Theoretically Straight

by Amy Bailey

I’m beginning to wonder if becoming an adult—particularly a Christian adult—will primarily consist of feeling guilty all the time.

“I realized that a boy I thought was flirting with me at school was really just existing near me while not actively trying to assault me. A common mistake.”

that actually is a very common mistake yeah

And that’s what I keep–oh, sorry, man.” He stops, scratching the back of his head as he looks down at the table. “I get really passionate about this kind of stuff. I didn’t mean to rant at you.”

noo keep going you autistic king!!

“Sometimes it’s easier to tell things to a stranger.” “But you’re not a stranger. At least, you don’t feel like one.” He makes a face. “Never mind, I’m not making any sense.” “I think I get it, don’t worry. But if I’m not a stranger anymore, then what am I to you?” Something flashes behind his dark brown eyes, but it vanishes just as quickly. “A friend. If that’s okay with you, I mean.” I swallow back the squeal that bubbles up in my throat. “Sure. Friends it is.”

Great. This is why I only have four friends. I should’ve quit while I was ahead.

The question, the realization, the dread of what I may or may not have just discovered is threatening to pull me under very quickly.

All I want is to be friends with Caleb and for my friends to be friends with Caleb. Why does it have to be complicated? This is why I don’t make new friends.

I get you gayass

But is it in an “I like hanging out with you, bro” way or an “I want to hold your hand and maybe make out with you in the basement” kind of way?

why not both

I keep thinking if I hang around long enough, the ghosts will just accept me as one of their own. Then I can stop having to worry about college applications.”

“Because you only watch anime and troll AO3,”

that sounds great what are you on about

Elise talks about gay anime and fanfiction all the time.

what else is there to talk about

Mom always tells me how I’ve never met a stranger, that I can always find something in common with anyone I meet,

I can’t be gay. It’s not an option. It’s never been an option. I’ve never considered the possibility of it being an option. I can’t be gay. I’m straight. I’ve only ever liked girls. I’ve only ever been with a girl. If I was gay, wouldn’t I know by now? I’m seventeen, and I’ve never been attracted to a boy until now. That has to mean something, right? I can’t be gay. I’m—I’m a Christian. It’s supposed to be a sin, isn’t it? Immediately, my stomach twists with that familiar icy guilt, shame washing over me in waves. How big of a sin is kissing a boy, anyway?

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Before meeting you, I never even thought it was possible for me to… feel like this. It was never an option. So, I’ve been wracking my brain trying to explain what changed.”

“I’m fucking scared. How can I go my entire life thinking of myself as one way, and it completely changes overnight? What happens if I wake up a year from now and I’m this entirely different person? How messed up is it if I don’t even know who I am?”

maybe it’s not that you’re a different person or somehow changed radically overnight. Maybe it’s more like you’ve found something that’s been there the whole time but socked away. People can’t possibly know every detail about themselves, especially at our age. I mean, hell, I just found out I like Brussels sprouts, and I’ve been alive for almost seventeen years.”

Where to next? Eileen can take us anywhere you want to go within the city limits of Specter, as I’m pretty sure we both have 10 PM curfews.” “Eileen?” Caleb raises an eyebrow. “You named your car Eileen?” I laugh. “Yep. After the infamous Dexys Midnight Runners song, of course.” He stares at me with the same confused expression. “‘Come On Eileen’?”

iconic

“I don’t exactly know what that makes me, other than not one hundred percent straight, I guess,” I continue. “I’ve decided it’s a lot easier if I don’t put a label on it yet. But you’re my best friend, and I wanted you to know first. Well, I guess Caleb kind of found out first. He kind of figured it out before I did. Which makes sense because he’s gay, so he’s got a better eye for this kind of thing. But I don’t think I’m technically gay because I still like girls and find lots of them attractive. I find a lot of people attractive, really, but I didn’t realize that what I felt towards some guys was…attraction? Until spending time with Caleb made it really freakin’ obvious because literally all I ever want to do is hold his hand and touch his hair and kiss his face and–sorry, that’s TMI. But yeah, that’s never happened to me before, you know? And I just–I don’t know, but I–I wanted you to know because you’re my best friend, and it’s important.”

“I’m not gonna tell Mom or Dad or Grace. I won’t tell anyone if you’re still keeping it a secret. Dante wanted to keep it a secret for a while, so I know what it’s like. I just wanted to let you know in case that’s why you didn’t want me to ride with you to the fair today. You don’t have to hide it from me because I already know, and I don’t care. You can kiss or hug or hold hands or whatever. It doesn’t bother me. And I won’t tell anyone.”

I see gay people at school, on TV, and in movies all the time. I know at church, they act like it’s wrong, but I think that’s dumb. You can’t help who you like. Why should people be weird about it?”

There is not a single doubt in my mind that I’m in love with Caleb Raynard.

you've known him for like less than a month

For weeks, I’ve been living in fear of the wrong person seeing me with Caleb. For weeks, I’ve been too afraid to even hold hands with my own boyfriend in public. For weeks, we have deprived ourselves of even the smallest displays of affection around people. All those weeks of caution, all those moments of self-control and restraint, all of it has been for nothing because I just ruined everything.

“How long have you been…bisexual? When did you–when did you decide that?” A nervous laugh escapes out of me. “I didn’t decide to be bisexual, Mom,” I say with a shrug. “I just am. You know me. I would never choose to be something that broke any rules.” “Then, why?” she asks suddenly, almost desperately. My mouth hangs open as I continue shaking my head. “Why? Wh-What do you mean ‘why’? Why are you attracted to men, Mom? Why were you attracted to Dad and not some girl?” I run a hand through my hair, frustrated that I have to explain this to someone else when I barely understand it myself. “I don’t know why. I didn’t have a choice, I didn’t want this, it just…is.”

“I think I’ve been bisexual all along. There just wasn’t a boy I really liked until Caleb. But now, looking back, a lot of things make sense, you know? Like, remember when I got really obsessed with Sufjan Stevens a few years ago, and I couldn’t stop watching his live performances on YouTube? I thought it was just because of his music, but–” I stop myself and shake my head again. “N-Nevermind, that’s probably TMI. The point is, I’ve been bi all along, but something about being around Caleb made me…realize it, I guess.”

Before I can think, my lips are on his, and I feel that smile spread against my skin, morphing, changing into something more, something sacred in this dilapidated place of worship. It’s the closest thing I’ve ever felt to a spiritual experience. And when Theo pulls away from me, the electricity he leaves on my lips surges through my veins. And when he kisses me again, this time with an open mouth and hot breath, and an urgency that doesn’t scare me but shakes me to my very core–I want nothing else in this world. Only him. Only Theo.

Well, there you have it, folks! Let it never be said that you can’t find love in a haunted basement!” I laugh. It’s not a fake laugh for the camera, either—it’s real, uninhibited, wholehearted laughter bursting out of me, and it feels incredible. It’s euphoric. Cathartic. Ridiculous. It’s all so silly, so absurd. But that’s exactly what happened, isn’t it? I found love in a haunted basement. And I’ll never be the same again.

“I may not understand it yet, but I am trying. I’ve been reading the material that Grace gave me, by the way, and it’s giving me a lot to think about. But more importantly, you’re my son. My Theo. And if being with Caleb makes you happy, I’m not going to stand in your way.”

This kiss is softer, gentler, and less heated than the kisses from earlier, but if I’m honest, it’s my favorite kind of kiss. Unexpected, but welcome. Electrifying, but in the best way. The sweetest surprise that I never knew I needed. Just like Caleb.