Shattered Dreams (Dream, #1)

by Natasha Madison

I want to pull her to me and have her sit on top of me so we can make out. Fuck, I’ve never wanted to kiss someone so badly in my life, which makes me feel a little guilty.

I try to get my heart rate to return to normal, but whenever he’s around me lately, it’s like he’s the air I need to breathe, which makes me hate myself a little bit more.

“I was wondering if you were busy.” He smirks at me, the Charlie smirk that you always want to see. “I’m on my way to go to lunch with the pope,” I retort. He throws his head back and laughs. A full on laugh I haven’t heard since that fateful night. A sound I didn’t know I missed, yet now that I heard it, I want to hear it again.

With him on the step below, we are face-to-face. It would take nothing for me to wrap my arms around his neck and lean into him and take the kiss I want, but know I can’t ever get.

“I haven’t ridden in over eight years,” I admit as we walk out with the horse next to him. “It’s just like a bike,” he says, and when we are in the fenced area, he holds out his hand for me. I put my hand in his as I put my foot in the stirrup and then get up on her as I hear him. “You be good with her,” he tells the horse. “She’s special.” My chest tightens at his words as he looks up at me.

“This is your home.” He looks up at me. “I don’t know where my home is,” I admit. “Maybe in all of this I’m going to find my home.” “Your home is right here,” he repeats, “right fucking here.” “Once upon a time, I thought it was.” I pick my hand up and wipe away the tear. “I’m not so sure anymore.” “I am,” he declares, his shoulders back. “I’m not sure of a lot of things these days.” His voice comes out shaky. My body gets tight waiting for the rest of his statement, except it’s nothing that I thought it would be. The words that come out of his mouth send me jumping off a cliff, but this time, there is water there to catch me falling and not just an empty black hole. “But I do know that this is where you belong.”

She looks over at me with her eyes filled with tears, and it makes me angry. Angry that she hurts so much. Angry I was one of those people who made her cry. Angry because I can’t do shit about it until she gives me a hint that she wants me to do something about it.

I’ve already taken up all your time, and I don’t want you to waste any more time with me.” “Let’s get one thing straight,” I say, grabbing the reins from her. “I was exactly where I wanted to be today.” “Oh.” She looks up at me, her lips parted, and I swear I can taste the kiss. “Exactly, it was what I wanted to do with my time. And now I want to put the horses away, get them some water, and then I’m going to walk you home.”

“Thanks for today. It’s one of the best days I’ve had in a while,” she admits and then looks down at her feet as she twirls her fingers nervously. I walk up the steps to her, my hands reaching up and holding her face in mine. “There are going to be more of those.” My thumbs rub her cheeks, and I lean down, my lips aching to be on hers, but I move my head to the side to kiss her cheek above my hand. “I’ll make sure of it.”

Sitting at the island, as I eat the steak and salad I threw together, it dawns on me that I hate eating alone. Have I always hated eating alone, and I’ve just realized it, or have I started to hate it now since she’s been back?

I’m rounding the corner when I catch her walking out, and she shakes her head while smiling. Something in me settles, and I don’t know what it is. All I know is that all day I felt like I was on pins and needles, and now, seeing her, it’s like it’s all gone away.

She’s wearing a skirt with flowers on it and a white crop T-shirt that stops right above her waist, showing just a touch of that skin I vowed I would spend the night worshipping if I got another chance with her.

I look down at her, wanting to kiss her more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my whole life, but also knowing that I have to gain her trust. I vowed I was only going to kiss her if she wanted me to kiss her, and that is what I’m going to do, even if it kills me.

“Relax,” I say, and she just stares at me. “I don’t know if I can do this,” she whispers softly, and I reach out my hand and put it on hers, making sure more people stare and whisper, also not giving one fuck about who is pointing and who is whispering. “You can do this.” I smile at her. “You can do anything.” She has to be quite honestly the strongest woman I’ve ever met.

“Let’s go.” I grab her hand in mine as I shield her and walk away from them, stopping next to Mr. Cartwright. My voice goes very low so only he can hear me. “And if I find out that you pull any more shit on her, you’ll have to deal with me and my family.” I smile. “And between you and me, I would love nothing more than to drag your name through the mud.” He turns his eyes toward me. “Again.”

“Where are we going?” I know I should take her home. I know she should go back to the place she feels safest, but there is somewhere else that I want her to feel safe in. “My house.”

“I want you to stay with me.” His voice is a whisper. “I won’t touch you. I just want to sleep with you in my arms.” I swallow the lump in my throat, knowing I should get up and get out of here. “Just stay with me.”

She is the first woman to be in my bed in eight years. The first woman I want in my bed. The thought makes my head spin at the same time settling the achiness I have been carrying around in my chest for the past eight years.

I lean down and kiss her head. I can’t resist not being able to kiss her the way I want to kiss her, so I settle for this. I close my eyes and settle into my bed. For the first time in eight years, I fall asleep with a slight smile on my face.

“I don’t think there will ever be anything I can do to forgive what I did.” I tighten my arm around her waist, making her crush onto me. “But every single day, I’m going to show you how sorry I am. Every single day, I’ll try to right my wrong.” “It’s okay,” she whispers, and those words kill me because this is who she always was. The kind and understanding woman I forgot she was.

“Why won’t you kiss me?” I put my hands on her hips, making sure she doesn’t move. “Because I don’t deserve you. Because you are the one who will have to make that move. Because I’ve already taken so much from you, I’m not going to take that also.”

“If I kiss you, will you kiss me back?” She puts her forehead on mine. “If you kiss me, I don’t think I will ever be able to stop.” My hands trail from her hips up to her sides. “I took it for granted before,” I admit. “I didn’t take enough time those nights to commit it to my memory.” I don’t say anything else because her lips are on mine, her tongue sliding into my mouth, and it’s nothing, and I mean nothing, like I thought it would be.

“I need you to do something for me,” I say. Her hands stop moving over my body, her fingertips hovering. “Will you do one thing for me?” I ask, and all she can do is stare at me. “I miss your mark,” I say. “You bit me twice.” I move my hand to where her mark was. “Here, and it’s gone away. I want it back.” The need to have her mark on me so I know this moment happened has to be the strongest feeling I’ve ever felt. “What?” Her eyes go from me to my chest and then back to my eyes. “Your mark,” I repeat, “I want it on me.” “Charlie.” She puts her hands down on my chest palms down. “That’s⁠—” “That’s what I want,” I say, “your mark on me.”

I wanted to take it slow. I wanted to take my time. I wanted to savor it, but everything with her is always pushed to the edge of the cliff, and I always jump over without looking down.

His face is turned toward me, and I take him in. He’s the most handsome man I’ve ever laid eyes on. He’s the man who walks into the room and you want to be the one he smiles at. I knew he had it all before, but now that I’ve been with him, I know he’s the whole fucking package.

The feel of him inside me makes my body light up. I feel like every single cell in my body is alive with him. There are no words to describe how good he makes me feel. How good this feels.

I woke up feeling like I’ve never felt before. I mean, never felt before, hands down, and it just got better, until it didn’t. Until I walked out of the walk-in closet and saw her staring at Jennifer’s picture by the bed. I didn’t even notice the picture until she mouthed something to it, and her face got white. The little happy that I had for an hour or less was gone, and I wanted desperately to get it back. I wanted it back more than I wanted anything before.

“We should set her up with Emmett.” The minute my mother says that, I throw my burger back down on the plate. “No fucking way,” I blurt a lot more tensely than I want to say. “Why not?” My mother looks at me, waiting for me to come up with an answer, but the only answer I have is no. “Yes, Charlie,” my father chimes in, “why not?” I glare at both of them. My mother looks at me, waiting for an answer, but my father, he’s got a look on him that is playful, almost as if he’s enjoying this.

I want you to be watching out for her.” She looks at Autumn and then at me. “Make sure she’s okay.” “Oh, I’ll look after her, all right,” I assure her, my eyes on Autumn as she turns her eyes to me. It’s right then and there that I decide the only man who is going to fucking date her is me.

“It’s been eight years. It’s time for him to come back to the land of the living and live.” “I’m living,” I assure her as she sniffles back the tears running down her face. My father lifts his hand to wipe them away. “I promise, Mom, I’m fine.” She turns to look at me. “I’m better than I think I ever was.” “I know,” she responds softly. “I can see it. I can feel it.”

“I missed you,” I admit. “You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted you to know.” I feel her lips on my neck, softly kissing me,

She turns her head to the side as she presses her mouth to mine, and I forget everything from the outside and the only thing I have on my mind is her.

“Every single time,” he says, picking up speed, “feels like the first time.” He moves a bit faster. “I want to spend the day fucking you.”

“Fuck me harder.” “Any harder and I’ll fucking break you.” He can’t even talk without panting. “Then break me.” I reach up and bite him right beside his nipple and that is his last straw. He doesn’t stop, he thrusts into me harder and deeper until we are both going over the ledge.

He walks out and stops. “Love you, kiddo.” I smile at him. “Love you too, Dad.” I watch him walk away from me with a vow that I’m going to do everything I can to make him proud of me.

“You get the first ticket.” She places the ticket in front of me, and I see that it’s black and gold. “No, I’ll buy a ticket,” I say. “I’ll pay Brady if you don’t want to take my money.” “If I fight with you, will I win?” she asks. “Baby,” I call her the nickname I’ve been calling her more and more in private, “the only time you will win a fight is if we’re fighting about which bed to sleep in.” Her cheeks get pink as she looks at the door to make sure it’s just the two of us. “Or what position you want me to fuck you in.”

“I’m in love with her.” I expect the tightness in my chest to be so strong that it doesn’t let me breathe, but it’s not there. “I don’t know when it happened, but it did.” I wait for the guilt to come, but again, it’s not there. “I don’t even know if she feels the same way about me, but I’m going to say it tonight.” I decide. “I don’t even care if she loves me or not. I’ll take her any way I can have her. She’s the hardest working person I know. She’s kind. She’s thoughtful. She’s funny.”

“I want you to know that I will always love you.” I take a deep inhale and exhale. “You’ll always own a piece of my heart. But I’ve learned that just because I love you doesn’t mean I can’t love her. Because, fuck, I do. God, I love her so much.” My heart feels like it’s going to explode. “I fucking love her, and I’m not going to be sorry about that. I’m going to wake up every day thankful that I have her. Thankful I can look at myself in the mirror again. Thankful I don’t have to hide how I felt about you to her. She knows, but it’s time for her to have all of me. She probably won’t take all of me, that’s the kind of person she is. She’ll leave a part of me for you.” I touch the headstone. “I’ll see you soon.” I turn and head back to my house, knowing it’s time to finally have that talk and knowing I’m free to have it.

“I went to Jennifer’s grave.” I put my hand on my stomach to stop it from lurching. “I went to tell her I’ve fallen in love with you.” The minute he says the words, I think the air is being sucked out of me. I have to put one hand on the table to stop myself from falling. “I told her she would always have a piece of my heart, but that it now belonged to you.” The tears come so fast and so hard I can’t even control wiping them, falling one after another on my hand that is at my stomach. “I told her it was time for you to have all of me.”

“I thought you were ending things with me,” I admit to him, and it’s his turn to gasp. “I also was telling myself that it was okay. But it wasn’t, I wasn’t.” My voice cracks, and I put my hand on my mouth. “This is more than anything I’ve ever felt before.” My chest rises and falls. “I never thought in a million years, after the heartache I felt, that I would feel this fullness. That my heart that was shattered into a million pieces would feel like it’s full again.” I close my eyes. “The guilt of loving you and wanting you weighed down on me each and every day.” He doesn’t give me another second to myself as he comes to stand in front of me. “Not sure if I deserve it or not.” His thumbs catch the tears running down my face. “You deserve it,” he assures me softly, “we deserve it.” He rubs his nose with mine. “We deserve happy, baby.” “You think so?” I ask, my hands going to his hips, gripping his T-shirt in my hands. “I don’t think so”—he tilts his head to the side, his lips hovering over mine—“I know so, baby.”

“Is my coffee ready?” she asks but wraps her arms around my neck, not letting me move away from her. “Say it,” she urges, looking up at me. All night long if she woke up, she would whisper to me for me to say how I feel about her. “I,” I say, kissing her lips, “love”—another kiss—“you.” This time, I slide my tongue into her mouth.

“Yeah, baby,” he replies softly, and I know I shouldn’t care that he’s calling me baby in front of his parents, but I do a bit. But not that much because I lean down and kiss his lips, because I want to. Because it feels right. But more importantly, because I can.

“We owe you more than words can say right now.” “What?” I question her, confused as she grabs one of my hands. “I just had lunch with my boy, and he sat there, and he smiled—not a fake smile but a real fucking smile that went all the way to his eyes.” I try not to laugh at her saying the F-word, especially since she whispered it. “I sat there, and he laughed like I haven’t heard before. Like I’ve been praying for for the last eight years. He sat there, and I could tell he was happy. He wasn’t faking it. He wasn’t saying it to say it. He was actually happy, and he’s thriving, and you are part of that reason.” I start to say something, but she holds up her hand. “You brought me back my boy. I didn’t think I would ever see him again.” She wipes the tears away. “You brought my boy home.” She smiles at me.

Usually, I kiss her cheek, but not now, not tonight, actually, no fucking more. I kiss her on the lips, and she even gasps before my lips touch hers. I can hear whispers from some of the local people here but have zero fucks to give.

“We should get out there,” I say once I let go of her lips. “Um, yeah,” she agrees, stepping out of my arms. “You kissed me”—I tilt my head to the side—“in front of everyone.” “Okay.” “Are we doing that now?” she asks, and I put my hands in my pockets. “Like, we kiss in private.” She wrings her hands together. “But we’ve never, you know, in front of everyone.” “Do you not want to kiss me in front of everyone?” I ask,

“I promise that I’ll take good care of him.” I close my eyes, blinking my own tears away. “We both love you so much and we’ll never forget you.” She presses two fingers to her lips before putting them on Jennifer’s name. She stands up beside me as my hand moves to grab hers, sliding it with her fingers and feeling her. Making me settle just by her touch, she looks up at me. The streaks of tears down her face as she smiles, inhaling deeply before saying three words that I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to hear more in my life, “I love you.”

Here, in the middle of the cemetery where my dreams were shattered, I feel whole again. I feel like whatever path I was on and then did a detour led me to this moment right here. To this woman right here. To the fact I love her with every single fiber in my soul. I love her to the point that I never, ever want to be without her. I love her to the point where I don’t think I could breathe without her. She has cured me, and she had no idea she was doing it. I had no idea she was doing it until it was right there in front of me. “I love you.”

His beautiful face tries to fight smiling at me, but he just smirks and then grins. The face I look for every single night I’m behind the bar. The face I look at right before I fall asleep. The face I wake up to each and every single day and have for the last eight months. The face I want to stare at for the rest of my days.

He takes one hand out of his back pocket, tucks it in his front pocket, and takes something out before getting down on one knee. The phone drops from my hand, clattering onto the floor. “We’re getting married.” My hands go to my face. “I want you to move in with me, and I want to marry you. I’m not waiting forever either. Meaning, if I could convince you, I would do it tomorrow.” He holds out the ring. “I’m not wasting more time with you not being my wife,” he says softly. “I want to have my ring on your finger. I want your ring on my finger. I want to have babies with you. I want to fight with you for fun.” I laugh since we never, ever fight. It’s a strange thing; maybe it’s because we’ve been friends for so long, but there are no fights. “I want it all, and I want it with you.”

“I want my father to walk me down the aisle,” I say. “I don’t know how much time we have.” “Does that mean you’ll marry me?” He smiles, and I grab his face in my hands. “That means I’ll marry you. Tonight, tomorrow, this weekend.” I kiss his lips. “In this lifetime and the next, I will marry you each and every single time.” He gets up from his knees, swinging me around. “You are everything I’ve ever dreamed of but thought I would never get.” “Dreams come true, baby, we’re proof of it.” Five days later, in the middle of his backyard, with all our family and friends, wearing a wedding dress I didn’t even think would be possible to get on such short notice, my father walks me down the aisle to the man who made me see that I am worthy. Who showed me what unconditional love is. Who showed me what real love feels like. I became Mrs. Charlie Barnes.