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Why they care about his sexuality in the first place is beyond me.
I don’t have golden curls like Lucky that seem to glow in the low evening sun. Nor his bright, piercing eyes.
Lucky looks free as he stands outstretched beneath the water, and it hits me that I can’t compete with that. I can drag Lucky all over Nebraska or even further, show him the wonders in his own backyard. But whatever this feeling is he’s chasing, it’s bigger than me, bigger than this place, bigger than anything I know. What I have to offer won’t ever be enough for my free-spirited friend. The realization hurts more than it reasonably should.
I’ve never kissed before, either, but Lucky deserves a first with someone who loves him. At least I can give him that.
“If you ever decide to love someone,” he says slowly, “they’ll be very lucky.” He already is.
“But we’re not done,” he says vehemently, stepping into my space. “We’ll never be done. Me and you, we don’t have an ending.”
I was ten years old when I met Lucky. I knew it then, and I know it now. He’s a firefly. Luminous and wild. He was never meant to be trapped. Not here and not with me. And in a few days, I’ll finally watch him fly away.
I think it was at thirteen that I first felt my heart beat for you. And break, just a little. Because I knew, like that tornado, you’d leave destruction in your path, and I’d be your willing victim.
I love you, my brilliant firefly.
“He’s your anchor,” Danil says quietly. “No,” I whisper, my eyes lifting to the full moon. “He doesn’t fight the tide. He controls it.”
But what makes one person look at another and think yes, this one. I want this one? What makes their heart beat faster? What makes their body react? Is it our atoms, working on a level we’ll never understand? Is it fate or kismet or something out there pulling threads together? Or is it simpler than all that? Is it our humanity, our need for connection and closeness with others?
We hold onto the memories from our past, don’t we? We cling to the pieces that made the whole of us, good or bad. Because if we don’t…if we don’t keep them close…we might lose that part of who we are.
How would I explain my heart doesn’t know how to beat for anyone but him?
“Is…is that your Ellis?” He sounds absolutely incredulous, and I spare him a glance. “Yeah, that’s him. Why?” And why is my heart beating so damn hard? Danil looks at me in shock. “You never told me the man is a goddamn lumberjack-me-off-please. I mean, fucking hell, Lucky, he could swallow me whole.” He adds a whispered, “If I were so lucky.”
Lol
“You asked me recently why I don’t date,” he goes on. “I’m fairly positive I’m aromantic. I’ve never wanted that sort of relationship with another person, and I don’t know that I ever will. Sex, on the other hand, I enjoy very much.”
Loveeeeee the reprsentation in here
“I don’t ever want to lose…the place I have in your world.”
was seventeen when I kissed you at Smith Falls. I didn’t understand then what I was feeling, but I knew, in a way I hadn’t before, that I wanted to follow you. I wanted to go with you. It would have been worth it just to be near. Me and you, we could take on anything.
“Have you ever wanted someone so much,” I say slowly, “that it feels like your atoms are vibrating when you’re away from them? Like you’re half of a whole, and your body knows it. And until you’re in their arms again, every single piece of you is straining toward them because…because they’re your home. They’re part of you. Your beginning and your never-ending. How? How do I move on from that?”
Ellis is home to me.
He’s not just a crush. He never was. He’s the man no one else has ever measured up to.
“All the life in you,” he says simply. “That’s what I see.”
“If the answer is anything but ravaging the love of your life, I won’t accept it.”
Lmao
It never ceases to amaze me how the storms can leave such destruction and yet never look back.
There’s no room for bashfulness. No hiding from the person who owns me, body and soul. I’m his for the taking, always have been.
“This is real, El. Me and you, it’s real.”
We’re friends, yes. Always. But we’re more than that, too. Lucky is… He’s my everything.
Maybe that’s what makes love—all the moments, big and small. All the memories piled up one on top of the other, just like those Northern Lights that paint across the sky at the edge of the world. Maybe, when it comes down to it, love is in the act of living. It’s choosing—breathing—that person every single day. Me and you.
If I have you, I have everything I need.
No other person has held my heart the way you do. It’s been yours since the moment we met, I think. I held your heart that night in your dorm, too. I don’t know if you remember that.
…It was us against the world, Luck. The two of us, always. Me and you.
…In my weakest moments, I wish you’d stay.
…I love you, my brilliant firefly.
…I love you more than anything. I love you, I love you, so please, my beautiful firefly, fly back to me soon.
“Well you’re my goddamn moon, Ellis. You call, I come.”
love you, too. I have for years. I loved you then, and I love you now, and I won’t ever stop. I’m not capable of it. You’re it for me, El. You’re my big goddamn romance. And there’s nowhere else I’d rather be than here with you.”
“I love you, too, Ellis,” he whispers against my neck. “I’m so ridiculously in love with you, you’re going to get sick of hearing me say it.”
“But… Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I did it once, and I won’t ever do it again. I missed you every day I was gone. I wondered, more often than once, if I’d made a mistake. And every time I stayed away a little longer, it felt like I was losing my breath. Like I had less oxygen in my lungs. I was starved of it without you, El. You don’t make me feel trapped, okay? Never. You’re the air I breathe.”
“The doctors diagnosed him as autistic early on, but it wasn’t until later that they expressed concerns over his selective mutism and ongoing language delays.
What I’m getting at is my son isn’t broken.” Her voice is firm. “He doesn’t need to be fixed. He’s bright and kind and good. He’s smart and creative. He’s unfailingly loyal. And he’s happy with who he is, which is maybe most important of all. Many people hear the word autistic, and they think of easily recognizable traits. They think of tics. Outbursts. They think of obsessions with trains. They don’t see the shy kid who’s fascinated with color and glass. They don’t think of the girl with few friends who shows strong leadership skills. But the autism spectrum is as vast and varied as those
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I know, no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to explain to him the depth of what he makes me feel. How he means comfort and safety.
Blue is love. To me, it’s love. And that’s always been Lucky. “Love you,” I say, hoping the two words are enough.
“Promise we’ll still do this when we’re sixty or eighty or a hundred. I want a lifetime with you, El. Me and you. ’Til the end of time.”
It’s knowing no matter how much more time passes, this is my person, and I am his, and we’re bound together by fate or choice or, hell, corn for all I know.
I will love you for all of our days. I will cherish you the way you deserve. I will hold you every chance I get. And I will be closer than that any time you need it. I will treat you more carefully than glass. I will hug you before every flight. I will kiss you all the days we’re together. And I will think of you any day we are not. I don’t know what it is that makes attraction, but I know I bend toward you no matter where on this Earth you are.
if I am your moon, as you say I am, then I promise to always call you back home.
“Oh, get that look off your face,” he says, rolling his eyes. “This isn’t some declaration. I’m not coming in like Julia Roberts on your wedding day, all pick me, choose me, and I’m not going to quietly pine after you for years to come.
Lol
“Others…they might come and go,” he says slowly, gaze holding mine. “But I’ll always love you, Luck. Won’t ever stop.”
