The Ex List

by Grace Pearce

X I cannot date a man that won’t order me girly and ridiculous sounding drinks.

“Ow,” I mutter under my breath when I step on a jagged rock and my knee buckles. Grey’s strong, tan arms whisk me up out of nowhere and plop me down in the middle of my tube before I can protest.

“You’re mad at me.” I pick my head up and glare at Grey behind my sunglasses. “No, I’m not.” “You were my girlfriend for two years. I’d like to think I would know when you’re mad.” Interesting choice of words.

I lay my head back again and cover my face with my hat. “You don’t know me anymore.” Take that. Thirty seconds pass. “Grey,” I hear Sage warn. “Don’t.” Then a snap like metal on plastic. Another snap. I lift the bill of my hat to see Sage and the rest of the group floating away.

“You just gave up, Grey.” “I didn’t give up. It was harder than I thought, for sure. But I couldn’t be that guy. Groveling to you every day about how I can’t stand not being able to kiss you or touch you or fall asleep next to you. Ryan, you know how I am. I couldn’t ask you to come back and be with me. You would have resented me. You would’ve hated me—which you do anyway, but that’s beside the point. You worked so hard, and that was something you needed to do for yourself. I know how hard engineering is and you graduated with honors.”

“So, I did fall off the face of the planet because I didn’t trust myself not to text or call you because I was so close to begging you to come back so many times. I knew it would be a long two years. Too long. I deleted my social media because I hated seeing pictures of you snorkeling or shark diving or surfing and looking happy. I had to let you go. I couldn’t ever forgive myself if I became the reason you gave all of that up. It turns out, life without social media was much healthier for me, so I never got back on it. You needed Hawaii for yourself. It was your dream degree from your dream school. I am sorry, but it was the right thing to do for you, and I hated myself for wanting to take it away from you.”

he took "if you love them, let them go" seriously

“I think I’d rather you hate me than regret me.”

Grey looks at both and hands one back to Caleb. “Ryan doesn’t like cherry. Grab a mango or a watermelon.”

His eyes scan my face. “What?” “Grey, there is something a little fucked up about me using a dating app created by my ex-boyfriend.”

I am beaming. “But that is like really awesome.” “Honestly, I kind of feel like I’ve channeled my inner Ryan. It’s like artistic problem solving.” My heart lunges toward him.

I’ll teach you, he says. I promise I’m more fun than Mitchell, and I made Elliot rent a pair of teeny tiny waders. I’m not the only one trying to eavesdrop, and maybe I’m not the only one who is irrationally jealous. Just for me? You shouldn’t have, I joke. Of course, for you. Never for anyone else.

“How do I look?” Grey cascades his eyes down my body as he stands. “Like the cutest fisherman I’ve ever seen.” I scrunch my nose. I don’t want to be cute, but arguably, I see the inappropriate thoughts in his eyes. “Just cute?” Grey laughs and brushes me off. “Stop trying to read my thoughts. You don’t know me anymore.”

Grey laughs. “I’m going to have to worry about her boyfriends next.” “Maybe you’ll be less stressed if she does long distance,” I tease. Grey stops short, but he can’t hide his smile. “Too soon?” I joke. “Come on. Four years is not too soon.” “You are not funny.” “I think your lips beg to differ.” He scoops me up and throws me over his shoulder. “Grey!”

He holds his eye contact, pride pulling on the corners of his lips. “See, I still know you.” His soft words whoosh through me. “You got lucky,” I smile. “I know,” he says, eyes scanning my face slowly.

“Quit looking at my junk,” he says, leaning against the bark and crossing his arms over his chest. I double take, lingering on it for another second, before I pull my eyes up to meet his. “I can’t help it. It’s just… there.” He makes no movement to try to shield it. “There’s no mystery there for you, Ryan.”

“This isn’t an ‘80s P.E. class.” Grey scans my arms. “Doesn’t look like you’ve stopped working out in the last four years.” His eyes rise to the sky like he didn’t mean to say that out loud. “Can I lift you up?” I have to admit I’m proud of myself with that tiny bit of female smugness. He notices me just as much as I notice him.

So, I do. My arms go over his shoulders. My legs go around his waist. I smile at him before I place my cheek to his so he can see what he’s doing. His chuckle tickles my ear, but he doesn’t say anything. “I almost made a sex swing joke earlier too,” I confess. He laughs harder, and the weirdness between us seems to melt away. The old and new versions of us fusing together. “I’ve missed you and your mind,” he says, stepping across the gap like it’s the easiest thing in the world. “I’ve missed you and your ability to take a ten-foot step,” I say as he puts me down.

“Mostly you’re the same.” “How so?” I press. His index finger traces the ledge of his lowball glass. His eyes follow the path. “You’re still passionate and courageous. Smart. Logical but imaginative at the same time.”

“Are you any different?” His eyes lift to mine, piercing me with his pinprick pupils. “Maybe in one way. But no, not really.” “Not really?” I repeat. “I thought I had changed, but I haven’t.” The edge of Grey’s lip lifts in a smirk.

Grey creates friction. “Fuck. You know I will be inside you after another thirty seconds, and I won’t give a fuck that there are a dozen other people across this pool.”

He finds my hand under the water and kisses the bottom of my palm. “But you could never be a rebound for me.”

“This isn’t what I want, Ryan. I can’t put you behind me. Ever.” I blink. “What?” “I meant it when I said I didn’t think I could ever stop loving you.”

Maybe there’s a math equation that can answer it. Like hardness divided by force: 8==/==D. Jesus. I’m like a tween boy spelling out 5318008 upside down on a calculator. Someone reel me in.

So we all had the same childhood experience? Love that.

My phone buzzes in my hand. I hate me for everything. For being in a relationship for the last four years. For feeling like I will never move. For being so physical I can’t stand long distance. I’m sorry I misread the situation. Do you hate me enough to ignore me the rest of the trip? No. I try to leave it at that, but I don’t. I slip further and text him again before he responds. I hate how much I like seeing your name on my phone screen again.

And anger isn’t apathy. Fuck, that made me so happy. I’m happy because you feel something, anything, toward me.

I can’t change into someone who doesn’t love you, because I can’t make myself want to.

“I’m sorry I didn’t love you enough. That I love you too much. I don’t even know sometimes.” I breathe in and lay my chin on his chest. “Grey, we loved each other more than we thought we were capable of. I know that.” Finally, he catches my eyes. “I don’t hate you anymore,” I whisper. Grey holds me tighter. I’m questioning now if I ever truly did.

“Why are you googling the pros and cons of living in California?” I accuse him. Grey smiles softly. His lips don’t part until he barely breathes out between them, “Because I never stop thinking about you.”

“I couldn’t go another second without kissing you,” he says in my ear, barely above a whisper. “But now I know, I’m always going to feel like that.”

Then last month, out of nowhere, she broke up with me because she said she wasn’t sure if I’d ever get over you, that she couldn’t keep competing against you. She felt it, she said, in everything I did that she wasn’t who I thought about. And when I saw you, I knew she was right. I never wanted to change. Not really. I would never have loved her as much as I love you.”

He could brand me with his lips from the heat. “I love you so much.”

His hand is back on me, fanning out across my thigh. He doesn’t open his eyes, but he rests his forehead against mine. “God, Ryan. I always will.”

I nestle my head into his neck and breathe him in. I don’t care that neither one of us has taken a shower in days. I’m going to get the best night of sleep I’ve had in six years. Grey is mine. I am his.

I attempt to push him out, but he won’t budge. He shakes his head playfully and drops his towel. My heartbeat drops to my stomach and continues downward. I’m half-tempted to just give in because I want him inside of me so badly. He smirks. “You can look at my junk all you want. It’s yours too.”

“What about this one?” I ask over my shoulder. His eyes don’t leave my ass. “Beautiful.” “Yes, Grey, these black velvet petunias are perfect for the rehearsal dinner,” I tease.

“They remind me of death. Focus.” He shrugs. “I’ll focus when it’s our wedding.” A cough gets stuck in my throat. “No, I’m lying,” he says. My throat muscles relax, thinking I must have misread his serious tone, but no. “I’ll be too busy looking at you then too.”

“Non-boyfriend to husband in less than a day? Th...

“You had a girlfriend who outlasted me. Three years is a long time. You never t...

“Never. Not once,” he says. His tone is matter-of-fact, and Grey doesn’t miss a beat. “I knew in my heart the entire time that you are the love of my life and the only person I want to call my wife. I know you don’t believe me right now, and that’s my own damn fault, but I’d marry you today if you’d say yes. I get that you don’t trust me enough yet, but I’m going to earn every ounce of it back because I’ll never let you go again. I promise you, ...

Are you going to let me come visit you in a couple months?” “Yes,” I say. “Are you going to let me come visit you?” “You can come home with me on Sunday if you want.”

And I shouldn’t be thinking about all of this right now, but I am, because it’s sort of simple. Like 1 + 1 = 2. “Why are you doing math right now?” I lift my eyes to Grey’s just as he fills me completely, and I suck in a breath. “Because I love you.”

Grey huffs into the phone, “I love you,” and thankfully as he hangs up, he spins in the opposite direction to walk out the way he came. His left foot is the last thing I can see, and just when I think I’m in the clear, it stops and backpedals. One step, two steps, and he’s staring straight at me like his sixth sense is to know I’m there. I try my best to hitch only one eyebrow for dramatic effect. “Your realtor?” “No, my dad,” he sighs. “Why are you hiding back here?” “You’re buying a house,” I say.

“You’re going to go back to Austin, and I’m going to go back to San Diego, and what are we going to do exactly?” “I’m going to go back home and see my family. I’m going to go to work. I’m going to interview for this job. I’m going to close on my house. And I’m going to miss you every fucking second. You’re going to go back home and do the job you love. You’re going to hang out with your best friends. And I hope you miss me every fucking second. But this time, we’re going to call each other, FaceTime, text each other. I’m going to fly to see you, you’re going to fly to see me. And we’re going to love each other, Ryan. It’s pretty simple really.”

“Can you stop being annoyingly you for like two seconds?” I ask. “And stop tricking me into loving you while you’re at it.

“You are repeating history if you are seriously entertaining the idea of dating Joey again,” he accuses me. “What?” “Joey. Was that the ex-boyfriend who doesn’t fight with you correctly?” I narrow my eyes. Grey widens his. He knew the whole time and didn’t even react. He’s such a non-asshole.

“I know you love me, and I know I can’t make you do anything, so fine. I’m not sure anyone really gets to choose who they love, but we do get to choose how we love. All I can do right now is make you see that this time I’m choosing differently. So have your doubts. Walk away tonight and think we’re not together. I don’t care about being your boyfriend right now. It doesn’t have to ‘be like that’. I’ll just show you how much I mean it when I say that as long as you want me around, I’m here. Where I live and what I do for a living will not change that. No matter how much you think it will.”

It’s Grey plus Ryan times love to the like equals forever. You can’t argue with math.”

Any chance you’re awake at 5:56 a.m.? My phone buzzes within ten seconds. I haven’t been able to sleep past five all week because I’ve been so eager to see you every day, so yes, wide awake.

So yeah, I could live without Grey—the thing is I just plain don’t want to. I want to be with him every step of the way, in the same city or not, because he’s part of my family too. He makes my life better, even when I’m ruining your wedding week. I don’t even know how to explain how deeply I love him because I can’t make an equation out of him in my mind.”

My chest tightens, panic is clenching around my lungs so tightly I can’t breathe. “Who has an inhaler?” Grey laughs at me in my time of need. “You don’t have asthma.” I glare at him. “This is all your fault.” “I think I just heard you say it was yours,” he says, raising his eyebrows in surprise.