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I desperately wanted to be captured, but my hesitancy was a result of being held hostage by the fear of what’s next.
Is this my life now Or am I already dead?
At some point, I stopped floating on clouds and began drowning in the icy, freezing rain they produced.
Our closet was spilling with skeletons. Skeletons that I hadn’t placed there but was left to unpack on my own.
Acceptance was the word of the week for me. By the time it was over, I was destined for evidential freedom.
There would be no more crying, especially not over a man who didn’t see me. Didn’t understand my value. Couldn’t discipline himself enough to stop inflicting pain on me. Refused to right his wrongs and free me from the cage he’d locked me in. Those days, they didn’t exist in my world anymore.
“When God sends you the man he created for you, to love and cherish you without having to be told to. Someone who listens to your heart and can accommodate its girth. You’re a lover, Vallei. I know it because I am your mother, and you are me, every bit of me. The misuse of your heart is unfair. But God will send you love, baby. You just wait.”
I whole heartedly believe this
Remember, baby, a man’s foolish ways are not a measurement of your love or what you deserve. There’s only one man who has the power to measure any part of your life at any point. His name is Jesus. Find peace knowing that Phillip has lost the best thing that he could’ve ever wished upon a star for. You are more than this situation. You are more than the pain you feel right now. You are loved. You are appreciated. You are worthy. You are healed. I declare it for you, Vallei.”
All of this! Don't devalue yourself because someone doesn't recognize or know how to take care of valuable ppl.
“Listen, my best advice is to never let anyone get in the way of finding your forever love. Not even your husband.”
I photoshopped a heart on your chest I just wanted to see a heartless man at his very best
“Don’t worry yourself with shit that doesn’t matter,”
“Sorry?” Mercer growled. “Don’t ever fix your lips to apologize for making a mess. That’s what that pussy is made for.”
“Pretty face. Pretty body. Pretty heart. Pretty titties. Pretty pussy. Just Pretty. But I’m not interested in the pretty parts of you right now, Vallei. I am in search of your depths. The filthy, downright disgusting parts. Can you tap into them, or should I go fishing until I find them?”
“Hm?” His brow lifted. Simultaneously, his hand stopped moving. “Mercer, please.” “Anything, Pretty.” “Put it inside of me,” I begged. He fell
“I’m not sorry for denial, so I won’t be apologizing.”
He cared to know my desires and tiptoed toward them, slowly, at his own pace, intensifying my yearning and making it feel utterly outstanding to receive them.
Mercer was a menace.
“You keep fucking me like that knowing you got a nigga? A husband? Fuck is you on, Pretty?”
“Stay away from me, Pretty. I’m trouble you don’t want to get into because you won’t ever be able to get out.”
All I knew was him when he was in my presence.
Vallei was selfish. With me. My attention. And my heart that she didn’t know well enough to have gained residency.
“How much can we be, Pretty, when you belong to someone else?”
Love. Experiences. Freedom. Shit, that made the sacrifice worth it in the end.
I wasn’t a silent lover. I wasn’t a side nigga.
“Infertility cost me my marriage.” I scoffed, still trying to place my feelings. “Infertility exposed the fragility, flaws, and bruised ego of the nigga you chose to marry. It didn’t cost you shit.”
“Don’t ever blame yourself for what a nigga does and doesn’t do. Because one thing I know for sure, if he can and really want to, then he will.
The doctor could tell you right now today that you’re dying of cancer and have only a year to live. “I’d make it my business to make sure you live the fullest, most memorable year of your existence so that you can think about me during your transition. And you’re not fearful because you know without a doubt we’ll do it all again next lifetime. When you love someone, you do that. No matter the circumstances.
“Loving a partner with conditions is pointless.
Because it’s anything when it comes to him. And it’s anything when it comes to me.
“Mercerrrr, I’m cumming.” “I
“I’m going upstairs to the bed I sleep in alone and have been for months. You, you’re going to let me and not bother me anymore for the rest of the night.
I feel you the entire sixty seconds of a minute. I feel you the entire sixty minutes in an hour. “I feel you the entire twenty-four hours of the day. I feel you every day of the week. I feel you every day of the month. There’s nothing fuzzy about our connection, my feelings toward you, or where you fit in my future.
“I belong to you!” I forced out, taking offense to his statement. “And you to me. Avoiding the feelings that make that real, makes us real, will not make any of it unreal.”
I have no doubt in my mind that it won’t. I’m just trying to find out the point in breaking hearts the way you want me to break yours tonight.”
“I’m a nigga that gets shit done. One that will move mountains. Dry seas. Calm storms. Start riots if that’s what it takes to make sure shit goes my way. It’s the only thing I’ve ever done.
“When you cry, I’m dropping everything to see ’bout you. When you need me, I’m there. When you miss me, I will cross the ocean to get to you. I’m invested; heart, dick, and dome. I need you to understand that. You have control of me.
I promised myself to never abuse his generosity, his love, his heart.
“To take her back to the crib and fuck her until she feels better until she forgets all the time she wasted waiting for a nigga who was never meant for her to get his shit together. Then, I want to cook her dinner, feed her, and then fuck her some more. You know, shit that you don’t have the privilege of doing.”
“Your wife has been thoroughly fucked over the last four months, and as a man that can’t get his head out of his ass long enough to notice… it’s too late, homie.
He did nothing but save me from a marriage that I was drowning in.”
Dry those tears quickly. We don’t cry over men. Men cry over us.
“You went and stole somebody’s wife, Mercer? What the hell?”
Just because I don’t wear my emotions on my sleeves doesn’t mean I don’t have them.
“There’s something about when Black women unite. We can move mountains. We’re no strangers to solutions. It’s the most beautiful, unfiltered experience ever, witnessing Black women laugh loudly and step fully into who we are as we dine, sip, and converse. We heal one another. As much as I like my quiet, I love our energy.
Being you, being in my world, that’s all you ever have to do for me. Exist. That’s it, baby. I’m overcompensated. Having you near is the best reward.”
I was his problem now, and I took pride in that.
When he was around, I was never well. I was always a sniff or kiss away from buckling knees and breathless fainting.
“You are the occasion, Pretty. You should wake up to them every day, and I’ma make sure you do from this day forward.”
I wanted to stay in the new lover’s phase for a lifetime. It was the best phase of the relationship cycle. Excitedly, you woke up daily, happy to be with the person who made your heart smile.
