Dear Ana

by I.I.E.

Yes, you saved my life. But you saved my life when I didn’t want it to be saved. 3

She continued to analyze my face carefully but didn’t say anything. She didn’t comment on my frizzy and tangled hair. She didn’t question the scratch on my eyebrow that was bleeding. She didn’t ask why I was shaking and crying and kept jumping in fright at every noise. I know she noticed, but she just never asked.

no words

Which brings us back to today. Three years later. On my way back home after months in the hospital. I’ll let you know when he strikes again.

I could lift a semi-truck over my head with all the effort it takes for me to get through what should be an effortless day.

Overdosing was clean. Simple.

bruh

“My favorite book series is Twilight. Which was very stimulating, just not intellectually.” “Oh God,” he groaned. “You were one of those girls?” “No,” I replied. “I still am one of those girls. Present tense, Noah.”

I glanced at him when he didn’t respond, and Noah was smiling brightly. “What?” I demanded. “You called me your friend.”

“You’re pretty,” he pressed on. “Effortlessly, painlessly, fluently pretty.” Thump, thump––

Are you really so cruel a sister? Is your heart truly this black?”

is this actually real wtf

“I want to be so much more than just your friend, Maya. I want to hold all your deepest secrets in my heart. I want to spend all my seconds of the day with you.

“I’d give anything to know what it’s like to wake up and feel rested. To wake up and not think again? I have to do this all again? To wake up and not have to walk on eggshells around my own mind. To wake up and feel like I’m not just surviving, but living.”

“Thank you for giving me the moments that you did. I’m not going to pressure you, but if you ever find yourself willing to try to make another choice . . . choose me. Try with me. I’ll be your stranger, or your acquaintance, or your friend . . . I’ll be your anything, Maya. I’ll wait, no matter how much you don’t want me to. And if this isn’t something you end up wanting . . .” He looked at me sadly. “I hope you can heal from the things that are silently tearing you apart. I hope you can find happiness.”

“Your best is more than enough for me, Maya.”

“I don’t want you to see me like this.” “See you like what?” I asked, confused. “See you sad?” “No,” he scoffed. “See me angry. I’m not sad that my piece of shit father died, I’m fucking pissed.” “Then be angry. I don’t understand why I need to leave––” “Do you think I don’t notice every time you flinch?”

He didn’t need to know he was holding onto a corpse.

“So . . . if you’re better than okay, why did you call?” He was silent for a moment before speaking softly, a gentle caress against my ear. “You told me that I could.” Someone finally chose me.

“I wanted to get you flowers, as they’re a first date rite of passage, but I didn’t want to get you real ones because I knew they would eventually die.” I looked up at him and he was staring at me intensely. “I don’t want what we have to ever die, Maya.”

“Just because you’re easily pleased, doesn’t mean you deserve anything less than everything.”

“Actually, don’t even bother getting in line. You could never feel even an ounce of the amount of hatred that I already feel for myself.”

I don’t hate you for fuck’s sake, I’m in love with you!” My breath seized in my throat at his words, and I shook my head. “No, you’re not, Noah. Not after everything I did. Not after everything you know.” His eyes narrowed. “I love you, Maya.” You will never be loved, Maya. “I love you,” he repeated louder. You’re going to live the rest of your life alone. He grabbed my face in his hands, forcing its movements to a halt. “I love you.” You will never be loved, Maya. “Maya,” he pleaded. “I love you.”

“You are my miracle, Noah Davidson.

My name, right there, over his heart. It was small, and I could barely see it through the water and my blurry vision but it was real, inscribed between two interlocked pinkies. An infinite and irreversible promise.

You are the sunshine that my roots need in order to grow. You are the water that my core needs in order to survive, Maya, and I’m not going to let anything or anyone take you away from me.”

“Is it such a crime to want people to care about me just as much as I care about them?” I asked quietly. “Even if I care way too much?”

“My entire being aches for you in your absence. My heart beats your name against my chest with a heightened sense of desperation, and it can only be soothed by the tantalizing flavor of your presence in the air.”

All I wanted was a drop of love, but he gave me an entire rainstorm. All I wanted was a single star to wish on, but he offered me the entire fucking galaxy and then helped me make each of them come true.

“Maybe you can start with planting strawberries,” he suggests after a moment. “It’s my favorite kind of jam.”