Dear Ana

by I.I.E.

They had it all wrong, though. It wasn’t cute when I had to brush my teeth for double the amount of time just to make up for my lack of oral hygiene the night before. It wasn’t quirky when I could barely bring myself to scrub away the grime left over from all the food and bacteria in my mouth before it rotted my gums. It wasn’t special when I could scarcely get myself to take a fucking shower even when it’d been a week since the last one, and my hair was a knotted bird's nest hidden under naturally hectic curls and a shit ton of coconut scented dry shampoo. And then after I finally managed to drag my body into the tub, I couldn’t get myself back out until eventually, the water would shrink me into the pruned version of a corpse. That was the only part of it I liked. When the cascading water withered me into a raisin and suddenly I felt small and weightless and it was easier to carry myself upwards . . . but that feeling was always fleeting. The same could be said about every other basic human necessity. Everything that was supposed to be simple suddenly turned into a draining and time consuming task.

“You seem like a decent person, Noah, so I’m going to use my one minute to give you a disclaimer about what it’s like being friends with me. I’m not fine, excellent, top-notch, or exceptionally fucking splendid. I could lift a semi-truck over my head with all the effort it takes for me to get through what should be an effortless day. My brain is a menace and gets triggered by the most minuscule occurrences. Don’t bother asking me what’s wrong because I won’t tell you.” I paused, giving him an out, but he stayed put. “My social battery is extremely limited. We could be in the middle of a conversation and I will literally just stop talking. I cancel plans last minute. I always say the wrong things. I’m awkward and quiet and honestly, Noah, I’m just a really sad girl.” I exhaled deeply, instantly regretting my unexpected honesty, humoring this ridiculous conversation, accepting his offer to have coffee and, most importantly, not racing through that red light yesterday. “So, no disrespect, but I think your theory has actually been proven to be extremely flawed. Lucky for you, there are one point two million people in this city. One point two million opportunities to test your theory on someone who isn’t a complete mess and get a better outcome.”

“Intellectually stimulating?” I repeated with a chuckle. “My favorite book series is Twilight. Which was very stimulating, just not intellectually.” “Oh God,” he groaned. “You were one of those girls?” “No,” I replied. “I still am one of those girls. Present tense, Noah.”

“You,” he said fiercely, “are not defined by the things that happened to you. You are defined by the things you made happen despite them.”

“That’s life, Maya! It’s filled with tests and hardships that should have made you strong, but instead, you’re choosing to run away.” “That should’ve made me strong?” I repeated in disbelief. “Am I supposed to thank Mikhail for trying to make me strong? Am I supposed to be grateful for surviving him? I was a child; why did I need to be strong?” I asked with genuine curiosity. “I know he’s your son and you were just trying to protect him and yourselves from getting sucked into the system, but what about me? Why didn’t you notice how his behavior was affecting me? Why didn’t you try to protect me?”

“One day you’re going to love every single part that makes you, you. But until then, I’ll happily love you enough for the both of us. I’ll love you enough to fill a billion hearts.” He kissed me gently. “The parts you hate will always receive an infinite amount of love from me, Maya.”