To Catch a Firefly

by Emmy Sanders

When I come, it’s like a punch to my solar plexus, soul-consuming and comforting all at once. It’s that feeling of home I’ve only ever had with him. It’s the rumbling of mountains and the kiss of wind through the fields, and it’s love. God, is it love, wholly, pure, and absolute.

I won’t ever love another the way I love Ellis, and I don’t want to. He’s it. He’s always been it. And for the first time since we’ve known one another, I know, as I look into his brown eyes, that whatever piece of me is tethered to Ellis has a counterpoint. An equal pull.

I could do nothing but kiss Lucky until the end of time, and I would be content. I’d swirl with him in the sky until we were one, binary stars gravitationally bound to one another.

I’m scared, Luck, but I love you more than anything. I love you, I love you, so please, my beautiful firefly, fly back to me soon. Come back, that’s all I ask. Keep coming back to me.

“This is real, El. Me and you, it’s real.”

We’re friends, yes. Always. But we’re more than that, too. Lucky is… He’s my everything.

There’s a beat of silence, and then Ellis laughs. It’s the most perfect sound.

Maybe, when it comes down to it, love is in the act of living. It’s choosing—breathing—that person every single day.

When Ellis finally pulls back, his eyes catch mine. For just a moment, I can see the boy he used to be inside the man he is now. I can see the way he used to look at me—the way he still does. It’s not lust or even attraction that fuels that familiar expression. It’s…understanding. Comfort. A want that runs deep. It’s companionship. Love.

“You’re mine now,” I whisper. “I hope you know that.”

He catches my lips with his own, kissing me once, twice. “Always yours,” he says.

I realize there’s nothing to fear when it comes to us. Adventure can call. Time can, too. But neither will take Lucky from me. He’s already written himself into my heart.

“You say I’m your firefly?” I nod. Yes. “Well you’re my goddamn moon, Ellis. You call, I come.” “I… I never asked for that.” “You didn’t have to.”

“You had a secret,” he says. “So do I. Ready?” I can’t move, and Lucky’s eyes ping between my own. His voice, when he speaks, is quiet. “I love you, too. I have for years. I loved you then, and I love you now, and I won’t ever stop. I’m not capable of it. You’re it for me, El. You’re my big goddamn romance. And there’s nowhere else I’d rather be than here with you.”

“Love you,” I whisper against his lips. He lets out a small, happy laugh, looping his arms around my neck. “Again.” “I love you,” I tell him, pulling him up. His legs circle my waist, and I hold him to me. I hold him as tight as I dare. “I love you, too, Ellis,” he whispers against my neck. “I’m so ridiculously in love with you, you’re going to get sick of hearing me say it.”

“Beautiful,” I tell him, cupping his cheek. His eyes feather closed, breath leaving him on a sigh. “Yours,” he adds.

“But… Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I did it once, and I won’t ever do it again. I missed you every day I was gone. I wondered, more often than once, if I’d made a mistake. And every time I stayed away a little longer, it felt like I was losing my breath. Like I had less oxygen in my lungs. I was starved of it without you, El. You don’t make me feel trapped, okay? Never. You’re the air I breathe.”

I nod, leaning back enough to catch his eye. The blue is bright. Lucky-blue, I think I’ll call it. There’s no other name that’s enough.

His eyes are bright and on my person, looking at me as if I’m worth being his sole focus. As if, maybe, out of everywhere in this vast universe, there’s nowhere else he’d rather be than here with me.

He’s so lovely. So utterly gorgeous, and I know, no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to explain to him the depth of what he makes me feel. How he means comfort and safety. How I long for him with an intensity I don’t even fully understand. How he makes me brave and, at times, a little fierce, just like him. How, when we’re together, all I can see is blue.

He’s blue, and our story is washed in it. It’s waterfalls and a quick beating heart. It’s starlit skies and the feeling of home. It’s paint, splashed across the floor, a messy declaration of loyalty. It’s the look in his eyes, both familiar and exciting. It’s a million shades of relief and compassion, understanding and trust. It’s all the memories that bind us together. It’s cool and quenching, and it burns like nothing else. Blue is love. To me, it’s love. And that’s always been Lucky.

“Promise me something,” he says, turning his face. My lips brush his cheek. Anything. “Promise we’ll still do this when we’re sixty or eighty or a hundred. I want a lifetime with you, El. Me and you. ’Til the end of time.” I draw an X over Lucky’s heart. Promise.

On it, glimmering slightly from the glow of the candles and fireflies overhead, is a glass heart. An anatomical heart. I pick it up gently, the piece fitting perfectly in my palm. It’s blue, and something within the substance makes it glitter in the light. “Ellis,” I say, at a loss for words. “My heart,” he says simply. “It’s yours.”

When I look behind me, my breath stutters. “El?” He’s kneeling, too. But instead of being on two knees, he’s down on one, hands clasped in front of him. The expression on his face is one I’ve seen hundreds, if not thousands, of times before, and his lips quirk up a bit at one side, like he has a secret.

Earlier, he gave me his heart. This…this is his life he’s offering.

I scoot forward, hands on his cheeks, lips in front of his own. And I kiss him. It’s yes and of course and we’re going to be so happy, you just wait and see. It’s sixteen years of Hi. What’s your name? Mine’s Lucky. It’s knowing no matter how much more time passes, this is my person, and I am his, and we’re bound together by fate or choice or, hell, corn for all I know.

“Me and you, El,” I whisper against his lips. “It’ll always be me and you.” His mouth brushing mine is an agreement.

I curse under my breath, blinking rapidly to hold my tears at bay. My mom isn’t as successful. One slips down her cheek as she opens the box, removing the blue boutonniere from inside. She helps secure it to my suit jacket, patting my lapel afterward.

You are my world, Luck. And even when all goes dark, I will look for you. I will find you, blinking for me in the endless night, and I will be with you always. My brilliant firefly. My love. My Luck. Forever, I’ll be waiting.

But at the center of it all, waiting for me in front of a field of corn, is Ellis, holding up a sign with big, blocky letters. I clamp a hand over my mouth as I read it. Lucky Will you marry me?

My lips twist as Ellis smiles my way. Our guests are looking back now, waiting for me to step forward for our I dos. And Ellis waits at the end of the aisle, ready to accept my hand in his. In mere minutes, we’ll be Mr. and Mr. for the rest of our lives. But for just a moment, we’re sixteen again.

I was sixteen years old when I fell head over heels for Ellis Cole.

He’s standing out in front of the house, wearing a black tux and holding a sign level with his chest. Lucky Will you go to prom with me?

I think… Fuck, I think I might love him.

“If I ever get married,” I whisper, “I want it to be just like this.” He hums. A questioning sound. “Nothing fancy,” I explain. “Just me and the open air and the people…and person…I love.”

“Others…they might come and go,” he says slowly, gaze holding mine. “But I’ll always love you, Luck. Won’t ever stop.”

I draw my finger over the dirt near my leg, writing out the letter E. Next to it, I add L. Ellis plucks the flower from his tux, setting it on the ground below my scrawl. I do the same with mine. As we sit beside a sea of corn in our wrinkled, black tuxes, our declaration of love on the ground between us, I twist my fingers with his and make a promise. “I love you, too, El. Always.”

Luna I was six years old when I caught a firefly.

“Luna?” “In here,” I call, peeking out the window. Papa looks up at me, my baby brother on his hip.

“Good. Did Ellis stop by on his way through?” She nods. “Of course he did. Had a big smile on his face, too. Ten years today, can you believe it? Happy anniversary.” Papa looks like he has feelings, too.

“These curls,” she says, sounding happy. “Just like your father’s.” I look up at Papa. He’s smiling down at me. “I got his eyes, too,” I tell Grandma. “That’s what Daddy told me.”

He chuckles. It’s one of my favorite sounds. Daddy doesn’t say much, but his laughs always sound nice.

Before Daddy can turn off the lights, I look up at the fireflies. He told me once that they’re Papa. That Papa is bright and beautiful and he was born with wings, which is why he flies away every few months. I asked if that makes him sad, but Daddy said no. Because Papa always flies home to us.

“Look,” I whisper. “The fireflies are here.” Daddy stops walking, and for a minute, we all watch. “Can I catch one?” I ask. Papa and Daddy exchange a look. “You can try,” Papa says. “But be gentle if you do.”

“My turn,” Daddy says. He reaches for Papa, and Papa laughs as Daddy kisses him. It goes on for a while. Papa is smiling when he steps back. He smiles a lot at Daddy. I think that might be love.

Papa whispers. “I’m so lucky I get to share this life with you, Ellis. I love you. More than I can say.” “Love you always,” Daddy replies. “Yeah,” Papa says, voice full of feelings again. “Me and you, El. We don’t have an ending, do we?”