Theoretically Straight

by Amy Bailey

Sundays are my least favorite day of the week, and I feel extremely guilty about it. It’s not that I don’t love my church. Church is a lot like extended family members—I’ve known them my whole life, and I’m supposed to love them, so I do. They might not always be the most interesting and exciting people to be around, but they’re your family. It would be wrong not to love them, right?

“This will be the year,” Wren says, backing up their pep talk with a pitying hand pat. “You’ll find your perfect, moody boyfriend and drag him into our friend group like a demon dragging an innocent soul through the gates of hell.”

“There’s something you’re not telling me,” she says finally. “And look, I get it if you don’t want to tell me. I can’t force the truth out of you. But you need to know that I’m here for you if you need someone to talk to, okay?” I nod and offer her the most genuine smile I can muster. “I know.” “Also,” she reaches out and touches my hand. “I need you to know that there’s nothing wrong with you.” I stare back at her and feign confusion. “W-What?” “There’s nothing wrong with you. No matter who you like. Okay?”

It was never the orbs. It wasn’t a dark spirit or some ghost bullshit that I so desperately tried to believe in. Of course it wasn’t. Now that I know what this is… What am I supposed to do? I can’t be gay. It’s not an option. It’s never been an option. I’ve never considered the possibility of it being an option. I can’t be gay. I’m straight. I’ve only ever liked girls. I’ve only ever been with a girl. If I was gay, wouldn’t I know by now? I’m seventeen, and I’ve never been attracted to a boy until now. That has to mean something, right? I can’t be gay. I’m—I’m a Christian. It’s supposed to be a sin, isn’t it?

Then there was the TikTok dance. Holding his hands in mine, our feet stumbling over each other until suddenly I was on the ground and Caleb was on top of me, our faces mere inches apart… If I’m honest with myself, I knew what I wanted at that moment. I knew what we both wanted. But I stayed in denial. Denial was safe. Denial was predictable. If nothing is happening, then everything is fine, right?

For now, the only people who know what happened tonight are Caleb and me. And I, for one, would like to keep it that way. Denial has worked well enough so far; maybe it can protect me until Grace comes home this weekend. That’s fine. This is fine. Everything is fine. As long as I can stay as far away from Caleb as physically possible.

“I’m fucking scared. How can I go my entire life thinking of myself as one way, and it completely changes overnight? What happens if I wake up a year from now and I’m this entirely different person? How messed up is it if I don’t even know who I am?”

“I’m still working through everything,” Theo says, leaning closer to me again. “So, thanks for being patient with me. It’s probably going to take a little while for me to come up with a final answer, but for now, I’m trying to put all that aside because what I feel for you is stronger than anything I’ve felt in a church.”

Then, why?” she asks suddenly, almost desperately. My mouth hangs open as I continue shaking my head. “Why? Wh-What do you mean ‘why’? Why are you attracted to men, Mom? Why were you attracted to Dad and not some girl?” I run a hand through my hair, frustrated that I have to explain this to someone else when I barely understand it myself. “I don’t know why. I didn’t have a choice, I didn’t want this, it just…is.”