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I’m beginning to wonder if becoming an adult—particularly a Christian adult—will primarily consist of feeling guilty all the time.
“Right, all I’m saying is that I don’t want to see tiddies for the sake of tiddies. Give me tiddies with backstory. Tiddies with heart. Fully-developed-as-characters tiddies. I think I just really enjoy saying the word ‘tiddies.’”
“I realized that a boy I thought was flirting with me at school was really just existing near me while not actively trying to assault me. A common mistake.”
“It’s not fair. Why am I only interested in the boys who can never like me back? It’s like a curse. I’m forever doomed to unrequited crushes.”
“You may be too young now, but at some point, you’re going to face a moment where you have to choose to fight for what matters to you. You won’t want to ‘suck it up’. You won’t want to compromise. You won’t care about keeping the peace. If you believe in something enough, it won’t even be a question in your mind: you’ll fight for it.”
I laugh at an awkwardly loud volume. Shi–crap, that was too loud. Now it’s weird. Now he’s going to think I’m uncomfortable. Why would I be uncomfortable? Because I’m secretly gay or something? Obviously, I’m not, but even if I was, Oliver wouldn’t care if I was gay—none of my friends would.
This is it. I’m going to be the one yelled at this morning. I’m going to get grounded. Dad’s going to take my phone away and never let me make another TikTok again. He’s going to take the keys to Eileen away. He and Mom are going to drag me to our pastor and have him exorcize the demons out of me. Maybe he should. Maybe I deserve it. I’m the one who broke the rules. I’m the one that messed with forces I didn’t understand. I’m the one–
The question, the realization, the dread of what I may or may not have just discovered is threatening to pull me under very quickly.
Maybe… Maybe we should only hold hands in secret, then. Just in case someone gets the wrong idea and thinks we’re doing something wrong. Because we’re not doing anything wrong. And if we’re not doing anything wrong, then what’s the risk? And if there’s no risk, what am I so afraid of?
It’s enough. I’ll take it.
But is it in an “I like hanging out with you, bro” way or an “I want to hold your hand and maybe make out with you in the basement” kind of way?
or the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles every time I walk into the freaking room,
He has a lot of freckles. So many little freckles… They remind me of stars in the night sky.
It’s actually really cute, and I can’t stop myself from picturing myself doing the same thing if Caleb was on a tube. Shit.
“I’m fucking scared. How can I go my entire life thinking of myself as one way, and it completely changes overnight?
Caleb grins, sly and skeptical at first, but then I start belting out the lyrics in a remarkably bad British pop accent, and it’s not long before he’s laughing. His laughter makes my chest swell, and it’s by far the best music I’ve heard all day.
“I want him to worry about figuring out his own stuff first. Then we can talk about what the two of us are doing.”
There is not a single doubt in my mind that I’m in love with Caleb Raynard.
“I love him, and I don’t want to lose him. Please don’t take him from me.”