Dear Ana

by I.I.E.

“Fine. It’s such a filler word. It doesn’t mean anything, you know?” he sighed and leaned against the doorframe. “There are so many other adjectives that could be used to better describe how you’re feeling––excellent, top-notch, exceptionally splendid. Saying you’re fine is basically like saying you’re nothing.”

“My social battery is extremely limited. We could be in the middle of a conversation, and I will literally just stop talking. I cancel plans last minute. I always say the wrong things. I’m awkward and quiet and honestly, Noah, I’m just a really sad girl.”

“Humor is a textbook self-defense mechanism.”

“They,” he repeated firmly. “Them, he, she, it. The person who told you that you couldn’t be loved without restrictions or limitations. They’re wrong.”

“Thank you for giving me the moments that you did. I’m not going to pressure you, but if you ever find yourself willing to try to make another choice...choose me. Try with me. I’ll be your stranger, or your acquaintance, or your friend...I’ll be your anything, Maya. I’ll wait, no matter how much you don’t want me to. And if this isn’t something you end up wanting...” He looked at me sadly. “I hope you can heal from the things that are silently tearing you apart. I hope you can find happiness.”

“Chocolate chip banana bread,” he corrected. “From scratch. I seem to remember this being someone’s favorite baked good.”

“I’m tired,” I whispered, the exhaustion suddenly hitting me like a tsunami. “Okay, go to sleep.” No, Mama, I wanted to say, I’m tired, I’m tired, I’M SO TIRED––

“Alone is the only way I know how to live.”

“There’s so much I wish I could say, but I don’t know how to, because no one has ever asked. No one ever wanted to know about my pain and now...the words are poison on my tongue, Noah. The memories are acid in my brain and I––” I swallowed back the lump in my throat. “Nothing good ever came from talking, so I just stayed quiet. Now I only know how to be silent.”

“You’re going to be okay too, I promise. And this is a promise that I will never break.” He was wrong. A soul could only hold on for so long before it eventually let go and ceased to exist...but I nodded anyway. He didn’t need to know he was holding onto a corpse.

“You are an incredibly well-spoken woman, Maya, but I swear sometimes you say the weirdest stuff and I love it. I can listen to you talk nonsense for all hours of the day and never get sick of it. You told me once that getting to know you was work, and you were right. It’s the dream job I never knew I needed to have, and I’ll willingly do it free of charge, for the rest of my life.”

I chose my parents every time, but they always chose him.

“So...if you’re better than okay, why did you call?” He was silent for a moment before speaking softly, a gentle caress against my ear. “You told me that I could.” Someone finally chose me.

And then he smiled so big and so bright––how I imagined the sun would smile at the midnight sky in the alternate universe they got to exist simultaneously––and

A bouquet of all my favorite book quotes.

“I wanted to get you flowers, as they’re a first date rite of passage, but I didn’t want to get you real ones because I knew they would eventually die.” I looked up at him and he was staring at me intensely. “I don’t want what we have to ever die, Maya.”

“Just because you’re easily pleased, doesn’t mean you deserve anything less than everything.”

You could never feel even an ounce of the amount of hatred that I already feel for myself.”

“I understand, okay? I understand why you never told me. I am so sorry for how I reacted. I am so sorry for everything, but you’re safe now, baby, I promise. I’m never going to let that piece of crap hurt you ever again.”

“You are my miracle, Noah Davidson. My heart used to form a new crack every day I woke up and realized that I was still alive––” I leaned in closer, not breaking away from his endearing stare. “Although it’s borrowed, fractured, and imperfect...my heart is still completely and undeniably yours.”

“I’ll be your everything,” he vowed fiercely. “I’ll stay on the phone with you all night until you fall asleep, okay?”

“Did you know that whales don’t die of old age?” I asked. “They don’t?” “No. Eventually, they get tired of swimming back up for air, so they drown themselves,” I said quietly. “I don’t know how to swim, Noah. I don’t know how to swim, and I’m tired of trying to struggle back up for air. I’m so tired.”

Suffering is hard, but healing is much harder. You don’t realize when you’re living in it, but suffering is an addiction. The human body can only live in fight or flight mode for so long before that becomes your default mode. Our bodies are designed to keep us alive throughout any and all circumstances, so if you’re trapped in a toxic environment, eventually your body will learn to adapt. All the organs and systems that work hard to make us function every day get so attuned to the chaos, that they’ll ultimately start to use that pain as sustenance and ammunition to survive. So what happens when it all disappears? What happens when you take away your body’s main source of fuel and energy? The answer is simple: it will start to decompose and subsequently go into withdrawal.

You were my soulmate in this life, and you will be in every life that comes after. I’ll meet you on the other side my love, but until then...I’ll see you when I wake up at sunrise to say good morning, and then again as the sun sets when you say goodnight. Pinky Promise. –Forever, your Noah