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If a lotus is to grow, it needs to be rooted in the mud. Compassion is born from understanding suffering. We all should learn to embrace our own suffering, to listen to it deeply, and to have a deep look into its nature. In doing so, we allow the energy of love and compassion to be born. When the energy of compassion is born, right away we suffer less. When we suffer less, when we have compassion for ourselves, we can more easily understand the suffering of another person and of the world. Then our communication with others will be based on the desire to understand rather than the desire to
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It’s helpful to remember at the beginning of every communication with another person that there is a Buddha inside each of us. “The Buddha” is just a name for the most understanding and compassionate person it’s possible to be. You may call it something else if you wish, like wisdom or God. We can breathe, smile, and walk in such a way that this person in us has a chance to manifest.
There are two keys to effective and true communication. The first is deep listening. The second is loving speech. Deep listening and loving speech are the best instruments I know for establishing and restoring communication with others and relieving suffering.
The other person may say things that are full of wrong perceptions, bitterness, accusation, and blaming. If we don’t practice mindfulness, their words will set off irritation, judgment, and anger in us, and we will lose our capacity to listen compassionately. When irritation or anger arises, we lose our capacity to listen. That’s why we have to practice, so that during the whole time of listening,
compassion can remain in our hearts. If we can keep our compassion alive, the seeds of anger and judgment in our hearts will not be watered and spring up. We have to train ourselves first so we’re able to listen to the other person.
If we try to interrupt or correct the other person, we will transform the session into a debate and it will ruin everything. After we have deeply listened and allowed the other person to express everything in his heart, we’ll have a chance later on to give him a little of the information he needs to correct his perception—but not now. Now we just listen, even if the person says things that are wrong. It’s the practice of mindfulness of compassion that keeps us listening deeply.
You have to take the time to look and see the suffering in the other person. You must be prepared. Deep listening has only one purpose: to help others suffer less. Even if the person says wrong things, expresses bitterness, or blames, continue to listen compassionately for as long as you can. You may want to say this to yourself as a reminder: I am listening to this person with only one purpose: to give this person a chance to suffer less. Keep the one purpose of deep listening alive in your heart and in your mind. As long as you are inhabited by the energy of compassion, you are safe. Even if
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You know that the other person is suffering. When we don’t know how to handle the suffering inside us, we continue to suffer, and we make people around us suffer. When other people don’t know how to handle their suffering, they become its victim. If you imbibe their judgment, fear, and anger, you become its second victim. But if you can listen deeply, understanding that what they are saying is coming from suffering, then you are protected by your compassion. You only want to help them suffer less. You don’t blame or judge them anymore.
1. Tell the truth. Don’t lie or turn the truth upside down. 2. Don’t exaggerate. 3. Be consistent. This means no double-talk: speaking about something in one way to one person and in an opposite way to another for selfish or manipulative reasons. 4. Use peaceful language. Don’t use insulting or violent words, cruel speech, verbal abuse, or condemnation.
1. We have to speak the language of the world. 2. We may speak differently to different people, in a way that reflects how they think and their ability to receive the teaching.
3. We give the right teaching according to person, time, and place, just as a doctor prescribes the right medicine. 4. We teach in a way that reflects the absolute truth.
Sometimes we have to use the kind of language that people speak and the way they view things.
you have to speak in terms that people can understand, based on their daily experience of life.
We need to keep the truthful content the same while being aware of the perspective and understanding of the person we’re speaking to, so others have an opportunity to really hear what’s being said.
So the teaching you give and the way you speak depends on the degree of wisdom of the receiver and that person’s ability to understand what you say. You speak according to the background and the abilities of the person you’re speaking to.
“I am here for you.”
“I know you are there, and I am very happy.”
“I know you suffer, and that is why I am here for you.”
When your loved one is suffering, your impulse may be to want to do something to fix it, but you don’t need to do much. You just need to be there for him or her. That is true love. True love is made of mindfulness.
“I suffer, please help.”
“I suffer. I want you to know it. I don’t understand why you did or said what you did. So please explain. I need your help.”
The second sentence is: “I am doing my best.” It means, “I am practicing mindfulness, and when I get angry I won’t say anything that can cause damage to myself or to you. I am practicing mindful breathing, mindful walking, and looking deeply into my suffering to find the roots of my suffering. I believe that you have caused my suffering, but I know I shouldn’t be too sure about that. I’m looking
to see whether my suffering has come from a wrong perception on my part. Maybe you didn’t mean to say it. Maybe you didn’t want to do it. I’m now doing my best to practice looking deeply, to recognize my anger and embrace it tenderly.”
“This is a happy moment.”
“You are partly right.”
Whatever we perceive, we have to ask ourselves, “Are you sure your perception is right?”
You have to recognize that you are the continuation of your father, mother, and ancestors. Cultivate mindfulness so you can recognize the habit energy each time it arises and embrace it with your energy of mindfulness. Each time we’re able to do this, the habit energy becomes weaker. If we keep practicing like this, we can stop the cycle of transmission, and this will benefit not only us but our children and descendants.
Yet with our practice of breathing mindfully, walking mindfully, and looking deeply, we can bring about transformation and restore communication in even the most difficult families. If the other person also practices mindful awareness, it’s much easier, but reconciliation is possible even if the other person doesn’t know about the practice.
Don’t ask your family members to change. When you’re able to generate the energy of understanding and compassion in yourself, reconciliation can begin to take place.
The first step is to practice mindful breathing, mindful walking, and mindfulness in daily activities, so that you will be strong enough to go back to yourself, listen to your own suffering, and look deeply into its nature.
So it’s better that you change yourself. Don’t try to force the other person to change.
You have to disentangle yourself from the unhappiness and go back to yourself, back to your peace, until you know how to handle the situation in a loving way.
In the beginning we think that we are the only ones who suffer and have a lot of fear. But if we get close enough to the other side and look, we see that they also have a lot of
fear—fear of us—and also suffering. When we can see their suffering and fear, we suffer less already. When we’re able to produce a compassionate thought, this thought begins to heal us, heal the other, and heal the world.
Words can travel thousands of miles. May my words create mutual understanding and love. May they be as beautiful as gems,
as lovely as flowers.
According to scientists who have conducted studies, when you’re exposed to such behavior from some members of your community, the seed of altruism in you is watered. And when your turn comes, you will do the same—you will know how to sacrifice for the sake of the community.
When we think, when we speak, when we act, we create, and we are there in our creations. That is the outcome of our being. Our communications will not be lost when our physical bodies are no longer here. The effect of our thinking, speech, and physical actions will continue to ripple outward into the cosmos. Whether this body is still here or has disintegrated, our actions continue.
