To Catch a Firefly

by Emmy Sanders

The new neighbors moved in this morning. I watched from the window as the trucks came and went, but it reminded me too much of my dad, so I didn’t watch for long.

“Hey, Ellis? I’m glad you’re here. Maybe this won’t suck so bad after all.”

so bloody cute 😍

But whatever this feeling is he’s chasing, it’s bigger than me, bigger than this place, bigger than anything I know. What I have to offer won’t ever be enough for my free-spirited friend. The realization hurts more than it reasonably should.

Taking a step forward, I tip Lucky’s chin. His eyes catch mine and his lips pop open, and when I lean down to press my mouth to his, his fingertips dig into my arm. Not pushing, though, holding. I’ve never kissed before, either, but Lucky deserves a first with someone who loves him. At least I can give him that.

OMFG my heart

I suppose, in the end, it doesn’t matter when things started to change. Because Lucky’s path has been set from the moment he came into my life. “I’m gonna get out of this town one day, El.” He never was mine to keep. No matter how much I wish it.

“If you ever decide to love someone,” he says slowly, “they’ll be very lucky.” He already is.

This book doesn't pull any punches when it comes to all the feels

“But we’re not done,” he says vehemently, stepping into my space. “We’ll never be done. Me and you, we don’t have an ending.”

them. At some point in the past couple years, he grew into a man, but right now, with him tucked against me, his head under my chin, it feels as if we’re boys again. Just two young boys with no responsibilities or duty, in a time where dreams ruled the waking world. But we’re not boys anymore, are we? The world spins, and with it, we move forward.

My mom’s voice enters my head then, a whisper of memory from when I was seven. “Not everyone is going to understand you, Ellis. But it’s not your job to make them.”

I was ten years old when I met Lucky. I knew it then, and I know it now. He’s a firefly. Luminous and wild. He was never meant to be trapped. Not here and not with me. And in a few days, I’ll finally watch him fly away.

I think it was at thirteen that I first felt my heart beat for you. And break, just a little. Because I knew, like that tornado, you’d leave destruction in your path, and I’d be your willing victim. I’d do it again. I love you, my brilliant firefly.

For a little while, I let myself feel nothing but good. I even almost convince myself it’s enough. That it doesn’t all feel a bit…empty in the end.

What a time to realize how very much not over my childhood crush I am. Fuck.

Happens to the best of us 😂

“Then I come back here, and it feels like…” He lets loose a breath, eyes drifting shut. “It feels good. And I don’t understand that. I don’t understand how one place”—he flicks his eyes to me—“can feel like the starting point. Like my beginning. Because I didn’t grow up here. I hated coming here. But I got attached, and I miss it. I never wanted to, but I do. I miss it, and I miss you, and I don’t…”

In my weakest moments, I wish you’d stay. I wish you’d hear the words I could never bring myself to give. I wish you’d know the deepest secrets in my heart and, somehow, share them in yours.

Could you just drop it? Please?” Danil watches me for a fraught moment before acquiescing with a nod. “Consider it dropped. I did my duty as your loyal, intrepid friend. If you choose to continue being an idiot, that’s on you.”

Finally, I say, “When you’re…gone, you… You share your life. With me. Your adventures and… And your joy.” I set my gaze on the corn as I go on. “It means the world to me, Luck. To be a part of that. I… Please don’t stop just…just because I was…”

Scared, I can’t say. I can’t. I let out a small breath before continuing. “I don’t ever want to lose…the place I have in your world.”

“Have you ever wanted someone so much,” I say slowly, “that it feels like your atoms are vibrating when you’re away from them? Like you’re half of a whole, and your body knows it. And until you’re in their arms again, every single piece of you is straining toward them because…because they’re your home. They’re part of you. Your beginning and your never-ending. How? How do I move on from that?”

“What did you mean?” he calls once he’s close enough. My heart thuds. “Who? Who did you mean?”

I nod, breathing through my nose as he slowly closes the distance between us, stalking me, it would seem. I sure feel like prey.

As a tornado rages somewhere overhead, that leash around my heart snaps, and I give in to the thing I want above all else. I lunge forward and kiss my best friend.

It’s not so much a kiss as a reassurance, but it snakes inside me like a wild, living thing regardless, taking up camp. A vein of lightning, leaving behind a permanent, welcome scar.

It’s not lost on me that I’m finally touching the only person who’s ever played a starring role in my fantasies. My dreams have nothing on reality.

With the moon lending its soft glow through the window, Lucky falls asleep. And I learn what it is to cradle a firefly in my palms.

“Promise me something,” he says, turning his face. My lips brush his cheek. Anything. “Promise we’ll still do this when we’re sixty or eighty or a hundred. I want a lifetime with you, El. Me and you. ’Til the end of time.”