Beautiful Sinner

by Sara Cate

I am never alone. The thought makes my skin crawl. It doesn’t just sound boring as fuck, but it’s terrifying. What am I going to find if I look in the mirror? What will I find out about myself if I spend the next two weeks alone? What if I can’t stand myself?

I fall in love too easily...is that such a bad thing?

Probably wouldn’t hurt for me to stop in there. That’s if I don’t burst into flames when I pass the doorway. I’m not a religious person. I don’t even know if I believe in God, but I bet it’s nice to have faith in something. Maybe if I had unwavering belief that God was by my side, I wouldn’t feel so fucking alone all the time.

“I don’t care about the pay. I don’t need it. I would just rather do anything in the world than go home to my boring life without a future. Anything.”

I dated and even fell in love in my twenties—when I was her age, and it always left me feeling empty and unfulfilled.

I find myself wanting to push her boundaries a little more and more just to see how far I can take it. But even I know how dangerous a game like that is. I hear the warnings in my head. I just choose to ignore them.

I was purposefully putting myself in the path of rejection, just for fun. What kind of masochistic shit is that?

I keep my drinking slow. Last time I pounded back the beers, I tried to makeout with the one guy I’m not allowed to makeout with.

Hannah doesn't look any less interested now that she knows this, which doesn’t surprise me. That’s what women do. We go after the ones we can’t have. It’s a game to us.

Like a cilice around my waist, I make myself listen to what I can’t have. It feels like knives in my stomach, and it only feeds the rage boiling inside of me.

I give my heart too easily, and I’ll probably never have enough faith in myself to break that habit.

“You know that’s not true, Cadence. I tried to stay away from you. You know as well as I do that I do fucking own you.”

What my mom said was true; I do give too much to others, but she doesn’t understand that this is what I want. More than anything in the world, I want to give myself to someone who makes me feel loved. Callum does that. I’ve made mistakes in the past, and I know what they feel like. This doesn’t feel like a mistake. It feels like providence.

I don’t want to take his life from him. He doesn’t want to take mine from me. But at the moment, we can’t live without each other.

For the first time in a long time, the reflection doesn’t repulse me. It feels right.

We were both so lost. But we’re not anymore.