Eleven Eleven

by Micalea Smeltzer

“Don’t overthink it. Everything is temporary anyway. Me. You. The stars in the sky. We’re all just a blip. Take the risk. I’m worth your while.”

It wasn’t my fault—my inability to get pregnant or stay pregnant—but that doesn’t make the losses easier to cope with. It’s impossible to be prepared for the anger that comes when one’s body commits such a betrayal, when it refuses to participate in what’s seemingly the most basic experience a woman goes through.

The old Via would’ve never spoken with her mouth full of food, but the new Via gives no fucks. It’s refreshing.

I’m cautious when I talk to her about our parents. Her upbringing with them was vastly different from mine. I was—am—the oldest. The pressure is different.

“I can fuck you better than my dad ever could.”

“I wanted to fuck you so bad the other night,” he confesses, his voice husky. His lips skim over mine for the briefest of moments. “Spank your ass raw for going on a date with my dad.” “I-I didn’t know.” A small cry escapes me when he rocks his thick erection against me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I’d give anything for our clothes to slip away. “Unknowingly or not, I want to mark you so you remember which Crawford you belong to.”

He lets himself out but stops and turns just over the threshold. “Oh.” “Yeah?” “The painting above your couch?” His lips tick almost imperceptibly, like he wants to smile but is trying not to. My stomach twists and my face heats, but I school my expression and clear my throat. “What about it?” He full-blown grins then. Dammit. I wrap my arms around myself, knowing I’ve been caught. “Your dress looked great on my floor. Night, Via.”

“You can talk about him. I don’t mind. He’s in your past, and I fully plan on being your future.”

But I’m not sleeping with you tonight.” I put my own plate down and join her. She looks over at me, brows drawn in offense. “Why not?” “Because I don’t want to have to tell our future kids that I fucked their mom on the first date.”

smile. “It’s easy to think that everyone but you has their shit together, but we’re all out here winging it. Even at my age.”

“I’m pretty sure you want to be more than my friend, Reid.” “That’s true.” There’s that chuckle again. “But it takes a good friendship to establish a solid foundation. I don’t want to only be your lover. I want to be your person. The one you go to first. The one you think of when you wake up. The one … just the one.”

When she gives another small sniffle, I can’t fucking take it. In three quick steps, I cross the short distance between us and wrap my arms around her. With a shaky sigh, she tucks her head beneath my chin, letting me hold her. “There are lots of ways to have kids, Via. Even if you didn’t want them at all, it wouldn’t be a deal-breaker.” I cradle her face in my hands, urging her to look in my eyes and see how serious I am. “I like that you’re thinking that far into our future.” I can’t help but grin.

“We haven’t said what yet? I love you?” When she presses her lips together, I know I’m right. “I’m not going to give you those words yet. Not when I know they’d scare you. But Via?” I bring my lips to the shell of her ear. “When you are ready, I’m going to say it over and over again until the day I die, and I’m going to show you with my body exactly what it means to me.”

You can’t take away something that doesn’t exist. But you?” I stroke my thumbs against the soft skin of her cheeks. “You are right here. You are tangible. If you walk away from me, I would lose you. Don’t you see that?”

I’ve never felt possessive before, but right now, I feel like I have those seagulls from Finding Nemo, shouting mine, mine, mine in my head.