Fake Around and Find Out (Happy Haven, #1)

by S.M. Shade

“What’s wrong? Your Clitsucker Nine Thousand out of batteries? I can loan you some.”

“Actually, it’s rechargeable. But I’ll buy you a vibrator if you need another way to go fuck yourself.”

He could claim that thing as a dependent on his taxes.

Why are the ones with quality dick game always such complete assholes? Nature gave the big ones to the wrong men. Maybe audacity is stored in the shaft.

“Until this moment, I didn’t know a vagina could pucker. It just closed up like a drawstring bag.”

He hops into the truck and settles down with the toy between his paws, resting his chin on it. Great. My dog has an emotional support dildo.

“You’re awfully mouthy for someone who is about to be over my knee.”

“Any woman who busts in my house in the middle of the night and demands I fuck her gets breakfast. It’s a rule I have.”

“Are you sure you’ll be able to fit everything in the frame with your ego taking up so much space?”

“I’m not letting you die in a tornado because you’re embarrassed, and I’m not going without you.” “Then you’d better pick a god that feels friendly and say a prayer because I’m not—"

“Besides, I don’t think he’s an asshole. You two just rub each other the wrong way,” Lila adds. Rita turns around to glance back at me. “Sounds like he rubs her fine now.”

“I just got out of the shower and saw him grab her.” Cara’s lips twitch at my explanation. “My knight in damp boxer briefs. Here to save the day. Thanks for the gesture, but I can protect myself.”

“Okay, Cara, baby doll, would you like to accompany me back to my living room on foot or over my shoulder?”

“What was that sound? This doesn’t feel good, does it?” I tease. “I moan louder when I step into a hot shower.”

“I hate your guts,” she snaps. “Too bad you like it when I rearrange yours. Now bend over.”

you aren’t a bull and shouldn’t charge at red flags with your vagina.”

“Ready for some games?” Monroe asks me. “You have to win me a teddy bear.” “Isn’t that supposed to be the other way around?” “Only if you’re sexist, but I respect women and their right to win me stuff.”

No way. Is this…is Cara listening to bigfoot porn?

He puts our ducks in sexual positions. I find different ways to kill his. Perfectly normal fake relationship.

“Of course it matters. Do you think Lila is a failure? Or Maren? Or me? We live the same way you do.” She blinks, and I watch her consider it as if the thought has never occurred to her before. “No, of course not.” “Then don’t you dare believe that about yourself. You never stopped trying. You’re still trying. I don’t care what they say, you aren’t a failure. Do you understand?”

“Unless you can dial nine-one-one with broken fingers, you’d better get your hands off my girl.”

Why does he get sexier the more I look at him? “Are you objectifying me? Because I’m cool with that.” His little smirk is firmly in place.

“I think one day of playing fake boyfriend with my family has pushed you into insanity. You might want to get that checked out.” His hand cups my jaw and the temperature in the room seems to leap upward. He drags his thumb slowly over my cheek, back and forth, and I can’t pull my eyes away from his. “If you think this is fake, you aren’t paying attention.”

“I bought a sympathy card for a vibrator!”

“That’s how it goes. Some days you’re the boner, some days you’re the butt.” You can’t pay for wisdom like that.

“That your new woman?” Liam asks, offering me a shot of whiskey. “I’m going to marry this one.”

“You’re in love with her.” It’s a statement, not a question but I answer anyway. “Yes, I love her.” She raises an eyebrow. “Enough to endure days in a coffin?” Is she seriously suggesting what I think she is? “Even if they buried it.”

“Louise’s vibrator box had more padding than this,” I whisper to Cara, knocking on the bottom.

“Love makes you do stupid things,” she mumbles. “Tell me about it. I’m in a coffin right now.” She blinks a couple of times but doesn’t respond.

“And told him I’m not his type because I’m a nightmare,” I snap. “You aren’t a nightmare. And you aren’t his type. You’re mine.”

“Thanks.” Monroe turns and holds the box out to me. “Taste test?”