Dear Ana

by I.I.E.

angry people always start by hitting things around you before ultimately hitting you

Family. Over. Everything.

“My social battery is extremely limited. We could be in the middle of a conversation and I will literally just stop talking. I cancel plans last minute. I always say the wrong things. I’m awkward and quiet and honestly, Noah, I’m just a really sad girl.”

I can’t protect myself, Ana, but maybe I can protect her.

“Hiding isn’t a talent. It’s just a delay on something that’s destined to happen.”

“Who made it a rule that family can get a free pass to treat you however the fuck they want to and you just have to accept it and move on.”

I only held his finger for a second, but it was enough. A second was all it took to wonder if I could be touched by a man without being in pain. If I could be ignited into flames without being burned to ashes in the process.

“Fictional men are definitely the standard, but it was the unconditional and irrevocable love concept that gripped my attention.”

I glanced at him when he didn’t respond, and Noah was smiling brightly. “What?” I demanded. “You called me your friend.”

“You’re pretty,” he pressed on. “Effortlessly, painlessly, fluently pretty.”

“Men don’t want unpredictable. They want easily controlled, and someone willing to accept the bare minimum.”

You got blamed when you fought back. You got blamed when you didn’t speak up sooner. You got blamed for being too sensitive. Too dramatic. Too emotional. You got blamed when the situation you described wasn’t common or ideal.

“There’s always something, Noah. There’s always going to be something that you can’t forgive, or look past.”

“Sometimes you don’t even know what it is that made them change their mind––that made them decide to hate you––but it always happens.”

Promises . . . they were like threads. One hard yank from both directions and it would break in half. In this case, I was holding both ends.

Life becomes so much more peaceful once you detach yourself from the truth, Ana.

My once opaque lies were suddenly becoming translucent.

“I want to be with you through everything. The good and the bad.”

“I’d give anything to know what it’s like to wake up and feel rested. To wake up and not think again? I have to do this all again? To wake up and not have to walk on eggshells around my own mind. To wake up and feel like I’m not just surviving, but living.”

I am the damaged and emotionally unstable girl that will drain you with all her endless problems until you can’t take it anymore and leave.”

“You can’t try to fix me without getting broken in the process.”

“Sometimes things don’t get better––at least not for everyone. Sometimes things only get worse.”

“Life is short, Maya. Life is short and it sucks ninety-nine percent of the time, but that other one percent can be so bright and wonderful that it’ll make the rest of it durable.”

“Thank you for giving me the moments that you did. I’m not going to pressure you, but if you ever find yourself willing to try to make another choice . . . choose me. Try with me. I’ll be your stranger, or your acquaintance, or your friend . . . I’ll be your anything, Maya. I’ll wait, no matter how much you don’t want me to. And if this isn’t something you end up wanting .

“I hope you can heal from the things that are silently tearing you apart. I hope you can find happiness.”

I lived my whole life treading water. Always on the verge of drowning, with only enough legroom to keep my mouth barely above the surface. I could breathe, but only if I didn’t let my guard crumble. Only if I spent every second fighting with gravity trying to drag me down. Only if I used every ounce of strength wrestling with the weight of the world on my shoulders, and with all the people in my life who were trying to pull me under.

“Just because I like it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t drive me insane.”

“If I can guarantee you anything, it’s that I will never stop driving you insane.”

“Insanity with you is the only sane thing I’ve ever wanted,” he replied. “Hug me. Please.”

“When everything starts to feel like too much . . . or when you wake up one day and wish that you didn’t . . . don’t go silent. Don’t push me away. Just tell me. I promise I won’t ask questions and that I’ll always respect your privacy, but please don’t disappear on me. I can’t think properly or go about my day if I don’t know you’re okay.”

“I noticed. I will always notice. I can’t just not see you anymore. Promise me.”

“Your best is more than enough for me, Maya.”

Yes, I know not all men, but just one man can ruin it for you, Ana.

“It’s a crime what you’re doing to me, Maya.” “What am I doing?” “Thinking but never sharing.” He narrowed his eyes. “It’s selfish.”

His voice was light and his smile was bright, but his eyes. His eyes were hurt.

My parents had such high hopes and standards for me that I just couldn’t live up to. I want more for myself and for my family, but I just don’t know how to do it. I am their wallet. I am supposed to be their retirement fund, but I just don’t know how to––”

“Sometimes you can’t put yourself first. Sometimes you have to sacrifice the things you want for the things other people need. Sometimes there is no way out,”

“Alone is the only way I know how to live.”

How much I wanted to finally break down and let go of all the gut-wrenching burdens that had rested on my shoulders for what felt like an eternity, but I couldn’t.

The comfort of having Noah’s understating was fleeting. It only lasted a minute before Ana’s thumps reigned my guilt back in at full force, dragging me into the deepest trenches of hell.

If only this was the most dec...

“Do you think I don’t notice every time you flinch?”

“Do you think I don’t notice every time you jump at a sudden noise? Or when you cringe away from someone––a man––stepping too close to you?”

Sometimes it was quiet. Sometimes it was clawing and begging and roaring to come out. Sometimes I let it.

That’s the thing about sometimes, though. Sometimes couldn’t last forever––not really. It eventually had to stop being sometimes. It eventually had to fall back into never or transform into always. Was my sometimes anger slowly transforming into an always anger?

“How long until you’ll be able to tell me? Is it going to be forever? Are you going to keep hiding everything forever? Because I can’t do this forever, Maya. I can’t keep watching you hurt alone forever.”

“But maybe talking wasn’t the problem. Maybe it was the people you were choosing to listen.”

“Besides, I like the mess we made in the bookstore. It gives it character.”

You told me once that getting to know you was work, and you were right. It’s the dream job I never knew I needed to have and I’ll willingly do it free of charge, for the rest of my life.”

“So . . . if you’re better than okay, why did you call?” He was silent for a moment before speaking softly, a gentle caress against my ear. “You told me that I could.”