The Art of Communicating: Mastering Life's Most Important Skill Through Mindfulness, Personal Growth, and Effective Interpersonal Relations with Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh

by Thich Nhat Hanh

Practicing the mantra, you do the opposite. You have to recognize that you suffer. The mantra can also be a little longer, if that feels more appropriate to the situation: “I suffer. I want you to know it. I don’t understand why you did or said what you did. So please explain. I need your help.” That is true love. To say, “I don’t suffer; I don’t need your help” is not the language of true love.

The mantra can be further broken down into three sentences. The first is: “I suffer and I want you to know.” That’s sharing yourself with the person you care about. You share your happiness with each other; you also need to share your suffering.

The second sentence is: “I am doing my best.” It means, “I am practicing mindfulness, and when I get angry I won’t say anything that can cause damage to myself or to you. I am practicing mindful breathing, mindful walking, and looking deeply into my suffering to find the roots of my suffering. I believe that you have caused my suffering, but I know I shouldn’t be too sure about that.

The third sentence is: “Please help.” This sentence acknowledges that we can’t figure it all out on our own. We need each other. This is perhaps the hardest part. The three sentences together are: “I suffer, and I want you to know it. I am doing my best. Please help.”

The fifth mantra is: “This is a happy moment.” When you are with someone you care about, you can use this mantra.

You use the sixth mantra when someone praises or criticizes you. You can use it equally well in both cases. The sixth mantra is: “You are partly right.”

I have weaknesses in me, and I have strengths in me. If you praise me, I shouldn’t get too puffed up and ignore the fact that in me there are also challenges. When you criticize me, I shouldn’t get lost in that and ignore the positive things.

rhapsodizes

If the other person criticizes you, you can reply, “Darling, you are only partly right, because I also have good things in me.” Without judgment, you investigate so you can improve. If somebody misjudges you, you reply, “You have said something that is partly correct. But in me there are also positive things.” Likewise, when someone admires you, you can thank them for appreciating you but also point out that they are seeing one part of you and that you have many challenges too. “You have said something that’s only partly correct, because I have many weaknesses that you perhaps haven’t seen yet.” If someone says, “You have many weaknesses,” you can say, “You are partly correct. I have strengths too.” You may answer them that way in silence or say it nicely. “You are only seeing part of me, not the totality. I have other things in me that are much better.”

The sixth mantra is the truth. You don’t lie, and you don’t fall into false humility. You just say it, either aloud or silently to yourself. Inside you there are many wonderful qualities and many weaknesses; you accept both.

In popular psychotherapy, we’re sometimes encouraged to express our anger physically to “get it out of our system.” We’re advised to allow our anger to manifest by shouting in a secluded place or hitting an inanimate substitute, such as a pillow. I haven’t found this practice to be useful in transforming the roots of anger.

Suppressing anger can be dangerous. It will explode if it is ignored. Anger, like all strong emotions, wants to express itself. So how do we handle it? The best thing is to go home to ourselves and take care of our anger. We can remember the first mantra and be there for ourselves and take care of our anger. We return to ourselves and connect body and mind. Return to your practice of mindful breathing and mindful walking.

Asking for help when we’re angry is very difficult, but it allows others to see your suffering instead of just your anger. They will see that suffering causes the anger, and then communication and healing can begin.

When you are very angry at someone, in the heat of the moment, it’s almost impossible to use loving speech. But when understanding arises, compassion comes, and it’s possible to use loving speech without having to make a lot of effort.

A wrong perception can be the cause of a lot of suffering. All of us are subject to misunderstanding. We live with wrong perceptions every day. That’s why we have to practice meditation and looking deeply into the nature of our perceptions. Whatever we perceive, we have to ask ourselves, “Are you sure your perception is right?” To be safe, you have to ask.

Instead of rushing to answer the phone, you can breathe in and out with awareness three times before answering to make sure you’re truly present for whoever is calling.

But none of us needs to embrace pain and sorrow alone. When you throw a rock into a river, no matter how small the rock is, it will sink to the bottom of the river. But if you have a boat, you can carry many tons of rocks, and they won’t sink. The same is true of our suffering. Our sorrow, fear, worries, and pain are like rocks that can be carried by the boat of mindfulness. If we give ourselves the time and space to embrace and recognize the suffering, we won’t sink into the ocean of anger, worries, or sorrow. We become lighter.

Both communication and community have the same Latin root, communicare, meaning to impart, share, or make common. We need to go in the direction of reconciliation and understanding, not just with our friends and family, but in our neighborhoods and workplaces. We can create an inclusive, compassionate foundation as the basis from which we interact with everyone.

Just as an orange tree can produce beautiful orange leaves, blossoms, and fruits, a beautiful human being can produce beautiful thoughts, speech, and actions. Our communication is not neutral. Every time we communicate, we either produce more compassion, love, and harmony or we produce more suffering and violence.

Everything we say and do bears our signature. We can’t say, “That’s not my thought.” We’re responsible for our own communication. So if it happens that yesterday I said something that wasn’t right, I have to do something today to transform it. The French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre said, “Man is the sum of all his actions.” The value of our lives depends on the quality of our thinking, our speech, and our action.

Breathing in and out three times is enough to release the tension in the body and smile, and then we can continue our work.

Our wounded child is not only us; he or she may represent several generations of ancestors. Our parents and ancestors may have suffered all their lives without knowing how to look after the wounded child in themselves, so they transmitted that child to us. So when we’re embracing the wounded child inside us, we’re embracing all the wounded children of past generations. This practice doesn’t just benefit us; it liberates numberless generations of ancestors and descendants. This practice can break the cycle.