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I bedazzled the jacket with rhinestone butterflies because butterflies are beautiful, kickass symbols of hope, change, and self-transformation, and that’s exactly the kind of positive fucking energy I’m all about.
“One: I don’t tolerate disobedience. If I give you an order, you follow it.” Magic 8 Ball says: Outlook not so good. “Two: you don’t speak unless you’re spoken to.” In what universe is that happening? Not this one.
He leans close to my face and says from between gritted teeth, “You’re about as charming as herpes. Now go take a piss.”
Shaking my head, I say, “I feel sorry for his mother. She should’ve swallowed instead.”
He makes a dismissive motion with his hand to indicate my posture. “Like you’re on the ground in kindergarten class waiting for your teacher to start story time.”
“If we’re separated, use it on anyone who approaches you, even if they seem friendly. Even if it’s a little old lady, shoot that bitch between the eyes.”
“I keep telling you, gangster. I’m charming. By the time this is all over, you’ll be head over heels in love with me.”
“Oh, relax. I just wanted to ask if you think Reverse Stockholm syndrome is already a thing, or if you’re about to invent it?”
Get it together, Sloane. Take a deep breath and remember who the fuck you are.
“The only one of me who ever has been or ever will be. Same as you. In a word: irreplaceable.”
‘I make the best use of what’s in my power, and take the rest as it happens.’”
We seem to be at an impasse. So I do the only thing I can think of that might work. I dig my fingers into his ribs and tickle him. He jerks, curses, and rolls off me, hollering. “What the bloody hell?”
this guy’s got a noggin—until I reach his temples.
“I mean he came into this room working for me, and he went out of it working for you. He suddenly thinks he’s your goddamn butler!”
“Well, if you must know, he’s halfway in love with me already.” My mouth drops open. She’s laughing into the phone. “Right? Poor guy. He was a goner from the first time we met.”
In a life full of difficult moments, this one makes the top five.
Because although I hate Declan, my coochie thinks that bastard is divine.
“Homer. And if you repeat that, I’ll—” “Homer? Very cool! I wish I were named after an ancient Greek poet,
He returns in short order with bags and bags of clothes. He sets the bags inside the door, turns to me, lowers his voice, says, “Kieran says hullo, and we’re working on the cooking thing,” then leaves again.
Our lass. Christ, now she’s the team mascot?
WHAT ARE YOU FEELING? Aloud, I blurt, “Hurt.”
huh? You’re the lucky one who gets to clean up the mess he made?” He glances at me and says gently, “Don’t be sore. I could tell he wasn’t happy about it.”
“Because I hate you, and I want to be there when you finally get shot through the heart by one of your enemies.” “But I already have, lass,” he murmurs, his lips moving against my skin. “I already have.” He pulls my head back and kisses me.
“You’re safe with me.
He puts his mouth near my ear and whispers, “You can’t hide from me. I see you. I see all the strange and wonderful things you are, little lion.”
“No. I think you look like Rockefeller Center at Christmas, Japan in cherry blossom season, and the thousand vivid shades of green in the wild moors of Northern Ireland, all rolled into one.”
She whispers, “Yes. Please be careful. I think you could break me if you’re not.”
The Grand Canyon. It’s vast. So big you can’t imagine it until you’re standing at the edge of one of the rocky red cliffs, looking down. It’s not only deep, though, it’s wide, so wide you can’t see the other side. And long, too, like three hundred miles or something. There’s a river that snakes through the bottom, and incredible rock formations everywhere, and in the canyon walls, individual sedimentary layers where nearly two billion years of Earth’s history are exposed. It’s been inhabited by Native Americans for thousands of years, and many of the tribes consider it a holy site. Because it
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“And it sort of has its own atmosphere. Gusts of hot wind come up out of nowhere, blasting through your hair and blowing grit into your eyes. But there can also be fog, and crazy thunderstorms, and below-freezing temperatures and even snow, all depending on if you’re near the rim or the canyon floor and what time of year you visit. There are about a hundred different animal species, and all these different ecological zones, and it’s all just sitting out there, self-contained, smack in the middle of this vast expanse of nothingness. It’s unexpected. Wild and strange. And so beautiful, it makes
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I exhale a hard breath and muster my courage. “That’s what this feels like to me. Standing stunned and overwhelmed at the edge of the Grand Canyon, staring at all the impossible beauty with my eyes nearly blinded and my mouth hanging open in awe.”
“What’s happening is that you’re breaking my bloody heart. Now fucking kiss me.”
“What you just said is the best thing anyone has ever said to me. In my life. The bloody best thing. And I know I’ll be thinking about it for the rest of my days, long after you’ve forgotten me.
“We just made love, and you’re telling me I’m more than half-dead? And you accuse me of not being romantic.” Made love.
“Because you feel like quicksand to me, and I’m already sinking.” He slowly sets down the knife. “I thought I felt like the Grand Canyon.” “You feel like both. Which is worse. You’re a Grand Canyon filled with quicksand.”
“Gloria Steinem got married, lass. The woman who popularized the phrase ‘A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle’ eventually wanted a husband. It’s biological. Evolutionary. Even the strongest woman needs a man.”
“They’re made for each other, too. It’s not about tab A fits into slot B. It’s about who you are as a human. What turns you on. What you need. Everyone has a match. A fit. Yin to yang, light to darkness. It’s when we fight it and judge it that we run into problems.
A heart that’s safe would never ache with so much longing.
“It’s a relaxation practice. When I’m stressed out, I picture myself sitting underneath a big oak tree beside a stream in the country. The weather is warm, and there’s a gentle breeze. I’m wearing some kind of super cool Lord of the Rings fairy queen costume, and my hair looks great.”
“Whatever worried thought comes to mind, I just mentally put the thought on a leaf in the stream and watch it flow away until it disappears around a bend. Money? It goes on a leaf and drifts away. My future? I put the words on a leaf. My boss at work? She goes on a leaf. In miniature. It’s fun to watch her screaming and stamping her foot, two inches tall, then disappear. Sometimes I make a big fish come up and swallow her.”
“Everyone dies alone. I just want to do it with dignity. But there’s nothing dignified about being so sick you can’t wipe your own ass or so weak you can’t tell the nurse you’re in such agony you don’t want to live another minute.”
“But there will be lots of hugs and encouragement. There will be lots of positive affirmations. There will be lots of tools they can learn to use to help themselves survive in a world that only values what they look like. Because there are way too many little girls who’re being taught to smother their fire and stamp out their light so they can seem smaller to people who are scared of how big they really are. Or how big they could be, if only someone believed in them.”
“He didn’t have to force you. You chose him.” I can tell he didn’t want to admit that, and it makes my heart ache that he did. I say gently, “You didn’t force me.”
“I don’t care about any of that, because the way you look at me makes me feel like I could fly.”
Declan is gone, but my period has arrived, staining the sheets beneath me red. Oddly, the bloody stain is in the shape of a heart.
It’s been eleventy-seven years since my last confession.”
His voice softens. “And who thinks you’re the most precious angel in the world?” I swallow, suddenly fighting tears. His voice is so warm and full of feeling, and all at once, I’m overwhelmed. With a hitch in my voice, I whisper, “Y-you.” His lips brush my ear. “Aye, baby. And all I am is yours now, so take care of this monster you’ve enslaved.”
And I’ve never trusted a man, including my father. So if you break my heart, gangster, just know that you’ll be the first and last to do it. Nobody before you has ever been able to even scratch it, and nobody will be able to pick up the shattered pieces behind you if you leave.”
“The only thing that would make any of this easier is if you weren’t who you are. But that’s impossible. So let’s not entertain hypotheticals about futures that can never happen.”
“Tá tú mianach, cailín milis. Mianach.” He tucks his face into my neck and whispers my name like a prayer. I wonder how I ever thought I’d known happiness before.
“Our heartbeats are in sync.” Those few words fill me with a kind of fear I’ve never known. It’s dread, pure and cold, and it sinks all the way through me, straight down into my bones.
