is going to understand you, Ellis. But it’s not your job to make them.”

Lucky has always heard me. From the very first time we met, he’s heard me. He knows me, unlike any other.

I was ten years old when I met Lucky. I knew it then, and I know it now. He’s a firefly. Luminous and wild. He was never meant to be trapped. Not here and not with me. And in a few days, I’ll finally watch him fly away.

I think it was at thirteen that I first felt my heart beat for you. And break, just a little. Because I knew, like that tornado, you’d leave destruction in your path, and I’d be your willing victim. I’d do it again.

“Then there was Ellis, and he made me feel like everything was going to be okay. I was safe, and I had someone who was just mine, and…and he was always there for me. Even still, he’s always there for me.”

“He’s your anchor,” Danil says quietly. “No,” I whisper, my eyes lifting to the full moon. “He doesn’t fight the tide. He controls it.”

Except if neither of us are what we once were, what does that make us?

Finally, I say, “When you’re…gone, you… You share your life. With me. Your adventures and… And your joy.” I set my gaze on the corn as I go on. “It means the world to me, Luck. To be a part of that. I… Please don’t stop just…just because I was…” Scared, I can’t say. I can’t. I let out a small breath before continuing. “I don’t ever want to lose…the place I have in your world.”

No dum dum it’s you. The “oblivious” trope is worse than the miscommunication trope for me but I eat it up every time

I didn’t understand then what I was feeling, but I knew, in a way I hadn’t before, that I wanted to follow you. I wanted to go with you. It would have been worth it just to be near.

“Have you ever wanted someone so much,” I say slowly, “that it feels like your atoms are vibrating when you’re away from them? Like you’re half of a whole, and your body knows it. And until you’re in their arms again, every single piece of you is straining toward them because…because they’re your home. They’re part of you. Your beginning and your never-ending. How? How do I move on from that?”

I feel like an idiot that it took me this long to see it. But I’m not about to waste any more time away from the one person who has always felt like my port. The person I return to, time and time again. The one I come home to. Because he is. Ellis is home to me.

He’s always been wild, my firefly, no matter where he is.

It’s not lost on me that I’m finally touching the only person who’s ever played a starring role in my fantasies. My dreams have nothing on reality.

It’s us, El. Me and you. For always. But it’s also something more. Something that has yet to settle into the dirt. A seed, so full of possibilities it’s blinding, yet fragile and new, not yet sowed into the earth. It could still fly away, that seed, taken by the wind before it has a chance to grow. I want to believe that won’t be us. That after all we’ve been through to get to this point, nothing will take Lucky from me. But how do I keep him? How do I hold onto a creature that’s meant to fly?

“This is real, El. Me and you, it’s real.”

With the moon lending its soft glow through the window, Lucky falls asleep. And I learn what it is to cradle a firefly in my palms.

I could do nothing but kiss Lucky until the end of time, and I would be content. I’d swirl with him in the sky until we were one, binary stars gravitationally bound to one another.

I realize there’s nothing to fear when it comes to us. Adventure can call. Time can, too. But neither will take Lucky from me. He’s already written himself into my heart.

I have more pictures of you in my head than anything or anyone else.”

“Do you want to know what the most remarkable thing in my life is?” He doesn’t say a word. “El,” I rasp. “It’s you.”

“You say I’m your firefly?” I nod. Yes. “Well you’re my goddamn moon, Ellis. You call, I come.”

Love moves mountains.

“Me and you, El,” I whisper against his lips. “It’ll always be me and you.”