To Catch a Firefly

by Emmy Sanders

“Why do you need to leave?” “Ellis,” he mouths. I can’t even hear the word. I can only see it. “Am I not…” “What?” Lucky says urgently, taking a step forward. “Are you not what? Say it.” I can’t. I know I’m not enough.

“It’ll always be me and you, El,” he says. “But I can’t… I can’t stay here. I’ve never even been kissed, you know?”

Taking a step forward, I tip Lucky’s chin. His eyes catch mine and his lips pop open, and when I lean down to press my mouth to his, his fingertips dig into my arm. Not pushing, though, holding. I’ve never kissed before, either, but Lucky deserves a first with someone who loves him. At least I can give him that.

“Should I stay?” Yesterday, I would have said yes. I would have told him I could make it worth it. That I was worth it because we’re best friends, and best friends stick together, right? But today? Today, everything is different. Would Lucky be happy here, really? I don’t think so.

“El,” Lucky gasps, hand on my shoulder. “One day, someone is going to corrupt you, and I can only hope I’m there to see it.”

I shake my head, grabbing Lucky’s hand and giving his knuckles a quick kiss. His breath catches. “If you ever decide to love someone,” he says slowly, “they’ll be very lucky.” He already is.

“I’m going to call. And you’re going to talk to me.” It sounds like a threat. “Yes,” I say. “And sometimes, we’ll email.” I nod. “But we’re not done,” he says vehemently, stepping into my space. “We’ll never be done. Me and you, we don’t have an ending.”

At some point in the past couple years, he grew into a man, but right now, with him tucked against me, his head under my chin, it feels as if we’re boys again. Just two young boys with no responsibilities or duty, in a time where dreams ruled the waking world. But we’re not boys anymore, are we? The world spins, and with it, we move forward.

My mom’s voice enters my head then, a whisper of memory from when I was seven. “Not everyone is going to understand you, Ellis. But it’s not your job to make them.” Lucky has always heard me. From the very first time we met, he’s heard me. He knows me, unlike any other.

I was ten years old when I met Lucky. I knew it then, and I know it now. He’s a firefly. Luminous and wild. He was never meant to be trapped. Not here and not with me. And in a few days, I’ll finally watch him fly away.

I hope you’re happy. I know you are. I hope you’re living. I have no doubt of that, either. I hope, sometimes, that you think of me like I think of you. But then I hope you don’t because I miss you, Luck. And I don’t want you to miss me the same.

I think it was at thirteen that I first felt my heart beat for you. And break, just a little. Because I knew, like that tornado, you’d leave destruction in your path, and I’d be your willing victim. I’d do it again. I love you, my brilliant firefly.

“Then there was Ellis, and he made me feel like everything was going to be okay. I was safe, and I had someone who was just mine, and…and he was always there for me. Even still, he’s always there for me.”

But what makes one person look at another and think yes, this one. I want this one?

I blow out a slow breath. He’s beautiful; I can’t even deny that. He’s lovely in the way the natural world is lovely. Imperfect but vital. Roughly hewn and uniquely himself. He’s just… Ellis. He’s my Ellis.

I was fifteen when I sat beside you at the top of a windmill, your lip split and bruised like my knuckles. It was us against the world, Luck. The two of us, always. Me and you. We’ve grown. Of course we have. But still, always, I love you. Don’t stay away too long this time, my darling firefly.

“Lucky-boy, in the half a year I’ve known you, I’ve seen your eyes light up in front of a dormant volcano. I’ve seen you run with a herd of buffalo, just to get the right shot. I’ve seen your fearlessness worn right on your sleeve, but until last night, I’d never seen your heart. Where is your courage now? Why are you running from him?”

I forget, sometimes, that you’re not invincible. That you bleed just like me. You’ve always been larger than life. A force. But your heart is big, and I bruised it, didn’t I?

I couldn’t leave her. Not like that. Not like he did. But it meant, in a way, I left you. So maybe I started this. If that’s the case, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for a lot of things. Please forgive me. Please. Please. I miss you, my precious firefly.

“Have you ever wanted someone so much,” I say slowly, “that it feels like your atoms are vibrating when you’re away from them? Like you’re half of a whole, and your body knows it. And until you’re in their arms again, every single piece of you is straining toward them because…because they’re your home. They’re part of you. Your beginning and your never-ending. How? How do I move on from that?”

“Ellis,” I say roughly, clutching the railing in front of me. “What did you mean when you said one person? That there was one person. Who?”

I remembered our history in a series of snapshots, but I saw it under a different lens. And I knew. And now, here with Ellis’s lips pressed against mine, there’s no question or doubt—he wants me. He has feelings for me that extend beyond the bounds of our friendship.

“No more holding back, okay, El? Not for either of us.” I nod in a sharp jerk. “We’ve been such idiots,” he says, head leaned against the stone wall. His eyes sweep over my face, but there’s a softness on his. A gentle sort of happiness, despite his words. His voice, when he speaks again, is a whisper. “I’ve wanted you for such a long time.”

It’s us, El. Me and you. For always. But it’s also something more. Something that has yet to settle into the dirt. A seed, so full of possibilities it’s blinding, yet fragile and new, not yet sowed into the earth. It could still fly away, that seed, taken by the wind before it has a chance to grow. I want to believe that won’t be us. That after all we’ve been through to get to this point, nothing will take Lucky from me. But how do I keep him? How do I hold onto a creature that’s meant to fly?

With the moon lending its soft glow through the window, Lucky falls asleep. And I learn what it is to cradle a firefly in my palms.

No matter how futile it seemed, there was always a piece of me that desperately hoped we’d end up here. I couldn’t let it go, couldn’t shake the possibility. I wanted him too much, and even now, it’s not enough. Like he said, it’ll never be enough. There won’t ever be a time where I don’t want this man. Where I don’t hunger for him.

I won’t ever love another the way I love Ellis, and I don’t want to. He’s it. He’s always been it. And for the first time since we’ve known one another, I know, as I look into his brown eyes, that whatever piece of me is tethered to Ellis has a counterpoint. An equal pull.

I don’t have wings, Luck, not like you. I’m afraid of holding you back. But you told me we’ll be okay, that we’ll figure it out, and I believe you. I believe you.

You said you’d come back. You promised. I believe you. I’m scared, Luck, but I love you more than anything. I love you, I love you, so please, my beautiful firefly, fly back to me soon. Come back, that’s all I ask. Keep coming back to me.

Oh, God. It’s me. I’m the one who’s going to corrupt him.

Maybe, when it comes down to it, love is in the act of living. It’s choosing—breathing—that person every single day. Me and you.

I wouldn’t change a thing. I’m so glad you’re my best friend, El. Even if it took us a few extra trips to get to where we are now, I’m so glad it was you. Is you. Will be you.” “Always,” I whisper.