Caution to the Wind (The Fallen Men, #7)

by Giana Darling

Kids made fun of me early on. I was different, which wasn’t really enough to tap into the human fear of and prejudice against the unknown. But I was different and loud about it.

I clung to my uniqueness as if it were both a weapon and a shield.

A wise soul, I figured, would turn their back on the tent and make their way back into the present. Of course, I’d never been particularly wise.

I wasn’t sure if something was deficient in my personality or something was wrong with my heart, but I couldn’t seem to connect with people easily.

It’s strange,” she whispered, almost to herself, and I held very still, suddenly afraid to startle her out of revealin’ her mysteries. “That you could look at me and see everything I’ve ever wanted to be.” She closed the book and hugged it to her chest, eyes dark and fathomless as they raised to me. “It feels just as good as it does bad. To be seen like that.” Her lips flattened. “Like being flayed alive.”

I guess it’s one thing to want to be known and another to actually have someone see you even when you try to hide.”

I never cared much about names or living up to them. And no matter how hard they tried, I never learned how to care about what people thought of me.

Your father doesn’t hate you, Mei Zhen, nor is he even disappointed in you. He is fearful for you because he doesn’t understand you, and for a smart man, there is nothing to fear more than that which he doesn’t know.”

I wanted a man to tremble as he held back his strength to touch me like I was made of glass, not because he thought I was weak, but because he thought I was precious. I wanted a man to change his career because it would have meant too much time away from me even though I’d never ask him to do so. I wanted a man who’d join a criminal motorcycle gang just to find justice for my murder. I wanted a man who would always try to save me, even when I tried to sabotage myself. I wanted what Cleo had, but not how she had it. I wanted Henning. Not as a father figure. But as a man. My man.

I couldn’t bear for Henning to know what I knew now. That I loved him. Not tenderly, not softly like a song or a poem. I loved him in all my dark places. In the way I would die for him, impaling myself on a sword intended for his side. In the way I would kill for him––a happy murder, a giggling death with blood on my teeth that tasted like love and sin.

“Bein’ loyal doesn’t mean takin’ on the world to right your loved one’s wrongs, Mei. You understand that, right?” I understood it, sure, but I didn’t believe that.

You see me, Henning, even when I feel invisible, even when I want desperately to remain unseen. That might not mean anything to you, but it means everything to me.”

“I’d pay any price for you,” he whispered fiercely, his blood-soaked hands clutching at my face so hard it almost hurt. “Is that enough love for you, Rocky?”

“You got one’a the biggest hearts I know, Axe-Man, so I can’t say I agree with that shit. But sometimes we gotta tell ourselves lies to get through the hard times, so I’ll leave you be.”

I cried for what was done to her and taken from her. I cried for the shame of not being there to protect her and for the way she still smelled the same, like Vera Wang perfume, after all these years apart. Mostly, I cried because holding her felt like coming home.

Bea’s threat was no threat at all. I’d been on my own for so long I never hoped for anything else. At least, not anymore.

“I swear it. If you believe anything I’ve ever said or done for you, please believe this. Sometimes bad things happen to good people for no better reason than that they shine so bright they’re incredibly alluring to someone swallowed up by the dark.”

“I’d die for her just as happily as I’d die for you. No amount of time will ever change that. And no amount of hate.”

What difference would I have made, really? What difference did I ever make, other than to ruin nearly everything I touched despite my best intentions?

“But at least I tried, ya know? Even though you could argue it was stupid to love her when it was so fuckin’ unlikely we’d ever find peace together, I was brave enough to try.”