To Catch a Firefly

by Emmy Sanders

“If you ever decide to love someone,” he says slowly, “they’ll be very lucky.” He already is.

“But we’re not done,” he says vehemently, stepping into my space. “We’ll never be done. Me and you, we don’t have an ending.”

I was ten years old when I met Lucky. I knew it then, and I know it now. He’s a firefly. Luminous and wild. He was never meant to be trapped. Not here and not with me. And in a few days, I’ll finally watch him fly away.

I think it was at thirteen that I first felt my heart beat for you. And break, just a little. Because I knew, like that tornado, you’d leave destruction in your path, and I’d be your willing victim. I’d do it again. I love you, my brilliant firefly.

“Have you ever wanted someone so much,” I say slowly, “that it feels like your atoms are vibrating when you’re away from them? Like you’re half of a whole, and your body knows it. And until you’re in their arms again, every single piece of you is straining toward them because…because they’re your home. They’re part of you. Your beginning and your never-ending. How? How do I move on from that?”

“Riley, it’s Lucky Buchanan,” I yell. “I’m with Ellis Cole.”

Lucky’s irises are the lightest blue as he watches me, like arctic snow. For a moment, I’m reminded of a fox, with cream-colored fur and sharp, cat-like eyes. He’s always been wild, my firefly, no matter where he is. And I can see it now in those pale eyes, that spark of something adventurous and free.

It’s us, El. Me and you. For always. But it’s also something more. Something that has yet to settle into the dirt. A seed, so full of possibilities it’s blinding, yet fragile and new, not yet sowed into the earth. It could still fly away, that seed, taken by the wind before it has a chance to grow. I want to believe that won’t be us. That after all we’ve been through to get to this point, nothing will take Lucky from me. But how do I keep him? How do I hold onto a creature that’s meant to fly?

“This is real, El. Me and you, it’s real.” I grip him tighter, my heart pounding so hard I’m sure he can hear it. He places his hand over my chest as if in acknowledgement, and his breaths puff lazily across my skin. With the moon lending its soft glow through the window, Lucky falls asleep. And I learn what it is to cradle a firefly in my palms.

I see all the facets of the person who stepped into my life fifteen years ago and who—unintentionally—made me fall in love. And it hits me. This is my best friend. The person I know most in this world. And he isn’t going away. This isn’t going away. Not ever. I knew that; deep down, I did. But I was still scared. Terrified, even, about what this sort of change meant for me and Ellis. I’m not scared anymore.

…I love you more than anything. I love you, I love you, so please, my beautiful firefly, fly back to me soon.

“El… I’ve had my adventures, but no matter how many, no matter where I go, they always lead me back to you. Do you know why?” I swallow, shaking my head slowly. “You say I’m your firefly?” I nod. Yes. “Well you’re my goddamn moon, Ellis. You call, I come.”

He’s so lovely. So utterly gorgeous, and I know, no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to explain to him the depth of what he makes me feel. How he means comfort and safety. How I long for him with an intensity I don’t even fully understand. How he makes me brave and, at times, a little fierce, just like him. How, when we’re together, all I can see is blue. He’s blue, and our story is washed in it. It’s waterfalls and a quick beating heart. It’s starlit skies and the feeling of home. It’s paint, splashed across the floor, a messy declaration of loyalty. It’s the look in his eyes, both familiar and exciting. It’s a million shades of relief and compassion, understanding and trust. It’s all the memories that bind us together. It’s cool and quenching, and it burns like nothing else. Blue is love. To me, it’s love. And that’s always been Lucky.

You are my world, Luck. And even when all goes dark, I will look for you. I will find you, blinking for me in the endless night, and I will be with you always. My brilliant firefly. My love. My Luck. Forever, I’ll be waiting.