Four Weekends and a Funeral

by Ellie Palmer

The guilt that—after a second chance had been plopped in my lap—I was going to go back to being just plain me.

Adam’s body is muscled in the way men are when they develop strength through chopping wood in the forest. And now I’m imagining Adam chopping wood in the forest.

But I can’t help but stare. Adam Berg has a phenomenal walk.

I feel a tug under my ribs. Is that my heart? Did that just literally tug at my heartstrings?

“I don’t think you’re boring.” His sincerity does something to my stomach. “Well, that’s just a blatant lie.” “I don’t.” “My whole ‘talking thing’?” “It’s certainly not boring.”

He tilts his head lazily to look down at me. It’s cute. Adam is suddenly extremely cute to me. It’s staggering.

7:10 AM Alison: Anybody could have sent me a Ha! 7:12 AM Chelsea: But you’re not crowdsourcing your flirty response to a Ha from just anybody.

“Why can’t I look at your lips?” Because then I’ll look at your lips, and I’ll wonder what they feel like. I’ll wonder if you’re picturing the same thing, and this harmless attraction will stop feeling harmless.

I wanted to hear your voice, I imagine him saying in his low, gruff way and instantly shiver.

Delulu

Maybe, if I knew what it felt like to have him touch me—really touch me—I’d stop obsessing over the unknown.

I can’t stand to hear about some perfect girl for Adam that isn’t me—yet

I’ve nearly lost myself in the simple pleasure of holding hands

“You’re kind of my favorite new person, if that’s not too weird a thing to say.”

God, how I desperately want him to care.

More of his touch. More. More. More.

“I don’t know. I don’t think about my friends the way I think about you.”

“I imagine your every detail. Constantly. God, imagine the things I could accomplish if I could think about anything other than you: my favorite person.”

“Why is the wilderness such a large part of female empowerment?

“I don’t understand why you’d prioritize something you have to remind yourself to tolerate over something you actually love.”

You spend all your time doing things you hate and hiding what you actually like under your bed.

Being sad felt ungrateful.”

I’m done making excuses for why I can’t have the things I want, because I know what I want.”

Even when I wanted to be someone else, he only ever saw me. And he loved me for it.